[climbmountains91]

I don't know why i'm writing here i'm not asking for advice or whatever i just wanted to put down somewhere how i feel and i hope its without judgement.
Diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder I new I had it a few months before prior my consultant diagnosing me due to my boyfriend now ex being diagosed with it and researching at the time how best to help and support him but as i was reading it i was reading me and then a few months later i was diagnosed.

At the moment i'm recieving group based intensive psychotherapy which happens 3 days a week 10am til half 2pm which has resulted having my daughter to live with my parents due to me not being able to get childcare where i live, i live 70 miles away from my parents. I originally moved away to make a relationship work but that didn't but i love where i live and my flat and plus there's no treatment where i used to live like i have now and i wouldn't of got my diagnoses, so its good i moved away in a sense and couldn't imagine moving back as i would feel suffocated by my parents. I stay at my parents on weekends as thats when they work and to remain that bond with my daughter.

I'm 5 months into therapy and at the moment for the past few weeks, everything's been getting on top of me having to go back and fourth every week drives me insane, i cant quite feel settled anywhere, once i'm settled back home its time again to up route back to my parents and its just a cycle every week, not having quality time with my daughter, the fact my mum works all weekend and i have to spend time with my dad (who i think could be paranoid skiz) drives me insane, i hate i have to see him the way he is on top of my own problems i cant deal with it, he makes me feel trapped. I cant go out because i have anxiety attack if my daughter has a tantrum and have bad thoughts of what might do.

I'm very lucky to have this therapy, but i'm in an episode at the moment where i'm so depressed i didn't go to my therapy Friday, i cant eat, sleep, i didn't go home this Friday, didn't contact anybody to say i was going to my folks or anything so my folks got the police out to see if i was ok as i didn't answer any of there texts, i overdosed on my antidepressants which i didn't tell the police about. I keep crying, i feel guilty for not seeing my daughter or letting anyone know where i was but i just wanted to escape get away, i'm sick of this routine i want to feel settled somewhere, i miss my daughter not being with me. I don't this therapy anymore, its not working but i don't know if this is the depression trying to self sabertarge it.

I don't care if anyone cares anymore. My teen years was spent being in psychatric hospitals, overdoses, you know the drill. I've been on a few meds but haven't worked.

I've been binge eating but now even thats not working, no method of self soothing even if its bad self soothing isn't working anymore. I'm now even looking into ECT because i'm so tired of this. I want it to stop, everything's going so fast. I'm sick of being isolated, no friends, i have nothing. I just want to die and everyone tells me i have a beautiful daughter etc.. and id be selfish, yes i would be but in this depression it pains me to say it but it doesn't matter, i feel so much in emotional pain.

[CANDC]

Hi climbmountains. Sorry you are distraught with your diagnosis of BPD but at least you are in therapy.

Here is an article on coping with BPD
https://www.google.com/url?q=http://...CXb9faBJgsSVTQ

and other articles that might be of interest.
Psych Central - Search results for Borderline Personality Disorder

[ThunderGoddess]

I feel similar like I'm drowning in life and I just want to scream for help but can I be saved does anyone even care and do I even care?! I'm in DBT but most of the time I come in miserable so I think it's all stupid. I've been isolating myself for 4 months now only come out for therapy and I have no friends in real life I just want help but I have no idea what would even help a person like me.