[Zygara]

I wanna start by saying I'm not officially diagnosed with bpd, but am present with traits of it. In my older thread about 'extreme attachments' I was told that the issue is to do with bpd, so I decided to post in this forum section in order to reach out to others that go through a similar problem I do. The issue I'm about the talk about is also a bpd trait, mostly black and white thinking, and splitting.

I tend to attach to authority figures (read my older thread 'extreme attachment' for more background information on my issue) and will begin to hate them if they don't give me enough specialized attention. I'll give an example here. Just for the sake of argument, it is a therapist (I don't want talk about my personal experience) well, seeing the therapist with other clients would hurt me. A lot. Even knowing they have other clients would hurt me. I'd have to be attracted to this therapist sexually, but also know they are able to provide me with nurturing in order for me to attach. Well, anyway, if I see the therapist treating clients the same way, or maybe better, than me, then I will spiral into a depressive episode, or be intensely angry at the therapist and client. I'll give an example: if I see the therapist giving a compliment they have given me before, I become nothing. I either have to be everything to the therapist, or if there are others in the equation, I become nothing at all. This is the all or nothing thinking pattern, I think? I know in my rational mind that it is silly to think this way, as I'm not the most important person in the therapist's life, they probably have a partner, friends, family. I'd be delusional to think I'm the center of the world, but I still delude myself into thinking I am.

Now what about the splitting issue? Well, it always starts off with me thinking my obsession is a guardian angel of a sort, and I'll feel this intense feeling of love towards them. I'll always have the desire to be physically intimate: like suddenly kissing them or pulling them close to me. I know this is inappropriate and I never really go through with these acts. However, after they have done something that hurts me: usually it's giving others attention, I'll avoid eye contact when I'm with them, move away when they get close, and speak in a sad voice. Maybe this is manipulative, but usually this is a way to let off steam, and keep them guessing what they've done to make me sad. This is wrong. I know it's wrong. Again, it is my rational mind against my emotional mind. My rational mind tells me I'm being ridiculous, and that he/she is a nice person for helping others, however my emotional mind hates them for this with great intensity, and sees them as fake, perceives it as all an act for me to get close. Of course I'd be angry for this, I'm always in inner turmoil because of this issue. I'm crossing a thin tightrope, bordering on being stable or falling back into my unstable behaviours. Constantly. Everyday. This isn't their fault though, it's my fault. I want to be fixed.

What else do I do once I have split them? I think about intentionally missing sessions, cutting myself, becoming an alcoholic/drug addict. All just to hurt them. All because of my possessiveness. I wouldn't be surprised if you see my as a manipulative piece of ****, because it's what I am. But maybe this is all just a desperate attempt to pull them back, because really I am terrified to lose them, because they are the only thing keeping me from feeling empty. Losing them would mean having the foundations within me being knocked down. I'd feel like I am falling apart. THAT. SCARES. ME.

So what could be the reason for these issues? well only one event which could have caused it all is the death of my mother when I was 13. I'm 19 now. Maybe this is all just complicated grief. Perhaps I am scared to lose my love object because of the trauma caused by my mother's death? who knows. I do know that there is a possibility for maternal/erotic transference.

What would your interpretation be? and is there a way to cope with this? I've already been through CBT therapy, but that doesn't specialise in issues such as this. I'm in the UK, and I think therapies other than CBT are not on the NHS, and they cost money. My family doesn't have a lot of money, so probably wouldn't be able to pay for deeper therapy.

[cryingontheinside]

Its great that you have so much self awareness of yourself and the BPD traits.

I understand mostly the part where you said you would think of turning to drugs or alcahol to spite the person who unintentionally hurt you. I sometimes feel like committing suicide for similar reasons involving my family for seemingly not understanding me or caring or helping enough and I wouldn't follow through and know that it is not rational thinking and would be a very selfish mean thing to do but it is how I feel from time to time.

I'm not sure what advice I could give you. The most important thing is that you are already self aware and that's a great start.

Have you considered telling the therapist or whoever it is that you are feeling this way ?

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