[johannah-marie]

Hi all,

I always had the feeling something was "off" with me. I recently came across an article that described BPD and some aspects hit me pretty much spot on.

I have a boyfriend of about 7 years. Almost all of that time we have also lived together. He is an amazing person: Caring, gentle, selfless. We agree on may things: Politics, religion, finances. We disagree on some others: Travel, activity level.

I, on the other hand, well. Sometimes I am the perfect girlfriend, I guess. Most of the time though, I am not. Quite the opposite.

I live in a constant "dark" mood. I tend to see everything negative. Sometimes, I am able to actually feel good and happy, but I usually feel like something is off when I am actually happy.

My mood swings are insane. In a single day, I can experience about 15 different moods. The tiniest things can throw me off into a burst of anger. Sometimes, I don't even need an external trigger - just some negative thought comes up in my head ("Uuuh! He doens't like to travel! I have 2 days off now and we are not going anywhere! WHAT a waste!") and I explode. It took me hours to calm down, it has gotten better now. Every single criticism leads me to thinking he'd rather want a different person and I should become this "perfect" person he wants.

I love my boyfriend, but something in me is constantly on the lookout. I have had about at least 15 different crushes while in the relationship. I can build relationships with new people I meet very quickly and feel an intense bond with them. Since we have a semi-open relationship, it's not just about the sexual tension either. Although I have to say, the phase of a new sexual connection, these first nights, are the only moments I ever completely am able to relax. Everything seems perfect. I also do have a promiscous past (or maybe just a wild college phase).

All of this is only true for my relationship. At work, I can function (by now). With friends, I have a huge fear of them disliking me, so I pretend to be very easy to get along with.

Due to a ton of issues in my family, I already was in therapy for about half a year, couple of years ago. I never was officially diagnosed with anything, but should add that I live in a country where therapists don't like to officially diagnose you (you could wrongly identify with (parts of) that diagnosis).

Is this BPD, or could it be?
WHAT HELPS??
Is there a way to be a good girlfriend, or maybe wife, and to get out of this constant struggle?

Thank you.

[Pierro]

Johanna-Marie, I am sorry that your moods are so up and down. It does sound like you may have BPD but I am not a doctor and the only one that can diagnose you is a Psych doctor. Can you talk to your primary care doctor about this, maybe he/she can help you. Have you talked to your boyfriend about how you feel? I mean really talk.. Best wishes

[WibblyWobbly]

If you read about the traits and recognize yourself in them you may want to look for a place that will actually diagnose you. I am on meds for my mood (an antidepressant, mood stabilizer and antipsychotic). Moods are also treated by DBT. There are a lot of resources online but I find it best to get DBT from individual or group therapy.

The best ways you can be a good girlfriend are to get treatment and be self-aware. My relationship of 12 years ended because of my emotional dysregulation and it was only after that I found out it was BPD all along. I'm trying to work on recognizing negative thoughts and moods for what they are and not isolating, self-harming, raging etc.

[ThunderGoddess]

I often think the same thing, how can I be a better girlfriend? But that question need not be asked every day. I think that has the capability of lowering ones self esteem. I would recommend therapy if you do have bpd traits which in my opinion the fact that you have 15 different moods a day is def a sign something needs to be explored here.