[sinking]

Hi, i recognize myself as BPD but i havent been diagnosed , anyway, thats not the point. A friend of mine who has disability because of bpd has been feeling awful lately and today just came back at the course we're both attending afer a week at home being taken care by professionals and full meds.

I feel too much for her. I mean i feel her pain as if it was mine.
I feel bad for her.
I would like to be able to say i feel like that too but i need to keep my pain hidden.
I envy her.
I love her. Kind of in love with her... I'm female, not sure of my sexual idenitity...
I would like to help her.
She keeps me at distance and i respected that.
She scares me because i dont know what triggered her and afraid of talking to her now.
Dont want to disturb her.
Dont want to show her i dont care because i do.
Dont want to hurt myself getting close to her.
She attracts me and scarse me away.

HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS AND WITH HER?

we've met at the course. There was an instant bond but saw each other outside the course only once and just texted each other a few times. Not sure we're even friends... Anyway, now i think her illness is too much for me and i decided to stay away, for me, and shut down my heart but still show her i care in the littlest ways i can, because i really do.

What would help her?
What would help me?

I have too many hurting contrasting feelings about her and i cant just avoid her because we have to attend this course together until the end of the month. Going to class every day and seeing her is SO distressing... When i myself am in a fragile moment of my life since i'm planning my suicide. I know i should think it will all be over soon so i shouldnt care but meanwhile its just SO HARD.

PLEASE HELP ME!
HAVE NO IDEA ON HOW TO DEAL, HANDLE, MANAGE THIS
IN THE BEST WAY FOR HER AND FOR ME.

PLEASE HELP HELP HELP!!!

[Lonlin3zz]

Hey Sinking,

Before you can help her, let yourself sort out what are you trying to feed your thoughts with. I have felt those contrasting feelings and it's really suffocating. If you're going to feed your thought continuously with that, you probably should slowly put an end to it, because your thoughts and emotions are going to feed each other and intensify your doubts.

Just be aware of yourself first, before you reach out with a pen-written note initiating to help someone.

Just my 2 cents.

[sinking]

Hi Lonin,

thanks for answering.

i think i get the general meaning of your answer but not compeltely. could you please be more direct or say it in another way?

maybe english not being my mother language makes it harder for me to understand. thanks a lot.

[Pierro]

you need help before you can help her, you know that.

[sinking]

i can hide my pain and still help her. everybody has their own pain and still are able to help others. why couldnt i do it too?

i just dont know how. it seems she wants to be alone, but then comes to me and hugs me. she doesnt want to talk and doesnt answer my texts, but what can i do then? just hug her when she needs it? and when she isnt there? i see she too is conflicted between the impulse of asking for help and hiding away.

maybe i would like to save her and i know i cant and its wrong even thinking it but you know.... sometimes you just feel something, even if you know its wrong. i just feel like i really could help her....

but then not knowing what triggered her makes me feel scared of her and afraid of saying even just one wrong word and hurt her somehow.

and again, not knowing what the problem is and was scares me away so i feel like running to her and help her but she wont talk, and i feel like running away from her and protect myself from her and from my own feelings too but it goes against what i feel.

i probably should just stay away, but we have to see each other every day at the course and she is like a magnet to my eyes and my heart. should i just ignore her? but, let alone that i dont feel able to do that, would it help her? and going against what i feel (i feel i do not want to ignore her) would really help me too?

its SO CONFUSING.

is her and mine typical thoughts/feelings/behavior of BPD or is it something else or just plain nomal for people? people confuse me so much.

Thanks, i appreciate and value any opinion on this. i feel so lost and torn.

[ThunderGoddess]

People who help other people are able to control their thoughts, feelings, behaviors so they do help themselves first before others. It is the only way to truly help someone if you are in a crisis you need to focus on yourself and then you will have a clear mind and calm inner feeling even while she is upset because it will not be beneficial if her being upset, upsets you.
I know it is much easier said than done it's hard to put yourself first because you may think you are not deserving but you 100% deserve to feel good and should allow yourself to come before others during the healing process.

"When i myself am in a fragile moment of my life since i'm planning my suicide. I know i should think it will all be over soon so i shouldnt care but meanwhile its just SO HARD."

Did no one notice this? There is a bigger issue here than helping or not helping this friend. You need to go to a crisis centre immediately.

[sinking]

Thanks, but that is not a problem, actually its what is allowing me to focus on others and try to help them. It makes me less selfish and i like it.

[comethisfar]

Sinking, I can only echo what others have said: you may genuinely want to but you can not help someone unless you are calm, at peace and happy with yourself and your own feelings. Please go talk to a professional about your feelings, it is important for you and your friend! Hug!

Originally Posted by sinking

Thanks, but that is not a problem, actually its what is allowing me to focus on others and try to help them. It makes me less selfish and i like it.

Your planning your suicide. It is a problem. Get your head and health right before wearing yourself down. It isnt selfish.

[WibblyWobbly]

It sounds like she is isolating herself because of depression. How do you think she would feel if she knew you were planning your suicide? You are in a worse place than her, and if you had a relationship you would drag her down with you. The only way you can help others and truly be unselfish is to get help for yourself first.

[sinking]

Comethisfar, thanks for your answer. but i do feel calm and at peace right because i have a plan. it makes me feel at peace with myself and able to focus on others.

Shawkat, thank you too for your concern, but i swear having a plan is what i need to feel good. i dont think trying to fix my problems would be selfish but useless, so why wasting time and energies on me when i can use them to help others?

WibblyWobbly, my friend is in a worse place than i am. she was actually stopped from committing suicide, or so she implied, when we finally did talk a bit on yesterday. her talking a bit to me about her feelings and issues helped me feeling less worried about her because now i know whats happening to her and i know she has a good support system, docs and meds and she asks for help before its too late. even though you never really know... she said talking to me helped her a bit too, so i guess its all about respecting her times.


---- MAY TRIGGER????----
sorry i dont know how to hide the next paragraph so that nobody can read it unless they choose to. i realized maybe it could be triggering, sorry.


my plan would allow me to do it and conceal it was intentional. i wont drag down anyone with me.... i dont want to hurt anyone...

[ThunderGoddess]

I feel really sad that you have a plan and I'm sure the other posters in this thread also feel sad about it! Even though no one knows each other here in real life, your real life experiences and pains are felt and understood here. We just want you to get the help you need because look at what a good person you are to begin with, you want to help others that is a very noble thing to do not everyone is interested in others well being. Imagine how many people you will be able to help if you stay. Your friend will be hurt without you and I know it may be hard to imagine but many of us on this forum will be hurting as well to not have you here with us.

[comethisfar]

Sinking, I do not know your friend but now I know you because you have shared your intimate feelings with us and this community. If you don't feel you need to get help in order not to
Commit suicide please do get help and do it for us on this forum. We are asking you to get help so that you can live because we care!
Please!

[sinking]

Thank you so much for caring and your words, but dont worry for me please. My plan is a long term one, so, should i find any reason not to proceed, i'll be able to stop the process.

As for my friend, i have understood its better if i treat her as any other friend, in spite of the deeper conncetion i feel with her. i'll be available if she needs me but i wont run after her to help her at any costs. getting help is her choice, not mine. i can only be there if she decides she wants it from me, independently on how much i care and i think i would be able to help her.... i have shown her i care a lot already... now its up to her what to do with that.
she says she doesnt want to hurt others and be a burden to others, and i told her i prefer to know whats going on with her rather than she disappearing and me being left imagining the worst. is there anything else i can do or say for her?
on the other hand i see she is too focused on herself only, and i dont want to start that kind of dynamic where it all spins around her, no matter how bad she may feel. it is not healthy for her and not healthy for me either. there is need for a minimum of balance even between friends (if we are friends) and even when one is in a bad place like her....

am i making any sense here? any better suggestion?
Thanks

[continuosly blue]

SHAWKAT2009 Said it perfectly in her initial response. There is a much bigger
issue going on here. The main point of the whole post IMHO is the planned suicide which seems to be buried in a lot of distraction. This individual needs professional help IMMEDIATELY !

[comethisfar]

Sinking, what would be a reason for you to stop your long-term plan?

[Open Eyes]

Hi sinking, perhaps I could tell you what I think is going on with you. Now, I am not a professional, but I have made it a point to learn and connect some dots and perhaps what I am seeing in what you are saying might help a bit.

I think that this girl you are concerned about is a sort of reflection of your own pain, that is why you can empathize and on such a deep painful level too. Being able to feel empathy for another person is a good thing, because it can encourage one to learn more about others and at the same time help self too. However, it's important to have the knowledge about what the empathy is saying about yourself. You know she has a need, you know it well because you can identify with it. However, you are right in that even though you want to help this girl, you may not know how to help her and that you might get in over your head. And from listening to everything else you have said about this situation, I think you might just get in over your head.

I think the take away from this for you is that you are not alone in how you have unmet needs. You can see this other girl, and thats not a bad thing, because you are like this girl and there are others that are just like you and just like her that struggle. What you need to do is recognize the empathy and look into first learning about how to heal yourself and finally take the time to actually heal your own hurts, and when you do that, you will be better able to reach out and actually help someone else like this other challenged individual. There is a healing that does take place when empathizing and helping others. There is gratification that can happen from that too, and that is what encourages individuals to become therapists and social workers and individuals that quietly make a difference in the lives of others.

You have talked about suicide in this thread too. That desire is because you have hurts and unmet needs yourself and you have it figured out that if you don't find a way to fill that need and heal that hurt that you will give up and go off by yourself somehow and give up. I think that you should consider this situation you are experiencing on a different level. The empathy you have can actually turn into something postive, productive and rewarding. When that happens in a human being the toughts of suicide dimish and eventually go away. Empathy can be a bridge that helps a person from suffering to over coming and helping others do the same. But you cannot develop this empathy until you get the help to learn how to self heal that hurt in yourself that is causing you to empathize with this other person.

As far as the question you have of having a sexual attraction? Well, that depends on your history and what sex has meant to you. Sometimes individuals who have needs might try to fill those needs with sexual encounters. There is a confusion of trying to fill a nurturing need with sex and that doesn't work.

Now I have not read your history, but I do know that Borderline Personality Disorder tends to develop in individuals that were neglected and did not have the nurturing they needed and deserved from a parent. It could be from one parent or from both. Well, children do not know what to do with the stress that comes from that so often they develop other ways of filling that need. This is never the child's fault, never means they were unlovable or bad either. This is something that takes place because the parent themself is challenged and doesn't have the security in themself let alone raise and nurture a child.

I think the "interest" and "empathy" you have is a good thing sinking. It's something you can actually develop and build on. You have to explore this in yourself though and do some healing and learning and then you will have more to offer someone like this other individual. If you decide to get help for yourself and slowly gain skills so you can empathize and contribute? As I mentioned, this dance around with suicide will go away.
This is what is missed and unfortunately leads one to go without and think more about giving up and it should not have to be that way, it really is preventable.

[sinking]

ContinuouslyBlue and Comethisfar, thanks for your concern. im sorry for mentioning the plan, i shouldnt have. i was just trying to help you understand i wasnt in a good position for thinking at my best and understanding and knowing what to do with this friend and thats why i came here asking for help about her and this "friendship". now i think i got it, and maybe because i havent seen her in a few days or maybe because the emergency has passed of i have understood her better.... i think im better able to handle this.

Openeyes, yes, i recognize myself a lot in her, only not in how she manages the situation and thats why i was having such a hard time understanding what she needed and was best for her but at the same time wouldnt have made me feel too bad either. i feel i have found a way to survive and manage everything when its all about me. its when others come into the scene that my head and heart are tested and im confused and feel like im going crazy. i hope this "emergency" has ended and it will be ok between me and her. now im focusng on helping another friend but its so much easier with her because i dont feel that strong intimate and confusing bond i felt with the first one i mentioned.

anyway, thank you all for your help.
i wish you all the best,
Love,
sinking