"I Am The Shadow"

This is a poem I wrote about my undiagnosed BPD back in 1990. I wasn't actually diagnosed until 2005. I am now in recovery. Enjoy!

I Am The Shadow

I am the shadow,
I exist in a world of light,
Blending into the darkness of night.

My face you cannot see,
My expressions, sometimes misleading.

If you hear a whisper in the wind,
It may be me.

I am the shadow,
I exist in a world of sounds, good and bad.
Of laughter,
Crying,
Shouting,
Singing.

You think that I feel nothing,
No love,
No hate,
No anger,
No fear,
No pain.
But you are wrong.

You think that I do not cry,
But I weep silently.
You cannot see the tears that slide down my cheeks,
But they are there.

I am the shadow, you cannot touch,
Always within sight but never within reach.

I am the shadow, afraid to trust the light for it distorts me.
Please forgive me if I trick you,
I cannot control it.

I long to live in the light,
To be held and loved,
But I am only a silent shadow,
Watching but unable to take part in it all,
What others do, I can only dream of.

So I lurk in corners,
Ignored,
Misunderstood.
Always waiting for the night to come,
Always dying but never dead.

I am the shadow, I have no friends,
Even in a crowd, I’m all alone.
Existing in somber shades of gray,
A lonely shadow,
I’m doomed to stay.

Wow. This is breath taking simply because i thought i was the only one who wrote like this. It started in my teens and i was diagnosed with depression. As soon as i started taking anti depressants, my creative outlet was gone. The words all disappeared. But i have dozens of writings very similar to this if you're ever interested.

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I also write a lot of poems about my experience of living with BPD. I think it is a good outlet. Hey maybe we could start a poem/short story thread !

I'm down just when i wrote i didn't even know what BPD was.

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You have a gift for writing, powerfully expressed and... I can't believe I'm admitting it but, that poem is like a description of me. I had tears in my eyes by the time I was done reading it. Well done, I admire you for putting this out there.

Thanks to everyone for all your kind comments! I would love to read some of your poetry.

The Ghost That I Am

I separate from myself
To see me
From the point of view
Of someone that is not.
Although I'm looking
In a different way,
I am not human.
I am not animal,
Not plant,
Not any living thing.
But neither am i dead.
I am only a feeling.
I see me yawn.
My chance!
I leap inside myself
To see who i really am.
My destination!
What do i see?
In shock, i see nothing.
Just, emptiness;
The absence of being
Is thick in me.
I begin to search
Every corner;
Pointless. My inner being
Has no end.
All i am is nothing.
I leap back outside,
See myself,
And, disappointed,
Turn my back and am sucked
Back into myself
As i bury my face in my hands
And cry.
Like a camera in a movie
I was watching,
The view snaps to see me
Containing my weeping self.
The me containing me laughs
And jokes with friends.
It's all a lie;
A charade.
My outer shell lives happily
While my inner being dies

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I must say you guys are very nice to one another here. You people with BPD are alright in my book.

This forum should have a star on it that says: "Underground Approved". Lol.

Agreed!!

I just wrote u a pm and it didn't work. Maybe next time

Got it in my inbox just now.

Yeah very true i agree with u

Three letters I am silently screaming inside, thier tentacles claw at my lungs,
Desperate to find a voice,
Nobody listens nobody hears, They scream on.......
They have no choice.

I am on the edge, neither one thing or the other,
Vacant inside,no substance of form,
merely a void enclosed in a cover.
Whilst the self i am you describe succintly...
Who is that who is it really?....

I long for you ,I want your touch,
I love you so very much....
I hate you,i loathe you go away
You are not alone in guessing
Which will it be today?....

It does not mean i care less,
or dont appreciate you tenderness,
Only confusion reigns when changes come,
Inside this being that is mostly numb.

Anger bubbles beneath the surface,
eroding and destroying all in its path,
Carefully concealed behind a nervous laugh,
Stay away,keepyour distance, but do not flee
God forbid that your should fear me.

It is through the haze i see you again....
I don the guise and fein control,
Perfectly acting out the fantasy role...
Untill he day i reach far within and feel....
Rip out the pain,and grip it tight within my grasp....
Untill it is finally STILL.
written at 2am by a sleepless moody.

NONE It is angry,violent, and Raging
Intent on consuming all in its path,
Its acrid fingers prod and poke at my lungs
If not numb,would they laugh?
It is a kaliedescope of colour
Its veiled beauty a harbinger of pain,
Its destruction wants to steal the limelight,control the show,
A tentative flicker, a dance it does feign,
The familiar tune has no name.
Its charing tounge salves my skin,
Whilst intensely trying to permeate my being,
And access the subzero core within,
It fans the inferno increasing the heat
paralysis does not ignite
It knows not it labours in vain,
For surely i am already beat.
23/12/14

slow-motion trainwreck moment
when your life goes off the rails
spending years trying to fix
what no one ever gets back

why can't i see it before it happens?
what is it in me that is so broken?

all the cutting words
pass through my face like
light through perfect glass
falling through darkness
getting lost in cracks

life is nothing more than emptiness
masked by a cloak of glitter and blood