[smartiesparty]

I have a tremendous fear of abandonment. when people don't respond to my emails or text messages, i know for sure that they hate me or at least don't care about me. it gives me panic attacks and i do dangerous things
but a few nights ago, i just told myself that i should just accept that i am never going to be loved. it really calmed down this panic and painful mental state i was in and i was able to sleep.
i guess it is a good thing. i just accepted i will never matter or be loved.

[stablyunstableghost]

I struggle with those same fears constantly, it really sucks.

People can love those of us with BPD. It's baffling to me when I am truly loved by others, because I probably don't deserve it.

I am a non-religious Psychics UG student and I take great comfort in evidence-based thoughts. When I'm feeling worthless I like to try to remember that the atoms that construct my body likely once belonged to the stars, or a flower, or any other imaginable piece of matter throughout the universe. You are made up of matter, just like everything that ever has ever existed. It's an indisputable truth, you are of significant importance to the universe in the grand scheme of things.

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[stablyunstableghost]

The Second Law of Thermodynamics states that energy is neither created now destorg, it is merely transformed. The calories in the piece of fruit you are eating becomes energy, fuelling your body. It is then released from when you move your fingers to type on your computer, turning into fricton, heat, etc.

Every atom that you are built with has existed and has been an active participant in the great story of Everything. Your significance to the universe as a whole is immense.

Studying Physics really helps me to calm down emotion-based thought ruts. I highly recommend studying science as a coping mechanism for bpd tbh.

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[gayleggg]

But you do matter to those of us here. I take PC very seriously and feel all here are special. And just because people irl don't have the time to reply right away doesn't mean that they don't care. Maybe they are suffering too.

Take care my dear. Someone cares. I care.

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[yagr]

Originally Posted by smartiesparty

I have a tremendous fear of abandonment. when people don't respond to my emails or text messages, i know for sure that they hate me or at least don't care about me. it gives me panic attacks and i do dangerous things
but a few nights ago, i just told myself that i should just accept that i am never going to be loved. it really calmed down this panic and painful mental state i was in and i was able to sleep.
i guess it is a good thing. i just accepted i will never matter or be loved.

I remember feeling similar, that I will never matter or be loved. I was just too different, and too damaged. Accepting that gave me a measure of comfort too, so I truly understand what you said about calming down and being able to sleep afterwards. It wasn't just lip service either - I really did accept it. Years went by. Then one day I was sipping a cup of coffee and I saw a girl. The coffee slipped out of my hand and I never even noticed it. Someone else had to point it out to me.

I knew, with more conviction than I had ever known about anything, that I would never have to be alone again - that she was The One. So I went up and introduced myself. Four days later I told her. She told me that she was too different - too damaged, that she didn't matter and didn't deserve love. That was thirty years ago. She is my wife, my best friend, my life. We've never had a fight - or even a serious disagreement in all that time.

Some might argue that we're too close, that it's not healthy. But you know what? They can have their opinions, we'll keep our happiness. Give up hope if it helps you get through the days, but don't close your eyes to the miracle if it walks into your life.

And let me echo gayle - you matter to me.

[smartiesparty]

Thank you very much for your messages...after reading them, i do feel better.

Originally Posted by yagr

I remember feeling similar, that I will never matter or be loved. I was just too different, and too damaged. Accepting that gave me a measure of comfort too, so I truly understand what you said about calming down and being able to sleep afterwards. It wasn't just lip service either - I really did accept it. Years went by. Then one day I was sipping a cup of coffee and I saw a girl. The coffee slipped out of my hand and I never even noticed it. Someone else had to point it out to me.

I knew, with more conviction than I had ever known about anything, that I would never have to be alone again - that she was The One. So I went up and introduced myself. Four days later I told her. She told me that she was too different - too damaged, that she didn't matter and didn't deserve love. That was thirty years ago. She is my wife, my best friend, my life. We've never had a fight - or even a serious disagreement in all that time.

Some might argue that we're too close, that it's not healthy. But you know what? They can have their opinions, we'll keep our happiness. Give up hope if it helps you get through the days, but don't close your eyes to the miracle if it walks into your life.

And let me echo gayle - you matter to me.

That is very beautiful and I hope you will have many more happy moments with your wife.
I do have a boyfriend who loves me very much or at least he says. but the truth is, he loves the person i pretend to be in front of him. Inside, i am suffering from such a huge mental pain but outside, i am an actress. I act like i am a happy go lucky, laid back person when i am on edge all the time. It costs me so much energy and makes me believe that i am not the one who is loved;in fact, it's the person i pretend to be who is loved and tolerated. Because my true personality and being is an awful.

[dancinglady]

Originally Posted by smartiesparty

I have a tremendous fear of abandonment. when people don't respond to my emails or text messages, i know for sure that they hate me or at least don't care about me. it gives me panic attacks and i do dangerous things
but a few nights ago, i just told myself that i should just accept that i am never going to be loved. it really calmed down this panic and painful mental state i was in and i was able to sleep.
i guess it is a good thing. i just accepted i will never matter or be loved.

I fully understand. I no longer have panic attacks but I know I am too far gone to ever think there will be relationships in my life. I have given up all hope on this goal to the point I just stay home all the time and try to interact with no one.

[WibblyWobbly]

That bubbly person is the real you, she's just a part of you. If you didn't have that underlying anxiety and agitation you would be her all the time. You need to learn how to forgive yourself for the "bad" parts. They were created in childhood in a time when you had no control. You have more power now and therapy can help you embrace the fact that you deserve to be loved and that other people are just like you. Most of them don't form relationships with ulterior motives.

It takes me days sometimes to get back to people because I am so overwhelmed/distracted/depressed. It's nothing personal and I would hate for people to take it that way. You just have to remind yourself that other people have things going on that you don't know about, but it doesn't mean they don't care.

[jean17]

Originally Posted by smartiesparty

I have a tremendous fear of abandonment. when people don't respond to my emails or text messages, i know for sure that they hate me or at least don't care about me. it gives me panic attacks and i do dangerous things
but a few nights ago, i just told myself that i should just accept that i am never going to be loved. it really calmed down this panic and painful mental state i was in and i was able to sleep.
i guess it is a good thing. i just accepted i will never matter or be loved.

I completely relate to this, but I feel so sad for you. I wish I could help. Take care & God bless you.