forever seeking guidance

I did not have guidance pretty much ever that I can remember. I feel like my whole life I've been floating by just trying be like other people because I never learned how to live an average life. I was never taught anything about life by my parents except for "life isn't fair"

All my teachers in school hated me for being rebellious, no one looked at my behavior as a red flag that something was wrong internally, I was just a bad seed who they didn't want to deal with. I was punished consistently but my bad behaviors were not affected by punishment.

I feel alone misunderstood and too old for any one to guide me to a better life. Inside I'm screaming for help and outside I am following orders. I am doing the best I can do but it doesn't feel good, it feels confusing and just sad.

Have you read anything on "infatilization" before? You might consider looking into how some PD parents use infantilization tactics against their children, in an effort to keep their children dependent on them and vulnerable even well into adulthood. (Usually people with BPD had PD parents, so odds are.)

Infantilization can take on many forms.

Some examples from my own mother:

1. My mother refused to ever teach me anything. Not how to cook. Not how to file my taxes. Wouldn't practice driving with me. Nothing. In addition, she would usually subtly imply that it was because I was too dumb to be able to do any such things, and that therefore it would be better if she just handled things. Or, she would just ignore it altogether, as though I was somehow over-stepping myself by wanting to learn how to be more independent.

2. My mother often set me up for failure, and then would use the events as a way to demonstrate to me that I am stupid and should not try to be independent. A mild example, as a senior in high school, I asked if I could start picking out my own groceries with a grocery allowance, to get some practice with shopping, budgeting and also to get some responsibility and freedom with my diet. My mother agreed, but would only allow me to have $2 per day to spend on food, and she had increasingly strict rules on what foods I could buy, under the premise that they had to be "healthy" enough. As I was unable to succeed with those circumstances, my mother declared, "Maybe you're not as smart as you think you are," and that was the end of that.

3. To this day, my mother seems to almost get a kick out of trying to instill fear in me to keep me from trying to increase my independence. I wanted to learn how to drive again, she insisted that I would probably get into an accident and die. I got a job and had to start walking to work, my mother reminded me multiple times that I might get raped and killed on my way to/from work. I decide to try taking up a hobby for myself, my mother tells me that she is "concerned" that a hobby would be unhealthy for me because I have no self-control and might let it ruin my life. Etc.

4. Whenever I have ever struggled in life, my mother has always made it a point to imply or explain it to me that it's because I'm inherently defective. Get bullied at school, come home crying, my mother explains, "Not sure what you were expecting, with the way you are." But it's okay, Copperstar, you can be my friend, i.e. my therapist and dumpster whenever I feel like it.

Etc, etc, etc.

I'm so sorry you had to and still have to go through that That sounds like it's really hard to deal with that would drive me to anger so quickly! I'm don't think I'm experiencing Infantilization I mean I guess it's possible by how my Mom did literally everything for me I'll explain my upbringing...

Basically my Mom babied me as in she was still washing my dishes at 26! She was badly abused as a child most of the time not even having food to eat. So she went the complete opposite of her mother and basically over fed us, over smoothered us and we we're never disciplined by her, we literally could do no wrong. She wanted us to have EVERYTHING like she was in thousands of dollars in credit card debt just because she would buy us anything we wanted. But she didn't finish high school so she really couldn't help us with homework she was being abused by my father so she spent most of her time keeping us out of the house and doing anything we wanted to do. By 15 her and my father divorced and she was buying me beer and letting me party at the house smoke weed cigarettes. I would often feel like I was running the show and what I said goes and if Mom didn't like it well she wasn't going to yell at me so F it right?!

Of course now I feel really bad about putting her through all of that but hell she could of stopped it at any point or at least tried to.

My Father on the other hand was extremely angry and drank alcohol daily. He would discipline us often too roughly and also would make it clear my Mom babied us too much and it made him really mad and he'd claim females were inferior to men. He often talked bad about my Mom to me saying she was the worst Mom ever and try to act like all their marital problems were her fault... I mean at 9 years old he was telling me my Mom wanted him to move out and wanted to know what I thought about it!! Anytime I asked my father for anything he would say life isn't fair or get a job he did not buy us school clothes or shampoo or food that was all my Mom.

So there was no guidance as in this is how the adult world works and what you need to do to take care of yourself, it was just don't make Dad mad and Mom will take care of the rest.

Now here I am 28 years old living with my boyfriend who has become now my new "Mother" he does everything for me but he is also very smart so he is showing me how to be an adult but it's not been easy and I hate that I rely on him that way

Those sound like examples of infantilization to me.

Not a bad brief overview/examples: Out of the FOG - Infantilization

Most PD parents will both infantilize and parentify their children, either alternating or managing to simultaneously do both at the same time.

Sometimes it's delivered in obviously malignant ways such as was the case of my mother.

But sometimes it is disguised as niceness or "spoiling" a child. When in reality, the child is being robbed of leadership, security and guidance.

Wow what I really want to read more "OMG" this is all the horrible things we do and why should anyone stay in a relationship with us and how horrible we are at raising children. UGH. UGH

Yes people with PDs do tend to be horrible at raising children. That is typically how PDs are passed down in families. I know that is certainly the case in my family, and I know that I would make a terrible parent, myself. I think it is good to acknowledge this, it is a matter of self-respect and healthy humility to be aware of our weaknesses. I think that is the first huge, brave step in breaking the cycle - acknowledging that the cycle exists. I imagine many of us (if not most of us by far) had parent(s) who have never admitted to the dysfunctional ways they treated us and how they contributed to our dysfunctions. But we can be better than that.

Yes I believe that if I had known I would never had kids. I worked very hard in therapy my children's entire childhood and when I was diagnosed I put every resource in their lives that was available. They don't have any PDs but that is because they were around normal people every chance I could. I wanted to keep them away from any dysfunction I had.

I have great respect for that. A single acknowledgement from my mother at any point throughout my adolescence/adulthood would have healed me considerably. If your love for your children surpassed your PD, then you have done something I find incredible.

Ah I see now, further reading into infantilization I don't feel that applies to me also I don't believe either of my parents have a PD. I think my father has anger and drinking issues and my mother is a sensitive person the instability mainly stems from a rocky marriage and their low level of education. Thank you for the information and sharing your story with me.