Acceptance

My to and I went I've bpd criteria is dsm5 today and I guess I'm finally accepting my dx. I've had it before but I fight it but maybeim coming to terms. I'm in DBT group and have been since March and I'm learning things to help.

Anyone else have hard time accepting?

I had a really hard time. I still have issues when it comes to meeting crisis personnel for emergency treatment. Having BPD and bipolar is a rough gig because I don't know if my emotions are normal, a BPD episode or a bipolar episode. It took some getting used to.

That's something I really struggle with-knowing if it's bp mood swings or bpd. I never know if I need to call pdoc or just ride it out.

I think the reason I have been SO adamant about not wanting this diagnosis is because I had a therapist tell me they think my abusive step mother probably had BPD and will NEVER EVER EVER EVER be like her in ANY way. Shes not been dxd with it-just my old t says she thinks its likely she has it. I don't want any association with her. Thinking about her often sends back the fear and sadness of my childhood. I think sometimes its not mental illness but just evilness. In anyway I could be like her I dont want to deal with. I think that's why its so hard to accept.

Is that pathetic?>

I struggle more with people's perceptions of what it means to be borderline, but not the bpd itself. For years I actually thought I was aspd, so borderline was actually a relief.

For my own situation, the way I see it is that it's not my mother's fault she has abusive dysfunctions. Her own mother (my grandmother) is also rather dysfunctional and is really into the whole martyrdom complex while actually acting very self-centered. So it doesn't surprise me that my mother turned out the way she did in terms of PD issues.

Similarly, it's not my fault I was raised by a sociopathic alcoholic father and a mother with neglectful and malignant dysfunctions, and so it's not my fault that starting in early childhood I developed the dysfunctions that I have.

This is the ground on which my mother and I are the same, and it would be pure delusion to deny it.

However, where my mother and I are very different, is that my mother will never admit that she has issues, will never admit that she has really hurt people and acted selfishly or cruelly, she doesn't care and doesn't try to be better. I believe this is what happens when a person takes the cowardly route and embraces their dysfunctions, it turns malignant and that aspect of "evil" comes into play.

I, on the other hand, acknowledge that I have dysfunctions, acknowledge that I need to work on it and try my best, and also acknowledge that I have hurt some people due to my dysfunctions in the past. I am not too cowardly or selfish to own up to my reality.

And to me that factor, where my mother and I are different, is huge.

She was do mean and evil. I just don't like that I'm bring told I have bpd after being told that's what she might have. I think she chooses to be mean.

I know diagnoses are just labels to treat symptoms though. It does, however, sort of bother me that I have four of them even though they all fit.

Well your mother might be the willfully malignant type, the sort of person who embraces their dysfunctions and doesn't care if they hurt people. To me that is something in addition to having BPD. People with BPD cannot help what they experience, but we can choose how we unleash and cope with what we experience.

When I'm feeling angry, bitter, freaked out, etc, I
- Listen to very loud, angry/aggressive music
- Crumple up pieces of paper, crushing them in my hands
- Go for a long walk and rant to myself / have hypothetical arguments in my head
- Play a video game where I can slaughter a bunch of CG enemies
- Isolate until I am calmer / shut down communication until I can communicate better
- Do something self-destructive like drink, chain smoke or self-harm
Etc

Having BPD doesn't make me hurt people. Not giving a damn if I hurt people makes me hurt people.

when i was first diagnosed i didn't want to accept it, so i didn't. eventually as the hospital stays and time went on i was forced to look at myself and i didn't like what i saw, or what others saw. i'm so sorry i put people through what i did, with the pshycosis etc.