Feelings about therapists?

Psssht, I don't get attached to my GP or pdoc, so no reason to get attached to my Ts.


He's a service provider, nothing less and nothing more.


Sure we tackle some personal shyt, but its part of the job, its not special. Just like I wouldn't think its "special" to talk to a GP about IBS.


Transference, I think that may be more common in certain types of therapy with certain types of individual. I don't think its a therapeutic must have.


I would probably quit therapy if that happened to me because I would find it completely disruptive and intrusive, not therapeutic at all.

Lol @ the IBS comment!

I don't know that transference is necessary, though I was grateful to learn that it's not uncommon.

The risk IS about it becoming disruptive or intrusive. Basically from what I read is that when you get there, THAT is when you have to fess up to deal with it. I'm not there yet.

It's funny because I just left therapy and I noticed myself doing a few things.

1. I usually play with my wedding ring. I have ADHD so I do that A LOT. Today I was playing with my necklace. Hard to explain the HOW - just like pulling it out in front of me and running my finger back and forth against the chain, but when I caught myself doing it I PICTURED what it must look like and I could SWEAR it would look flirty.

2. I caught myself twirling my hair. I know for a FACT this is a flirtatious move and it was totally unconscious until it was conscious.

3. I felt rather flushed. Don't know if I LOOKED it but my cheeks felt hot.

But that's the extent of it. I'm not trying to get a gander at his bulge or anything...(maybe next week lol).

Basically I'm attracted to the way he makes me FEEL. My first attraction to my first husband was about that. He was not hot at all. He wasn't ugly, but in my mind he looked like a cross between Tom Petty and Gary Busey and that does not a hot man make lol. But he was just comforting to be around. I think that is how I perceive this guy and why I perceive it as a "crush" though thus far I have no desire to jump his bones.

Hi Kamikazebaby, this is a really interesting subject. I have had fairly regular (with occasional breaks of 2 or so years) for over twenty years and have been seeing my tenth therapist for just over two years. I have never felt attached to a counsellor/therapist the way I have toy current one. These feelings have been incredibly intense and unlike any I've experienced for another person. I believe this relates to my ability, at last, after many many years, to trust him with my most vulnerable and needy self. In previous counselling I had such limited access to my emotions, as they occurred in the present, to form a strong attachment to a therapist and I never trusted then either to reveal the most hidden aspects of my self.

It is with this therapist that I have felt strong and supported enough to face my infant feelings of loss and emotional neglect/abandonment - I wad unable to develop a secure attachment with my mother and was subsequently described by health professionals as a 'failure to thrive' when a young baby. I believe my therapist has become a surrogate attachment figure - without either of us planning this - which is a precious but deeply painful experience...

I can only share my own experiences and am curious if you have any ideas why you don't attach to your therapists? Neither am I suggesting that it is good or bad to attach/not attach...

Phx

I can relate.

I don't think I ever saw a therapist for more than a year and there have been maybe 10 of them over 20 years also with a few years in between. But this is the first time I feel like there has bee a CHEMISTRY and I don't know what to do with it.

It's so weird!!!!!

I don't know what exactly to DO with these feelings. I mean I'm enjoying the ride. I feel giddy around him and yet and I don't look at him like I want to jump his bones. I guess I'm just enjoying the intimacy? As one person here has told me I am finally being validated. I feel UNDERSTOOD and that is powerful.

He just has such a comforting presence. And I'm sorry to get all gushy and moony here, but I'm sort of musing "out loud" with people who - other than him - would get this.

I am now obsessing over my FEELINGS. I saw him yesterday and I caught myself doing things that I am SURE can be seen as coquettish. Unconsciously of course, but every time I caught myself I kept imagining what I must look like and how it's coming across to him.

One of my issues has always been that I feel very transparent. Like I'm naked or made of glass and people just KNOW how screwed up I am on any particular day. So here I am, with a man that I have done NOTHING but cry with and yesterday I'm functional. Focused. Walking in with my hair down and then feeling so flushed I had to put it right back up. Twirling my necklace and my hair - MY GOD!!! I couldn't have come on that strong if I TRIED!!!!!

I ended session telling him that I "really like him" and reminding him about something negative I had said about a previous therapist. I told him why I like him and what puts him a cut above the rest. It was NOT intended to be anything gooey, just showing a genuine appreciation. That's what I do. But I am SURE that I had doey eyed girl written ALL OVER ME!!!!!

And I'm still trying to reconcile the fact that I am as gushy about him and not wanting to jump his bones. What's up with that? Daddy figure? I am clueless but it's driving me slightly mad. I need someone to talk to about my feelings for my therapist lol.

I would say from my experience. - yup "daddy figure" or parent figure.

Hi Kamikazebaby, this is a really interesting subject. I have had fairly regular counselling/therapy (with occasional breaks of 2 or so years) for over twenty years and have been seeing my tenth therapist for just over two years. I have never felt attached to a counsellor/therapist the way I have my current one. These feelings have been incredibly intense and unlike any I've experienced for another person (let alone therapist!). I believe this relates to my ability, at last, after many many years, to trust someone with my most vulnerable and needy self. In previous counselling I had such limited access to my emotions, as they occurred in the present, to form a strong attachment to a therapist and I never trusted them either to reveal the most hidden aspects of my self.

It is with this therapist that I have felt strong and supported enough to face my infant feelings of loss and emotional neglect/abandonment - I was unable to develop a secure attachment with my mother and was subsequently described by health professionals as a 'failure to thrive' baby. I believe my therapist has become a surrogate attachment figure - without either of us planning this - which is a precious and profound but deeply painful experience...

I can only share my own experiences and am curious if you have any ideas why you don't attach to your therapists? Neither am I suggesting that it is good or bad to attach/not attach...

Phx

I have had the ability to trust people in the past, it was just very hard for me and took a lot of time and proof of trustworthiness. Anyone who questions the validity of my needs or how "reasonable" they are right out of the gate has my distrust. Any therapist but one (who ended up pushing me off after 9 months) who has known about my BPD has automatically dismissed any problems I might have spoken of with other people, assuming all the problems were my fault and that I had no valid issue(s). When people I had actually managed to love and trust did the same thing to me.... It broke my ability to attach and trust even more. It felt like the ultimate invalidation of self.

I'm glad you have a therapist who can do that for you and that you are at last able to start healing. I'm sorry that you weren't given the chance to form a secure attachment. I wish there was more information about attachment/attachment issues. They affect one's life so deeply.

I think it is because I have trouble attaching in general. Instead of forming and breaking attachments quickly/impulsively, I tend to never attach at all. On the rare occasions I do, however, it ends badly and is very devastating. So I think it's partially that, distrust, and that I don't have any "personal" ground with them to begin with. If someone cannot relate to me in a personal way and can't share themselves...well, that seems to be a prerequisite for possibility of attachment for me. Since therapists can't be personal with their patients, plus the other things, maybe it's inevitable that I will fail to attach.

I think my mother was very inconsistent in her treatment of me, and any validation or regard was very conditional and based upon whether I pleased/displeased her or not. I was taught that my worth was only in pleasing her, taking care of her, and in making her look good.

Well seeing as how my dad died when I was 13 that makes the most sense. Being around him reminds me of being around my first husband so that's where I'm associating the crush feelings but my husband was 20 years older than me so from the outside it DEFINITELY looked like I had Daddy issues. Now the thing about that was that while I went on my first date with him because I figured it would be easygoing and fun, I was eventually ultimately turned on by my husband like I hadn't been before or since.

Maybe I should tell him now while my thoughts are pure before I go and get all pervy lol.

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The type of therapy I have is called person-centred, not sure if you've heard of or had this type of therapy but it is quite different to 'psychodynamic' or CBT... I have had psychodynamic psychotherapy and experienced my therapist as very 'impersonal' and 'cold' - I made little progress with him. My current therapist offers me a real interpersonal relationship, in which he accepts me entirely as I am and all my feelings are considered equally valid and acceptable - he offers no 'interpretation' of my feelings of experiences, but trusts me to make my own sense of my experiences. This is ESSENTIAL for me as, like you, I recoil and hide whenever my feelings are discounted and not validated. I have felt so alone with these feelings for so long, thinking it's just me with my 'oversensitivity'.

My therapist is there to provide optimum conditions for me to grow in - empathy, honesty, and unconditional positive regard (acceptance). Which work counter to the numerous negative conditions placed on me by my parents - my mother's 'sanity', the good, quiet, obedient child. This therapeutic approach has roots in attachment theory also, which is why it is enabling me to access some really young emotional stuff as well.

My therapist does not wear a mask of 'professionalism' or 'expert', he offers a warm and genuine relationship in which I can learn to trust both him (and I hope ultimately myself), attach and grow in ways that I feel are best for myself...

I have found this so effective and beneficial for me that a few years ago I decided to start training to become a person-centred therapist myself. I am passionate about it though the journey has been long and hard...

That sounds fascinating. No, I've never heard of it. I wonder how many therapists practice it where I am, especially seeing as how I haven't encountered it. From what I've observed, true validation seems very difficult for many therapists, especially once they discover the BPD. It sounds great.

I'm so glad that you've found that. Those things are indeed essential. I think attachment theory really needs to factor into the approach that therapists take to their patients more often. I always wanted/needed just one person to accept me like that. But the therapists tell me I shouldn't need it from outside of myself. Easy to say for people who received what they needed to lay the proper foundation of self...

I find they seem to have expectations quite often, but it seems you've found a therapist who just allows you to feel and be. That's wonderful.

Thank you for sharing. I'll have to look into that. Do you have any sites or books to point me to?

Good luck on your journey.

Hi Kamikazebaby,

Thank you Kamikazebaby, it sounds like we are travelling along similar journeys and I'm glad to have shown you a possibility for another type of therapy. Also Google 'La Jolla Program', which is an intensive 9/10 day retreat - not sure what your financial situation is as this is costly too. There are also online person-centred email groups (To discuss, share, ask for guidance /support) I can also send you links to if you're interested.

Go well and take gentle care,

Phx

Ps. Sorry if the editing isn't quite right I haven't worked out how to do it properly on my phone yet!

I will definitely look into the program, and I am very interested. My financial situation is not good right now, but I can plan, right? LOL.

I am trying to get better and continue to progress, even though I worry that this is as good as it's ever going to get.

That's also what I've been thinking a lot recently, that 'this is it' feeling - for me it's attached to heaps of emotional and psychological exhaustion, that I haven't got the energy to carry on, which quickly descends into a pit of despair that sometimes spirals horribly out of control 🙁

So thank goodness I've now got friends here to connect with 😊

Warm hugs for you Kamikazebaby, and all reading...

Phx

One other good thing about they person-centred community is that lots of events are organised so there are early booking fee discounts, bursaries to reduce the cost of payment plans offered to help spread the load. It may be worth you searching online for local groups that may meet within commuting distance to where you live. These only usually require nominal subs paid to cover room hire /tea or coffee.

I'm sorry you've been feeling that way as well. Is there a "good enough" somewhere along the way? I sure hope so. I don't know where or when we signed that contract that we would be perfect, or at least not ever "inconvenient" for anyone we loved. Goodness. (Sorry, mini-rant.) This is why having a good support network is so important for us. People just don't realize how much energy it takes to persevere even on the better days. It's ten times harder for us to move forward than it would be for people without these weights.

I'm glad you feel that way. I'm here! I'd be lucky to count you as a friend, I think.

There's not a whole lot around here. Not even DBT groups. But I will keep looking into this. It sounds more promising than anything has in a long time. DBT alone just isn't enough, nor are these therapists using CBT, etc. The last time I saw my last therapist, I gave her an update and her response was, "So you just wanted to update me on your life?" NO, I want your feedback and guidance! Good god.

I'm a perfectionist and I have a friend who tells me that the last perfect person died on the cross. I'm not religious but I definitely catch her meaning.

This thing about energy. I love my husband but he's not book smart. He's got a heart of gold, but when it comes to my psych issues there's a disconnect. We're getting there maybe, but he's definitely not someone helpful when I'm in crisis.

He thinks he's doing good when he gives me pep talks and tells me that I can do "anything I put my mind to." I tell him this isn't true. I told him that even if it was sort of within my grasp (swimming the English Channel, no - becoming a lawyer, maybe), the ENERGY I have to expend in order to achieve these goals is EXHAUSTING. It is hard to make someone understand how you can sit on your @$$ all day at work and still feel completely exhausted at the end of the day. It's like I'm doing battle with myself all day.

Then of course he thinks I walk on water. He says maybe he doesn't want to acknowledge it because it takes me off my pedestal. I told him that when he gives me these speeches he's just minimizing my struggle. I do enough of that on my own - I don't need your help.

Just WOW! I swear to God I cannot believe what I keep hearing here about some people's therapists. I love the one I have now and its been a while since I've been in therapy, but I cannot imagine someone saying something like that to me. Someone who is supposed to be HELPING me.

I haven't quite had an a-ha moment with him yet. I HAVE, but not like the one I"m about to share.

I had a boyfriend. High strung, caring, but seriously bouncing off the walls.

Anyway, it is my FIRST DAY at a new job after having gotten fired at my last job. I had given him my new work number (didn't have a cell then) because he used to pick my son up from school. He CALLS ME at work. My supervisor picks up the phone and tells me Warren is on the phone. The convo goes like this:

Me: "Hello"
Him: "How's it going?"
Me: "Fine. Is everything OK?"
Him: "Yeah, I just wanted to see how you're doing."
Me: "I'm working. I'll talk to you when I get home."

When I got home I FLIPPED THE FVCK OUT! "It's my FIRST DAY AT A NEW JOB! WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME? My supervisor answered the phone. I don't need to be looking like I'm going to be talking on the phone all the time."

I mean I WENT OFF! I go to therapy, tell this story to the therapist and he says to me, "WHAT AN @$$HOLE! What was he thinking? Calling to check up on you to see if you were OK on your first day at a new job?!?"

Point taken.

Today was an emotional session. He was kind of helping me see that the glass was half full rather than half empty in a manner of speaking. While I was beating up on myself, he pointed out the good. What he said I had to agree with. Of course then I asked how long it would be before I truly REMEMBERED this or BELIEVED it. He told me THAT will take time. Well I AM in it for the long haul. Hopefully I actually do begin some healing.