[henrydavidtherobot]

Quick bio:
I'm 25 and started the year in China. It wasn't helping me grow anymore, so in May I moved to Chicago (not where I'm from). I fell in love with a man and if I don't get into grad school out of state, we're moving in together in May. I have an awesome job doing what I love and my students and boss praise me all the time.

My life is very unstable right now. I live in a junky apartment and I have a roommate who is mean and has a drinking problem and is to me and blasts music all night, so I stay with my bf because I teach early in the suburbs. His roommates resent me for that, even though I don't rack up any expenses and am very nice to them. Since I'm waiting on my application results and don't have a lot of money, I'm stuck in this situation. I don't have many friends in Chicago. My BF went home for three weeks for Christmas. His mom is manipulative and selfish and locked herself in the bathroom until he agreed to give up the whopping two days we were supposed to spend with each other. I went to Oregon to distract myself and bond with friends. Our relationship is much stronger now.

However, I'm ashamed of myself because I did a lot of binge drinking to cope with the stress. On days I had to work, I never came in too hung over, but definitely had a bunch of days where I was pale and a dizzy. Once, when I had to stay at my place, I drank a few beers with my roommate and couldn't sleep after and independent contractor work for my boss and was exhausted. However, I stayed for 10 hours when I was supposed to stay for 5 and did great work. I just hope he didn't notice.

No one has said anything, but I feel ashamed for relapsing to old ways. I've made a game plan to move on and make better choices. I just feel really ashamed and irrationally anxious that my boss is going to fire me or something even though he's given me tons of praise (as have my students) and my coworkers in China told me they could never tell if I drank the night before.

I'm 25 and have come along way and am doing the best I can. How do I accept that I'm not perfect and that I haven't ruined my life? I'm so irrational.

For the record, my T says I don't meet the criteria for alcoholism, but that I should avoid it when overly stressed. I've decided to take some time away from drinking to focus on anxiety, insomnia, and mood swings.

[ShineYourLight]

YES this is hard to do...Everyone walks their OWN hell in life. Have you realized this yet? So when someone tells you,"someone has it worse" Do you realize that this is a lie? Because you cant compare another life with another? As far as your shame. I think this is the most part you have to get rid of. It makes me cheerful that you have recognized this apart of you though. You have already surpassed so many steps! To get rid of this shame you have to face it. Just like the movies, face your fears. Why do you think shows/movies/inspiration videos/people inspire us so much? Be one with your shame and tell your shame im ready to be "shameful" Im ready for people to judge me, im ready to do "stupid things" once you have control over this power, making life choices, "binge drinking" isnt as hard to make the choice whether or not your going to drink. It's almost as if you pick and choose your defeats instead of always giving in to defeat hope this makes sense

[shezbut]

Have you tried talking with your bf about how things went while he was gone, or is that a part of your anxiety? Just curious if you did, how he responded to you. If you do not want to tell your bf, that's okay...but, maybe you should write about it. Personally, I am a fan of writing my thoughts and feelings out. That's how I relieve myself from intense anxieties. It works pretty well for me.

You're only 25 y.o. and it sounds like you're doing really great! Try not to be so hard on yourself and expect perfection. None of us are perfect. We all have flaws, regardless of our age, intelligence, common sense, and beauty. It sounds kind of silly, because we all *know* that. However, sometimes our minds get in the habit of pushing self-perfection, and it's a very painful road (been there & done that for too long myself!).

You are doing great, but yeah, watch your alcohol intake. It can be easy to use that as a cane at times.