[mf1438]

Thanks to the advice from many people on this site, I’m getting help. I’m going to counseling sessions twice a week now. Sometimes I feel like my wife drove me to counseling since she refused to give me the help I needed. When I needed someone to talk to, someone to satisfy my need for intimacy, she rebuffed me. I can blame my wife can’t I? I’m not getting enough sex at home, this fuels my sex addiction.

Just kidding. It’s unfair to accuse anyone of being responsible for my mental illness, not even my parents and the dysfunctional family environment I grew up in. For a long time I blamed my screwed up life on them but now I’m working to forgive them. Now I’m finally getting to the point where I’m taking some responsibility for the situation and seeing how I contributed and what I could have done differently. And I’m working on forgiving myself too.

Why am I going to counseling? Yesterday my wife really upset me because she told my 19 year old daughter who was on a short visit from college that I was going to counseling. It’s an extremely touchy subject for me.

My wife said something like, he’s going to counseling to have fun. He’s treating it like a hobby, like some people go bowling, he goes to counseling. He likes the attention he gets. She sees me get all excited about going to see my shrink.

Truth be told, I am happy to have a woman I can talk to about sex, to tell me what I’m doing wrong and what I’m doing right. It is a turn on, that’s why I picked a female counselor, and in some ways it’s the conversation I could never have with my long gone mother.

My wife was talking about my counseling in a disparagingly way. She has always been against me going to counseling. She says I don’t need it. It’s a waste of time and a waste of money. I finally gathered enough courage to go into counseling and I went against her wishes, without her support and encouragement. It was hard. My ego was holding me back to. I felt I could handle my life on my own, but I kept slipping up. I felt I had life under control. But I didn’t. I don’t, but to make matters worse, I couldn’t bring myself to tell her the truth.

I told her I was going to “grief counseling”. I didn’t tell her I have a sex addiction, an unsatiable appetite for cybersex and hanging out on sites like Plenty of Fish, OKCupid and Ashley Madison. I didn’t want her to get alarmed and make me unplug my computer. It’s a great coping mechanism for me. Like right now, I like being able to articulate my feelings online. It has a cathartic effect.

I tried to clean it up with my daughter because I’m concerned. She may think it’s something worse than what it is. I mean, I’m not thinking about self-harm or committing suicide (one extreme). But I didn’t know what to tell her. I’m self-diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), insecure attachment styles (anxious- preoccupied and fearful-avoidant), and imposter syndrome, all presenting as a sex addiction. I couldn’t bring myself to tell my daughter that. And I couldn’t tell her that I’m tired of living in this situation, not getting enough sex, that I’m thinking about divorce and going back to drinking and smoking pot again. I don’t want to alarm her either.

When I was a teenager, my father used to go walking the dog and reading the bible. Picture this scene, a grown man walking the neighborhood reading scripture out loud (he worked 3rd shift so he would walk the dog in the late morning). My friends would tell me about it and make fun of him. I was embarrassed. My dad was crazy. Was it contagious? And then he went into the hospital for 30 days of inpatient detox, into the psych ward. He was on lock down. There was a big sign on the door. Mental Ward.

What was I supposed to tell my friends about this? Where’s your dad? Well I just went to visit him at the hospital. Why is he in the hospital? He’s crazy and he’s in the psych ward getting treatment. Nobody is that transparent, are they? So this is one reason why I’m embarrassed talking about my trips to the shrink. I believe it gives my children a poor impression of me.

Now I think I need a cover story. My son died over a year ago. I like the idea of hiding under the umbrella of grief counseling, that’s not considered mental illness, is it? I am still struggling with his death, but it’s not the real reason behind my visits to the shrink. And how long should grief counseling last?

What’s a good cover story? What should I tell my daughters when they ask “why are you going to counseling”?

[dancinglady]

None of their business truthfully. I applaud you to taking care of your issues. Sorry about your son dying. Hope it all works out.

[cryingontheinside]

Its up to you what you wish to tell them. You are doing something positive seeking help for your addiction and if you enjoy going there that's a bonus . I am really sorry to hear about your son.
I don't think you have to tell your family why you are going to counselling or make a cover story. They already know enough. Your going to counselling end of story , no need to tell them why or stress yourself thinking of a cover . I wish you good luck with your councelling .

~ Sophie

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[MasterChief]

Originally Posted by mf1438

What should I tell my daughters when they ask “why are you going to counseling”?

They're your family after all and your family will care for you and support you more than anyone else because they're your family. As opposed to a counsellor who ultimately doesn't care about you, she cares about her salary.

It sounds like you're looking to blame anyone and everyone for your addiction and going to see a female counsellor to talk about sex is probably not helping. You might end up fantasising about having sex with her...

Your poor wife has to put up with you and your problems so you should probably give her more credit. Babysitting a fully grown man with mental health problems cannot be easy on her.

As for your daughter, she is 19. She can understand that people have issues and I'm sure she will take it just fine, as long as you don't break down in front of her or anything. Whether she chooses to tell her friends about you is her choice although I doubt she will, as you said mental illness does have a certain overtone.

I'd also suggest not telling her about the sex addiction, she doesn't need to know that. Tell her you're just going to counselling for anxiety. She won't know any better. Just remember when you feel miserable or upset or whatever, think about the people around you, imagine if the shoe was on the other foot, your patience would wear thin too wouldn't it?

Good luck