[YMIHere]

I'm not "officially" Borderline as my therapist doesn't like putting labels on things. When I flat out asked him he kind of turned it to a discussion of dealing with issues rather than worrying about labels. I think I fit the bill with the exception of suicide attempts/ideation.

We're discussing my relationships. I'm explaining how I pretty much managed to DESTROY the good ones and how I did this to really good guys by completely driving them away. This brings us to a discussion of WHY. I never thought about that before. I made a million excuses - I was bored, they had no backbone. That's the kicker, the very thing that kept me so enthralled at the beginning - the way they worshipped me - is the very thing that disgusted me at the end. This was the pattern of my relationship. I love you, I love you, I want to spend every waking minute with you drinking you in and then GO THE FVCK AWAY!

Of course then I'd regret this and I'd go through it a few times before they finally got tired and decided to move on and not deal with my BS anymore. So there wasn't this clingy "Please don't leave me thing" going on, it was more a "I'm going to leave you before you can hurt me." That obviously wasn't my conscious thought, but in hindsight, it seems fairly accurate. I felt undeserving of all the love they were throwing at me.

11 months was my longest relationship until I met my first husband. I left a little before we would have made three years. I'm married now for close to 5 years, but the only reason that has probably lasted is because we never get to see each other - we are currently living apart. For that reason I can't get into my cycle. I don't get to be all over him to the point where I then have to drive him away.

So, for all of you people who know you're Borderline and have been dealing with this - how long was your longest relationship? I'm just curious if anything that I've said sounds familiar to anyone as well.

I appreciate you reading this far.

[dancinglady]

Originally Posted by YMIHere

I'm not "officially" Borderline as my therapist doesn't like putting labels on things. When I flat out asked him he kind of turned it to a discussion of dealing with issues rather than worrying about labels. I think I fit the bill with the exception of suicide attempts/ideation.

We're discussing my relationships. I'm explaining how I pretty much managed to DESTROY the good ones and how I did this to really good guys by completely driving them away. This brings us to a discussion of WHY. I never thought about that before. I made a million excuses - I was bored, they had no backbone. That's the kicker, the very thing that kept me so enthralled at the beginning - the way they worshipped me - is the very thing that disgusted me at the end. This was the pattern of my relationship. I love you, I love you, I want to spend every waking minute with you drinking you in and then GO THE FVCK AWAY!

Of course then I'd regret this and I'd go through it a few times before they finally got tired and decided to move on and not deal with my BS anymore. So there wasn't this clingy "Please don't leave me thing" going on, it was more a "I'm going to leave you before you can hurt me." That obviously wasn't my conscious thought, but in hindsight, it seems fairly accurate. I felt undeserving of all the love they were throwing at me.

11 months was my longest relationship until I met my first husband. I left a little before we would have made three years. I'm married now for close to 5 years, but the only reason that has probably lasted is because we never get to see each other - we are currently living apart. For that reason I can't get into my cycle. I don't get to be all over him to the point where I then have to drive him away.

So, for all of you people who know you're Borderline and have been dealing with this - how long was your longest relationship? I'm just curious if anything that I've said sounds familiar to anyone as well.

I appreciate you reading this far.

I had a relationship for 17 years. It was what you describe. In the end I saw the "go away" symptoms. He died.

[TishaBuv]

You and I have a lot in common. Not officially diagnosed with BPD and I am sure I have ADHD, but doctors dismiss it when I bring it up without even discussing it, IDK why.

Same way about the relationships, too. I am not making desperate attempts to avoid abandonment-- I push them away. Same way you described exactly.

I have wondered if I do it to reject them before they reject me and questioned if I deserved love. But, it is honestly just that I fell out of love and sexual attraction. I got repulsed, turned off.

As time went on, they started to show a lot of qualities that I really didn't like. I began to feel incompatible. I did not belong with them. I get an overwhelming feeling of I don't belong with anyone.

I have gone right from one man to another my whole life. Currently married, but recently separated, a rocky relationship of over 20 years with children. Prior relationships were a few that lasted a few years and were brief or near engagements. I've had unrequited love, inappropriate relationships, short-lived relationships, dates that didn't click, a few encounters that were just sexual, but most all relationships were with emotional attachment and mutual.

If you're interested in reading my other posts, you'll see that due to the dysfunction of my marriage, I am traumatized by sex now and don't want to even have it again. :-(

BPD, ADHD? IDK

P.s. It all started with a drug-induced date rape that took my virginity at 16.
And a father who was despondent and smoked himself to death when I was 12.

[Ocean Swimmer]

I've had 34 year friend now but used to be friend with benefits.

I've been married for 20 years.

Suffered 3 lover/fiancé /best friend suicides. I'm the survivor.

[YMIHere]

Originally Posted by dancinglady

I had a relationship for 17 years. It was what you describe. In the end I saw the "go away" symptoms. He died.

I'm sorry to hear that. My first husband that I separated from - he didn't make it a year before he died. I still deal with guilt from that.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

You and I have a lot in common. Not officially diagnosed with BPD and I am sure I have ADHD, but doctors dismiss it when I bring it up without even discussing it, IDK why.

Same way about the relationships, too. I am not making desperate attempts to avoid abandonment-- I push them away. Same way you described exactly.

I have wondered if I do it to reject them before they reject me and questioned if I deserved love. But, it is honestly just that I fell out of love and sexual attraction. I got repulsed, turned off.

As time went on, they started to show a lot of qualities that I really didn't like. I began to feel incompatible. I did not belong with them. I get an overwhelming feeling of I don't belong with anyone.

I have gone right from one man to another my whole life. Currently married, but recently separated, a rocky relationship of over 20 years with children. Prior relationships were a few that lasted a few years and were brief or near engagements. I've had unrequited love, inappropriate relationships, short-lived relationships, dates that didn't click, a few encounters that were just sexual, but most all relationships were with emotional attachment and mutual.

If you're interested in reading my other posts, you'll see that due to the dysfunction of my marriage, I am traumatized by sex now and don't want to even have it again. :-(

BPD, ADHD? IDK

P.s. It all started with a drug-induced date rape that took my virginity at 16.
And a father who was despondent and smoked himself to death when I was 12.

ADHD was the best diagnosis I ever had because it explained why I was always such a fvck up. I took that as the contributing factor for the demise of all of my relationships too - need a new bright shiny object.

We could call it falling out of love but if it's REALLY love it shouldn't go away. Especially for the reasons I drove them away. And no lie, the three nicest guys that I fvcked over were also INCREDIBLE in bed. Like I said, they worshiped me and aimed to please.

That feeling like I don't belong with anyone is where I am now. I'm a perfectionist. People think that means I like everything perfect which is only part of it. I won't do anything if I don't believe I can do it perfectly, whether that's EVER or at that point in time. My house is a wreck because I put off so much stuff b/c I can't do it "right" at this time. I did a Google search for "Extreme Perfectionism" and came up with Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. I really thought that might be my biggest problem until that led me to this place and I took the sanity quiz and the thing that was MOST highlighted - more so than the diagnoses I actually HAVE, was BPD. But the OCPD thing fit me like this. Not all of them, but quite a few which I marked bold here.

• Is preoccupied with details, rules, lists, order, organization, or schedules to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost
  
• Shows perfectionism that interferes with task completion (e.g., is unable to complete a project because his or her own overly strict standards are not met)
  
• Is excessively devoted to work and productivity to the exclusion of leisure activities and friendships (not accounted for by obvious economic necessity)
  
• Is overconscientious, scrupulous, and inflexible about matters of morality, ethics, or values (not accounted for by cultural or religious identification)
  
• Is unable to discard worn-out or worthless objects even when they have no sentimental value
  
• Is reluctant to delegate tasks or to work with others unless they submit to exactly his or her way of doing things
  
• Adopts a miserly spending style toward both self and others; money is viewed as something to be hoarded for future catastrophes
  
• Shows significant rigidity and stubbornness

Also sorry about your messed up youth. My Dad died when I was 13 and he spent the better part of his last year in the hospital, with one side of his body paralyzed due to stroke. And HE was the one who fulfilled our emotional needs. Mom never did anything with us unless it was something she wanted to do. Dad is the one who took us to the park, zoo, ice skating, bike riding, beach, amusement parks, etc. Because he was sick he retired early and came on EVERY SINGLE ONE of my class trips in 6th grade and we went on a LOT of trips. Then he was gone.

I'm an idiot that gave it up to the first person who showed me attention. He honestly never led me on as if he wanted more - I was just that effed up that I did it. That pattern continued. For all the things I did - especially later - I would lie to myself and say I was being an independent woman - being uninhibited and owning my sexuality which in all honesty was BS. It was just more of the same.

But thank you both so much for chiming in.

[TishaBuv]

We are exact opposites with the perfectionism. While I choose to only do things I do well, and can't bear to do things I don't want to do (the ADHD), I am completely fine with mediocrity and falling on my face.

We have the deceased father in common. I felt so much warmth come over me when you said how he did so much with you. Mine was so completely withdrawn, I wasn't even in his scope. He was an incredibly great guy, but his spirit broken. Movie star handsome. Although I knew he didn't really love me, I forgave him because I knew he was sick.

And yes, I gave it up or went out with whoever was interested in me, too. I didn't even that badly about the rape at the time, was confused if it even was rape, then became promiscuous. But serious boyfriends since college.

I am so glad to find someone with this same relationship thing in common!

I also think I have Relationship OCD. I can't stop obsessing over the one guy who I loved, but didn't really love me. A ten year on off crazy fling.

[TishaBuv]

Other OCD traits-- I air type whatever people are saying or I am thinking all the time.

But this never bothered me.

[YMIHere]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Other OCD traits-- I air type whatever people are saying or I am thinking all the time.

But this never bothered me.

OMG!!!! I did this with song lyrics!

I never knew anyone else who did anything like that.

I think it's one of the ways I got my typing skills up long before I was chatting on the internet. My son types like 60 + wpm with THREE fingers. One thumb and 2 index fingers, but he grew up online. I don't do it anymore b/c honestly I don't listen to music that much. Before I was diagnosed ADHD and medicated, there were 2 ways I drowned out the noise in my head - music and reading. I could read 300 pages a day. Yes, I'd drift off and read an entire page and have no idea what it said, but I'd go back and catch back up. And I could sit for HOURS with headphones on, since childhood, maybe watching the lights on the Christmas tree. Staring at the images on the album covers. I was putting records on the turntable when I was still young enough to want to play frisbee with them.

I also count in my head A LOT. I don't have to count to any specific numbers, but I'll catch myself counting my steps sometimes. Or when I'm blow drying my hair I will just count off seconds in my head. I would count to like 60 or 70 before I'd move on to the next section.

I'm thinking all the time as well, but we can attribute that to either the ADHD or Bipolar diagnoses as well.

[TishaBuv]

Me too, all of what you said. Can't stop myself from counting my steps all the time. Can read and totally not know what I read because my mind was actually elsewhere. But this all never bothered me, and I am an excellent student when I want to be, A+

[technigal]

I am now going on 15 years with my husband. Thank God he is patient with me.

Been married almost 25 years. He is so supportive of me. Tbh I don't know what I would do without him.

[kamikazebaby]

10 years. And I have never had a good relationship. I am usually fighting for the relationship/the other person for most of the relationship, doing all I can to be worth it to the other person, to keep their love. It never works, of course. No one can love the real me, the troublesome me who has needs of her own. I'm usually the one who is left.

I'm always amazed at people who find someone to marry, who stay together happily for so long. I wish those of us who were ineligible could just stop feeling.

[lavendersage]

Originally Posted by kamikazebaby

And I have never had a good relationship. I am usually fighting for the relationship/the other person for most of the relationship, doing all I can to be worth it to the other person, to keep their love. It never works, of course. No one can love the real me, the troublesome me who has needs of her own. I'm usually the one who is left.

I'm always amazed at people who find someone to marry, who stay together happily for so long. I wish those of us who were ineligible could just stop feeling.

I could have written that myself.

[kamikazebaby]

Originally Posted by lavendersage

I could have written that myself.

I just want to cry sometimes. It's sad that coworkers having anniversaries is actually triggering. Even when I accidentally look down and see a ring on someone's finger, the sign that someone found them worthy of committing to that deeply...sometimes it's like a knife through my heart.

[monkeybrains21]

going on 8 years with my wife but it will only be 2 yrs married. before her lots of 1 night stands or friends with benefits. also had a 2 yr relationship with an ex that end ed very badly with us getting into a fist fight and almost both getting arrested. the ex and i had a very tumultuous relationship of drugs, alcohol, lots of SI and even threats of suicide on both sides.

i am not officially diagnosed BPD but am leaning towards its.

[YMIHere]

Thanks everyone for the replies. Especially the ones who totally KNOW where I'm coming from. And the rest of you for giving me some semblance of hope though it's really just a glimmer. I feel like I'm about to give up on my husband and I'm trying to figure out whether I want to stay or what is possibly driving me to want to leave.

[TishaBuv]

I just realized this morning that I have been trying to give up on my husband for the past ten years. You are my soul sister!

[Serzen]

1 year and 1 month haha.

I'm not good at letting people know me.

[Aina]

I am 22 and I found my first relationship when I was 19 years old. It lasted for about 2,5 years, but it was well...chaotic. He was a manipulative sociopath and he was treating me very badly, he was paranoid, hacked my online internet accounts, read my personal conversations with friends on my phone or facebook, he was stalking me, harassing me... etc...etc..
I broke up with that guy 7 times and he always crawled back like a little beaten-up kid. It was 2,5 years of breaking up and getting togethers until once I lost my nerves and definitely ended the relationship.
It was so hard for me, because I didn't know how to be alone anymore. I had none existing self esteem and thought I wouldn't find anyone better anyway. I also thought I need him to keep my friends and make everyone happy.

Now I am in a second relationship of my life and it's been 10 months. I had had a bit of crisis about whether I want to be with him during the summer and I broke up with him once in october, but I learned soon enough that I kind of need him. Now it is pretty stable.

I didn't have any other relationships beside these two.

[kelseashell]

I've been married for just over 6 months now, and with my partner for over 5 years. I followed a similar pattern to yours in previous relationships but, luckily, found it to not be as prevalent with my husband, most likely because we're a good match.

That's not to say things aren't hard, because life with BPD can be rocky, especially since it is fairly new. One thing I've found has helped is education. My husband has read up a ton about BPD, maybe even more than I have, and understands how it works. This makes it a lot easier to deal with repercussions that come from my unstable emotions, quick mood swings, anger, etc. I'm still working on changing these patterns, of course, but it's extremely helpful be with someone who understands I love him and that my behavior is sometimes out of my control, not something personal to him.

[YMIHere]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I just realized this morning that I have been trying to give up on my husband for the past ten years. You are my soul sister!

One of the things I'm trying to figure out is if I'm staying because I don't want to "fail." I already have one failed marriage so that kind of bugs me. I feel like I love him, but we're not on the same wavelength most of the time. I think he would have been OK if we just stayed friends (before we got married) but I thought I was so in love yadda yadda yadda. Now I feel like it's not enough love to make it work.

Originally Posted by kelseashell

I've been married for just over 6 months now, and with my partner for over 5 years. I followed a similar pattern to yours in previous relationships but, luckily, found it to not be as prevalent with my husband, most likely because we're a good match.

That's not to say things aren't hard, because life with BPD can be rocky, especially since it is fairly new. One thing I've found has helped is education. My husband has read up a ton about BPD, maybe even more than I have, and understands how it works. This makes it a lot easier to deal with repercussions that come from my unstable emotions, quick mood swings, anger, etc. I'm still working on changing these patterns, of course, but it's extremely helpful be with someone who understands I love him and that my behavior is sometimes out of my control, not something personal to him.

And this is one of my other issues. He doesn't really educate himself. He will tell you he's not "book smart." He listens to me and I must admit he's one of the most forgiving people I know, but I feel like I need him to GET IT. And he says he does, but I don't believe it. He loves me, he puts up with me, but from past talks I can tell that he just thinks that I CAN control this. I'm SURE he didn't expect the tongue lashing he got when he told me, "You can do anything you put your mind to." Sure I can. I'll be exhausted, at the end of my rope and ready to kill you, but sure buddy. I'll agree with you there."