[cowboy87]

Borderline Personality Disorder is commonly diagnosed in women, and it is rare to see in men. I am one of those rare men with borderline. I wanted to share how my disorder affects me.

First up, is extreme reactions. I react a lot with anger and frustration. I find that I can switch to my Mr.Hyde side faster than a rattlesnake preparing his lunch. When people get me upset I will say very humiliating and degrading things and use their vulnerabilities against them. It's great to keep away bullies, however I have lost a lot of loved ones and friends close to me because of this. It is something I have been working on, and find it much easier to keep my mouth quiet.

Relationships- I have no friends. I think I like it like this or either I have to like it because that is how it is. I am not able to maintain a relationship with people at all. I will socialize and call people I know. But I have never truly had a friend, someone to do things with, share my secrets with, someone I can trust to talk to. I don't like thinking about it because it makes me want to cry. I see so many people in this world that have at least a best friend, or a group of friends. I have my wife, but over the years we have become distant because of my instability with my bipolar and borderline. I know she loves me and I love her, but I am scared to be open and close. Every time I try to make a friend, I feel I get too attached too fast and then when they start blowing me off, I am just like whatever, and drop the whole relationship and avoid them. I honestly think I do not know how to make friends.

Self-Image- Still trying to find out who I am. I have made progress with starting a non-profit to help those with psychiatric disabilities by providing them a pet and taking care of their pet costs. But, i have changed my major in school over a dozen times, work menial jobs, and have no hobbies or interests. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't think I ever will.

Impulsive behavior- not comfortable sharing this but I do have strong urges to do things that break the law or ruin relationships. I never act on them though. But the thoughts of them crossing my mind are bad enough.

Moody- I should be in the dictionary next to moody. My moods are like tsunamis, they come fast, powerful, and without warning.

Emptiness- No friends, no career goals, no hobbies. My life is boring as one can imagine. I have started my own company though, but we will see how long it last.

Psychosis- This is a strange one, because I never thought about it until I read about it and my p-doc pointed it out. But when things get too depressing or stressful, I just cut complete contact with reality and walk around inside my brain looking at things, while I leave a zombie sitting there.

So this is what it is like for a man to have borderline.

Thoughts, Opinions, Feelings, Questions?

You're a good writer! You express yourself very well. I'm sorry to hear you're having difficulties. I have bipolar and borderline as well, but i'm a woman. I don't have any friends either but i'm divorced. At least you have your wife. Can you try and make things better with her? Have you seen a marriage counsellor?

You sound like you have a lot of insight into yourself. Borderline is a tough row to hoe and bipolar complicates it. Bravo for learning to keep cutting remarks to yourself. Keep at it, we're all a work in progress!

[Anrea]

Thoughts, Opinions, Feelings, Questions?

Thoughts: 1. A man has a different set of expectations then a woman in America. This probably causes him problems he knows, and problems he doesn't. For a 'cowboy' he is on this site, talking about feelings. That is exceptional, and shows my idea of cowboy is an incorrect stereotype. The fact that he pointed out he is a man, and called himself cowboy is a reflection of the image he is or was expected to uphold is probably very traditional masculine - "no crying allowed".

Opinions: I have nothing valuable to offer that he hasn't thought of. I am a female with bpd and bp. Either his behavior is more extreme then mine has been, or he judges himself harshly. I wonder if his wife feels that he is distant while he is actually pretending to be normal. Unexplored depths that he guards- this area has a multitude of possibilities.

Feelings: Sad for you that you miss friends. Being an adult is hard to make friends unless you meet new people in group activities. I also don't have extra people in my life beyond my spouse, but I am 51 and sick of restarting. I find it easier without people, and I interact in a MMORPG setting, fb, and here when I want to.

Questions: When I was younger, I would have many questions because I used empathy as a tool to get into peoples heads. I know the questions to ask to get you to disclose more, but I am not consistent, so may or may not comment again. Also, empathy might be something that you seek from people, but when they get too close, you strike if they respond wrong. It might be your weakness from the standpoint of "how would I catch this man" - and also makes you feel strong when you won't be lured in by a woman being gentle with you (You wouldn't coddle someone but tell them to toughen up) (or if your wife cries when you are mad at her you feel hard and strong). I have no questions because I am nearly completely out of society, as I have your same issues. Especially with family and no friends. I guess I do have a question that you can ask yourself. Are you attracted to empathy, and look for that in females? Does that eventually lead to you taking advantage of that? Do you feel a person with empathy is weak?

Conclusion: Your not alone. Not at all.

Edit addition: Do you know that disappointment in others is actually not their problem? It is from expectation. Often caused from being raised with unclear or unrealistic expectations and feeling confused by others disapproval of our actions or choices. Learn more about disappointment, fear, expectation, distrust.

Did you know that some people who were abused do not know it, or define it as abuse?

Rhetorical questions for you to ask yourself.

[TimTheEnchanter]

If I did not know better I would say that I too suffer from BPD. I'd guess it is easy to confuse bipolar with BPD. In the past I had a very rocky history with women. As for friends I am like you. I have no friends, at least nobody close. Except, I have a wife and we have been together for 17 years.
Anger is there because our subconscious knows about our condition even when we are not fully aware. That can be managed but I find it hard. I wish you the best.

[Wild Coyote]

Hi Cowboy,

Thank you for openly sharing.

I have met many women challenged with BPD. I have not knowingly met a man with BPD; however, I suspect both my dad and a brother had suffered BPD and Bipolar. They have each passed on. I love them dearly, always. I hated the fact they had suffered so much. I still seek insights into what life may have been like for them, internally, within themselves. Thus, I am grateful for your sharing.

I am sorry for your challenges.
I am so very sorry for the loneliness, the lack of friends. You write so well, it's hard to imagine you have difficulties keeping friendships going. However, I will definitely take your word for it.

One of my best friends lives with BPD. I love her dearly. I try to learn all I can, always. I want understand and want to be a good friend to her at all times. It has taken a lot of studying up and learning, as well as modifying my own approaches into something more palatable for her, a way we can communicate with minimal "triggering." It takes time and practice. It's worth it because I do love her so and I do want to be there for her, especially during her darkest times.

Again, thanks so very much for sharing! It took a lot of courage and a significant amount of time as well, Cowboy.

I hope to see you around the forums.

With Sincere Gratitude,
WC

[Deranged Hermit]

Well I'm another man suffering from BPD, so I'll add my two cents.

First I can't believe how similar we are with nearly every

My Mr.Hyde side: I am not sure how it was for you as a kid, but my father was extremely abusive towards both me and my sisters and my mother. To prevent him from hitting the others I would provoke him. I quickly learned that it hurts far less if you are so pissed you can't feel anything. This was compounded by being picked on in school. Taking out a senior football player who weighed twice as much as me and was 5 years older stopped a lot of the bullying, but it never did stop completely. At times though I feel these are excuses and not reasons. The real reason is something that scares me, I feel to much at times and can no longer contain it and it come out as physical violence. It is a willful act to pent the built up feelings. What kind of person does that make me to willingly hurt someone just to feel better. Its an issue I have never wanted to face.

Relationships- I too have no friends. I have acquaintances with co workers but this never extends beyond the work environment and is limited to non personal stuff. I have gone days and weeks without more then a hello, or this *beeping* sucks. My only relationships are with my wife and daughter. I feel that in the past I made very close friends and they always left. I can't face the abandonment so I simply have no friends now.

Self-Image- I too am still trying to find out who I am. I tend to wear masks so I can fit in with geeks, or with the goths or nearly any other social group but they are not who I am. I simply seem to be different. At 35 I still have no idea what to "do" with my life. Every couple of weeks I pick up a new subject (painting, programming, physics, chem, writing, social work the list goes on) and study it completely telling myself this is who I am and what I'm going to do. then I lose interest. I've spent tens of thousands of dollars on paints, computer programs, books etc. Ironically like another poster said the only thing I know is that I'm a "man" because I refuse to cry. Even when I know that the stereotype is nonsense.

Impulsive behavior- I speed, I smoke way to much, I want to cut but I don't because I've promised my wife I won't. I ignore family in favor of video games even when I know that its detrimental to my family. I think I do these things to try and fill that empty void that is inside of me.

Moody- Same here, not much I can add.

Emptiness- The void. To those who have never felt it it can be hard to explain. Things that once brought me some measure of joy or satisfaction leave me feeling nothing.It is as if all of the happiness has been leached from the world leaving it blue and grey and cold. The nonfeeling becomes so overwhelming that I would do anything just to feel something.

Psychosis- I've always heard of this being called disassociation. The disconnection from physical reality. Because there is so little in my life I like to read so that I can become someone else and experience a new life. For many reading is an inner monologue for me I am there, that reality has smells, textures and sounds and is in many ways far more real then the one I normally occupy.

[pragero]

Hi Cowboy87;

I am a male and was recently diagnosed with BPD. It's been a rough ride, but I'm finally now at a point where I can feel comfortable acknowledging its existence in my life. These are my two cents.

Extreme reactions: The most insignificant things will bother me, and I will usually blow everything out of proportion with thoughts like "This guy is out to get me" or even believing that there's some conspiracy in the background attempting to somehow make my life miserable.

Relationships: This has gotten better over time. I have a wife and two small kids, and generally, I"m medicated enough that I can keep reactions controlled; but when I blow a fuse, it's really not a good thing to be around me.

Self-image: Oh boy! This has probably been the hardest for me to deal with. I've always struggled with this--not only at the individual level, but more broadly I've struggled with the question, "Are there universal masculine traits?"

Impulsive behavior: Ditto! Huge debt from the last binge.

Moody: Today I'm completely in love with someone and will idealize them; but if they somehow fail to meet my expectations, I turn against them.

Emptiness: This is I think the hardest for me. I did some research on this, and I identify this feeling of emptiness with the condition known as "dysthymia", a prolonged depressed state.

Psychosis: I've had several bouts of psychosis; they're scary.

All the best.