[Cavegirl]

I was diagnosed about ten years ago with BPD and Bipolar during my first hospitalization. I had no idea what BPD was, the pdoc showed me the DSM. I read it and I agreed with the diagnosis.

I've never been to therapy...or at least dedicated myself to therapy. I've taken meds for bipolar. Things are spinning completely out of control. I began doing online research. I now feel like a piece of crap. I am now certain that people hate me. I feel so bad for my husband. I started reading the "self help" articles for those in relationships with a Borderline. I know I suck at relationships. The relationship I am currently in is my first stable relationship. I married one and a half years ago at the age of 40. I didn't realize how horrible and cruel I am. I don't know what I am going to do. My bipolar is raging, I can stay up for days. My mind is racing. I walked out on a job so I am unemployed. I have no money at all. I am despondent. I am a failure. I hate myself. I keep having panic attacks. I lost way too much weight because I have no appetite. I am scared I am going to gain back weight as I just started my psych meds again, but I don't want to be too skinny either (yes, contradiction).

I completely suck at everything. I suck at life. I can't handle it - I've never been able to handle it. Why am I so weak and stupid. My poor, poor husband.

[TishaBuv]

The fact that you have a husband means you are loved by someone, so you can't be so bad.

The way they describe Borderlines in the books are so negative, of course it makes you feel bad about yourself. I read "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" and felt so misunderstood and angry at the author. (I might have BPD)

[Cavegirl]

I just feel so overwhelmed, as I have a lot of work to do on myself.

[Chuva]

Dear Cavegirl: you're not a monster. We are not monsters. Please believe me.

You shouldn't read online forums or articles targeted on non-borderlines, because more often than not they are extremely nasty and full of resentment. More often than not they are written by people who have ended a relationship with a borderline for various reasons and can't help but believe they have somehow been "abused". While this may be the case sometimes (there are bad people also among borderlines), this is not always the case. Not at all.

You have a husband, this means you are loved and he finds you a good person, otherwise why would he stay with you? I have a boyfriend and sometimes I feel like he's going to leave me because it's simply not possible he can't stand me anymore. But this he never did in three years. He says he's not even close to doing something like that, although he admits sometimes it's hard.

[Cavegirl]

Thank you Chuva.
About a month or so ago I noticed that there is a book out called "Stop Walking On Eggshells"...it quickly struck a chord as my husband has used the expression "walking on eggshells" a couple of times. I try not to be that person. I am not physically abusive. I rarely scream or raise my voice anymore. I do not throw things. Those behaviors I am now able to keep under control. But...he has used that expression. That makes me sad.

[Chuva]

Dearest,

My boyfriend told me "he doesn't want to reach the point of no return". I was so scared by this I went completely numb and dissociated, I couldn't feel a thing anymore. But he's still here for me and, when I asked him a few days later, he said he's not going to leave me, not even close. He said he was just expressing a thought he had had at the moment, because, as he says, it's very hard to be with me. But he's not going to leave. And so is your husband, I believe.

[Cavegirl]

Originally Posted by Chuva

Dearest,

My boyfriend told me "he doesn't want to reach the point of no return". I was so scared by this I went completely numb and dissociated, I couldn't feel a thing anymore. But he's still here for me and, when I asked him a few days later, he said he's not going to leave me, not even close. He said he was just expressing a thought he had had at the moment, because, as he says, it's very hard to be with me. But he's not going to leave. And so is your husband, I believe.

I am not fearful of him leaving, at least not at the moment. He has said some very hurtful things during the few arguments we've had. We've never discussed my mi before...he knows I have them...just not much about them until recently. He says that he wants me to get better, and...sometimes it can really suck. I never realized all the stigmas attached to BPD until recently.

[Anrea]

A. You are looking at how your behavior is affecting him. PROGRESS!

B. You want a positive outcome that keeps the two of you together and happy. PROGRESS!

C. You know your issues and are considering working on them seriously and educating him. NO TIME LIKE THE PRESENT! GIT ER DONE!

I have BPD and BD. All the willpower in the world couldn't do for me what therapy and meds have. This 3rd marriage should work too, because I am so much better through knowledge.

[Cavegirl]

Originally Posted by Anrea

A. You are looking at how your behavior is affecting him. PROGRESS!

B. You want a positive outcome that keeps the two of you together and happy. PROGRESS!

C. You know your issues and are considering working on them seriously and educating him. NO TIME LIKE THE PRESENT! GIT ER DONE!

I have BPD and BD. All the willpower in the world couldn't do for me what therapy and meds have. This 3rd marriage should work too, because I am so much better through knowledge.

Thank you for your positivity. The first step is admitting you have a problem. I have a new mental health team. I am somewhat hopefully. Very overwhelming.