[Becoming]

I seem to annoy and piss off my girlfriend quite a bit. At least in person. I don't understand how. Anyway...she just came to visit for four days (we are long distance and see each other once or twice a month) and we got in quite a few silly arguments. It's just that they didn't actually feel silly to me. They are only silly if you put them into perspective I guess. Allow me to explain.

Take for example...Saturday morning it was cold and raining. We went to a pride parade over the weekend. She was not in a great mood because she was cold. We had to share an umbrella because hers broke. I was excited and bouncing around because I love pride parades. She got annoyed and kept telling me to calm down and stop moving the umbrella. Eventually I gave her the umbrella and danced in the rain. I grabbed her broken umbrella and used it not long after. She then complained I needed to stop swinging the umbrella around because I was acting like a three year old and that I needed to listen to her before I hit someone or poked her in the eye with it. I took it kind of as an attack on my personality. I don't do well with people telling me to calm down or just telling me what to do at all. So that was upsetting. And I couldn't make her happy which made me feel worse because I felt like she was just miserable and my hyper self was making it worse. I don't like when people aren't happy especially if I can't fix it or feel like it's partially my fault. Anyway...later she got over it when it stopped raining and the sun came out.

A second example...we were at an arcade. We just had eaten dinner. She wanted to count her money before loading the cards for the arcade. She didn't understand I was suggesting how to split the bill for dinner and wasn't listening and I kept repeating myself. She got nasty and said that I wasn't listening to her and told me to shut up or she was going to loose it. I got upset and just shut my mouth. Soon after we got over it and played games but it resurfaced at the end of the night. She accused me of throwing a tempur tantrum. I said we should go back to my house and forget the rest of the night. She refused. So we started to do our own thing at the arcade and not interact with one another for a good hour or so. I won't tell her this, but I was so upset that I snuck to the bathroom for a private place to cry. Telling her this would just make her feel worse so I don't intend to mention it ever.

I didn't speak much during the car ride back. About twenty minutes into the car ride she said, "so are you ganna talk to me at any point tonight? Cause it's kinda ****** I spent all this money on train tickets to come out here and you're not talking to me. What is the point in me coming out here? I'm not going to do it again if we are just going to argue. You've been treating me like **** all weekend."

At this point I lost my cool. I yelled something like "Look...when I don't talk it is because I'm thinking and I don't want to say something I regret. Sometimes I can't even catch the thoughts in my head. And even when I ask you for some clarification or I say something is bothering me you just tell me to let it go or drop it and roll your eyes. I'm just trying to figure out how to communicate with you and then you go and say I'm throwing a tempur tantrum?! I have a right to be upset, you know?! You tell me to let things go when I am trying to figure out how to work out a disagreement. If we just let it go it would just linger! And you cannot tell me to shut up. You cannot tell me to calm down. I am a hyper person and yes, I am also sensitive, but you have to understand that. It's not ****ing okay to tell me to calm down or to shut up. I'm not cool with that! I am a hyper and sensitive person. If that's a problem, I don't know what you want me to do about it! I'm not going to stop being myself!"

She stated crying at that point and I felt kind of bad. She claimed that she wasn't trying to change me. Just that I should be calm and quiet at certain times. Then she said she feels like I hate her because we argued. I assured her that I don't hate her, but that we needed to resolve this. Later, she did say she likes that I am hyper but that there is a time and a place for it.

This morning before I brought her back to the train. Before that she got mad at me because I got into an argument with my brother. She complained I had an attitude and that I should be nice to him and that he's allowed to have opinions (he was taking about gun control and he and I have very different viewpoints). I felt that was not her place, but I kept my mouth shut and asked not to talk about it since she was leaving soon. At the train station we got in a little tif. I can't remember what. But I remember her saying "this is your problem. You don't stop when I tell you to stop! Just drop it! Okay?!I'm leaving soon. Can we just enjoy this time before I go?!" I didn't say anything. I just nodded. It didn't come up again. I did not want to leave on bad terms. She finally got on her train and I kissed her goodbye, said I loved her, and I will miss her.

So...bottom line is...I don't understand. Is something wrong with me? Am I processing all of this wrong? Is she being mean/rude or am I wrong or overly sensitive to feel that she is? Is any of this related to BPD? I love the heck out of this girl but I can't take feeling like I can't express myself (hyper, calm, or whatever) from anybody. My family does it to me all the time and I don't want it from her too. I explained how invalidating she has been at points and she felt bad about it, but somehow still continued the behavior unintentionally. Help. What do I do? I don't want us to argue like this. If she's going to say ****...do I just need to grow a thicker skin? She's great but I personally feel she doesn't have too much patience and gets angry quickly and then ends up hurting my feelings which is not hard to do at all. Help?! :/



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[kamikazebaby]

Unfortunately it sounds like you have a controlling and invalidating sort as a girlfriend. Mine was much the same (angry and impatient, too, and seeming to dislike and disagree with me as a person). This will only get worse over time. We tend to draw and be drawn to people who fit with us in these ways, connecting with our vulnerabilities. I'm sorry, I know it hurts and that it's very hard to experience from someone you love.

And no, please don't start suppressing who you are or trying to silently endure the pain of someone tearing you down. Someone who loves you shouldn't make you feel like this and definitely shouldn't ask you not to be yourself. They should bring you joy and raise you up, not crush your spirit and slap you down.

[StrawberryFieldsss]

I was going to say you sound incompatible. The right person will celebrate these things about you that you love doing not trying to squelch it. I dont know, but it seems like pride is the PERFECT place to dance in the rain to me.

I know someone like this.. doesnt listen, constantly shooting down everything I say. I find them toxic and want nothing to do with them unless I have to. I used to put up with it... know what the difference was for me? Self-respect. This person rubs other people the wrong way too and my perspective is that they dont accept me and respect my desire to express myself. Sorry but thats not a relationship or friendship

[Becoming]

I ended up having a very long conversation with her about it over the phone.

She basically said she likes when I am hyper but there is a time a place for it. She said she is going to work on not saying shut up. She apologized for accusing me of throwing a tempur tantrum and of saying I treated her badly over the weekend. She claimed she said I treated her bad because she was angry and pushed to her limits and did not mean it. She also said when she asked me to let things go or drop it she did not mean forever, but just until we calmed down. I asked her to watch her wording and try saying things like "let's talk about this later" or "please give a minute. I need some quiet right now." She said she'll work on all of this.

Now I don't know if this is good enough and I understand what both of you are saying for sure. We will have to see what happens next time I see her (in a week). If she keeps things up even after having an hour long calm/mature conversation about everything, then maybe it's not a good fit. That would suck...we have also known each other for two years. It's only the last two months we decided to get into an actual relationship. Before that we were good friends.

It's funny when you get into a relationship how things look differently, you know? I don't remember her being like this when we were just friends at all.



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[StrawberryFieldsss]

Awww well I wish you the best, Becoming! Relationships sometimes change when theres romance involved.

Since you mentioned that youve been in a relationship just for the past couple of months it could also very well be an adjustment period? It also makes it difficult that youre long distance. If you havent been around each other a lot it could be that too.

[kamikazebaby]

Glad to hear that she said she'd work on the problem areas you mentioned to her. It's interesting that her feeling of being at her limit came out as saying you were treating her badly. Does she have trouble with accurately identifying the root causes of why she feels or reacts in certain ways?

Oh yes, things definitely look different from a romantic perspective, even if you've known someone a while as a friend. Knowing someone in a different capacity, on a different level of intimacy, is almost like getting to know that person all over again. There's also the honeymoon period when things seem nicer, but inevitably you hit that place where both people start becoming aware of things that they find less wonderful. Problems, pet peeves, etc. Issues can accumulate over time and start to drag the relationship down if things aren't addressed properly. I think you did well in providing her with the communication tips. I hope she follows them! It's very important that communication be accurate, respectful, and compassionate.