[doomed user]

I have just realised that I am not just the hypersensitive, caring guy I thought I was. No, I'm also a tiring, stubborn jerk bordering on sadism and abuse. I have treated friends and family bad while they didn't deserved it, and I always found excuses for myself, blaming my emotional issues, their mistakes and my bad upbringing.

I feel terrible. All this time I've been sad because of the nearly debilitating depression and loneliness that I was experiencing, only to be now thankful for it, as it was deserved and it most likely kept me from doing even more harm.

Please, how can I help myself? I really can't afford therapy at the time being and I'm hating every second of my existence. I have lots of plans for the future, I dream of being good and make a difference in this world, but I keep finding out how wrong my sense of self has been all this time.

I apology for any mistake or vagueness made, English isn't my native language.

[Skeezyks]

Hello doomed user: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. There are many caring & knowledgeable members here. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more connected to the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join, & chat rooms where you'll be able to communicate with other members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lot's of great stuff!

You know... I have had struggles similar to yours all of my life. Over the years I did serious damage to a number of people who deserved infinitely better from me. I have often thought to myself that I hope it is the case that I have been mentally ill all of my life. Because, if I haven't, then that means I was simply a bad seed... basically a bad person. I have so many disturbing memories I can't keep track of them all...

From my perspective trying to do battle with all of these demons is a losing proposition. The more one struggles against them, the stronger they become. Instead I strive to accept that I am who I am & I did what I did. And when disturbing memories arise, I accept them with lovingkindness & compassion. It is a Buddhist practice called: "compassionate abiding". I dislike making these kinds of suggestions. But what I have found to be the most helpful has been the writings of the Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön. It is from her writings that I learned the Compassionate Abiding practice as well as other "self-care" techniques that keep me from making yet another attempt to put an end to it all. I wish you well...

hi there xx
just wanted to welcome you to the forum
lots of love from Danica xx

[shezbut]

Welcome to PC, doomed user.

Sorry that I don't have any words of wisdom to share. Just wanted to offer a hug to you and welcome you to Psych Central!

[Cavegirl]

Hello welcome!
BPD is just cruel to all of us. I found psych central recently, and I have just been reading everything that I possibly can on both BPD and Bipolar. I am seeing that education is crucial. There are so many articles on BPD that I've run across that made me feel like a complete monster. But, reading the forum threads have been so incredibly insightful. I don't feel alone in this fight anymore. I am seeing some really nasty behaviors that I wasn't exactly aware of, but, awareness and realization is beneficial in being able to work on myself.
I was reading http://www.bipolarsjuk.se/pdf/Handbo...BT%20Group.pdf this today. It's a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Group Handbook. I know it says Bipolar, but, you get the point...it teaches DBT. It has worksheets, 94 pages free download, pretty easy to understand...maybe you can find it useful.
Be kind to yourself.

[Luctor]

That all sounds alarmingly familiar. You're not a bad person. We've all made mistakes and hurt the people we love. Forgive yourself, but resolve to get better. You've already taken the first step - reaching out. Keep going. The road to recovery is worth the effort.

I sincerely hope you feel better.

[doomed user]

Thank you all for the warm welcome and kind words and advice!

I've done some thinking and decided to start trying to improve my behavior, perception and reactions. This 'disorder', I look at it as it is a learnt behavior, so it's a reversible thing.

I will use all the help that each one of you has given me and I will change. Thank you and I hope all of you feel better and defeat this!

[doomed user]

Thank you all for the warm welcome, advice and kind words! I hope that every one of you will feel better and defeat this.

I've done some thinking and decided to do my best and change the way I react, perceive and behave. This learned behavior (the way I look at BPD), shouldn't get the best of us.

Once again, thank you for all the help each one of you gave me!