Why did my ex gf behave like this?

I'm a non. My ex girlfriend has BPD. During our relationship things started out good, but she eventually started criticizing everything.

I mean we had an apartment, I was sitting on the stairs talking to a guy who was my neighbor, she'd go, "why do you sit so close to him?"

It wasn't that close, I asked if he cared & if he thought it was close. He didn't.

She criticized my driving, clothes, how I walked, mannerisms, and basically I couldn't move without it being judged.

It was like passive aggressive, but I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong, because I'd even ask her what I was doing that's bothering her, try to work on it, and she'd still flip out.

I later heard from multiple people different things, some didn't even know each other, that she'd say things when I wasn't around.

She'd talk about how "easy" I had it, how I always, "got away with everything without anything bad happening". To one person she called me things like "golden boy" and "everybody loves perfect Chris."

I'm not that perfect, I don't have a lot of money, I'm not socially special or tall or super good looking or anything, just a respectful person, always keep my promises, everybody gets along with me.

And no matter what happens I'm always optimistic, even in the worst situations (no anxiety, fear), and generally a happy person no matter how bad things are. Basically I have a good handle on my emotions.

She cheated on me, lied to me, stole from me, and I later found out this stuff that she was jealous of me.

I can understand she might be jealous. I just don't get why she was so mean, because I always tried my best to listen, never put her down, or made her feel less than, and supported her.

Last time I left for a couple months, she called after a break up, said she wanted to get back together. I told her I didn't know, she goes, "is there any hope?" and stuff so I gave it another chance.

Within a week and a half she calls to tell me she's back with her ex but I'm "still her best friend" & goes sorry.

I got mad at her, not because she went back, but because I asked her multiple times if she was sure she wanted to work things out, and she lied to me, because I always kept my promises to her 110%.

I stopped calling her & she hasn't called me since.

I'm just trying to get insight on what happens in a BPD mind so I can understand her perspective. Do BPDs resent people who seem really happy? I really don't get it.

She was just a mean unhappy, miserable b!tch who wanted you to be as miserable as her.


You don't need BPD to be that way.


I certainly am not, and have not seen evidence of people on this forum behave like that either.


On the other hand, my cousin, his wife is a non, and she sounds just like your ex.


So whether or not she has BPD is a moot point, she's just a really shytti human being.


Sorry to hear you went through that.

It's all good. Ppl get too down on that stuff, it revealed all my weak spots in my personality, and challenged me to be loving and compassionate to someone who wasn't necessarily.

She didn't understand, I was a horribly cruel person at times when I was a teenager (28 now), like I'll look at situations for years now and when I have issues with people write out where I felt they went wrong, but also what I could do better.

I have constantly focused on improving myself, and because of that turned out really respectful, honest, and most people love me, but she didn't realize how hard I worked to be a better person and thinks I just have it easy.

Then it pissed her off no situation or person could make me feel bad about myself, again only cuz of years of getting over self-esteem issues & learning to love myself.

But whatever she tried to get "revenge" and stuff I was like, "I made my choices, I'm gonna have to deal with them one way or another, so do whatever you're gonna do, but if you're gonna do it, but don't be all dramatic and make a big show, just do it."

I was curious because my mom has traits of BPD, my ex did, but different. Most people with BPD I found just need respect to know you're making an effort to be honest and appreciate them, they're actually some of the most empathetic people I've ever met.

I have another friend with BPD. When I lost my iPhone someone picked up her call, and she lives in another town so she called her best friend who also knew me and set up so the guy could bring it to her & make sure I got it back.

I just feel like she was jealous at my ability to be optimistic, happy, and grateful no matter what happens cuz she got upset and miserable so easily & couldn't shake me, but then she never considered that's only cuz I spent years working on myself (I literally have 20,000 words of notes I wrote over the last few years working on myself).

I'm tryna understand the BPD mind it's a kind of a mystery to me I can't relate to.

Idk any other ppl personally who have BPD but for myself, I've never been like that. I pretty much find myself a liner, even though I'm married. I tend to keep to myself and not do much. I find solace in being by myself a lot of the time.

It seems that you see social standing, money and such as the things to be jealous of. It may be that to her your ability to be at ease around others, the fact that you know who you are and that you have a handle on your emotions are things to be jealous of.

It sounds as if she was pushing you away, either because she was afraid that you would abandon her, or it could be that she was testing you to see how much you really loved her. I have been known to be both blunt and critical of those I've loved when I fear they may leave me. I feel at those times that if I can piss off my loved one enough they may do something I can blame them for and no longer feel responsible for the failed relationship. I can be angry and if I'm angry I have no room to feel the sadness.

This is just musings however, I have know way of knowing the reasoning for anyones behavior but my own.

Wrong post

It is so hard to explain some things. Also - basic reasons can vary so much.

Don't think every BPD person is like that, because some BPD like to over please, and fear doing anything a potential mate wouldn't like. BPD is as different from one person to the next.

However, BPD symptoms have consistencies as well. Read this sticky thread which is good: http://forums.psychcentral.com/borde...scription.html

Now, I am going to give you my take on your gf. And I am stepping outside of the limit of BPD, because I think she has more issues then just one.

1 All relationships start out good, because both parties are attracted to the other in some way and seek a desired outcome. This outcome often is not the same, and leads to an end in the relationship. This isn't a fault, this is clarity and a good and natural thing.

2. Criticizing comes from unreasonable expectations. It comes from within. It comes from a belief in creating an image rather then accepting what is. You could not measure up to her unless you were okay with being criticized because that is how she relates to herself and the world. Looking at the world through a critical eye. My husband looks at the world through funny eyes. He finds humor in nearly everything. He thinks things are funny, but I have taught him that it is how he views the world. HE sees funny, and shares the fun. She was critical - probably because she grew up in that environment, and that is the way she is.

3. She would attempt to humiliate you whether you were there or not. She may be the type of person who is wanting to be taken down, and looking for someone strong enough to treat her like she believes she deserves. She may have been abused, and is looking for the abuser, to complete the pattern. She may think only they will treat her like she really deserves. She thinks secretly that she is bad and is needing to be stopped. This is theory - but once when I became obsessed with an abusive person it was because I thought he really 'got' me. I didn't pick fights, I was a begger for attention and affirmation, but the reason for seeking someone who belittles us varies.

4. She may have been using you this last time, to make the next man unsettled, so she can control him better. She may have been trying to show him she didn't need him - and you were the fall back guy. Poor him, now he is the new challenge. She will probably continue to challenge men until she finds one she cannot handle, then stay or leave.

It is possible that she may only feel safe with a man she can completely control, and only love a man she cannot.

Please understand, I don't think she is calculating her actions necessarily. She may just be going on instinct, and it seems mean and self serving, but actually she may just be following some emotional pattern written into her that she wants to better comprehend. Looking for her right 'fit'. She isn't being mean on purpose - but just struggling through her emotions. She sounds like she needs to be avoiding relationships and focusing on counseling at this time.

One thing is for sure. She is incapable of loving at this time in her development. It isn't you. It never was, and even with your faults and imperfections - there was nothing in the world you could have done to have a different outcome at this time.

Remember, all we have is a glimpse of a story, and we use our own experiences to paint the picture.
Best of luck to you.

I have BPD, BP, GAD, BED if you wondered. Someone please elaborate - what is NON?

Edit addition: I was sharing what I wrote here with my husband, and decided to add something more. Before him, I always looked for intense emotions that could help me stew in my pattern of unemotional men. Men who would be critical and distant from me were who I sought. Never again. Now that I am better, and have found a person who sees the funny in life, I would say to everyone - find the person who can make you laugh. You sound like a nice fellow, don't get too caught up in what some chick said. Ask yourself why you dated her in the first place. Were there signs that she was teasingly critical and did you like it? What was the behavior in her that reeled you in? And, since she was BPD, she had the potential of being a chameleon. But what you can learn, are the traits that you do like, and seek them. And my advice, find someone who sees the funny in the world. <3

I dated her because I saw the good in her, as I do in many people, because I trained my mind to be naturally positive and optimistic - in most situations this makes a happy person.

We were very similar in a lot of ways, both loved adventure, laughed and joked about the same stupid things, were both very smart, and she could keep up with me, and sometimes even outdo my thinking, which challenged me to make myself better.

I don't just look at things in terms of things that are pleasurable or comfortable. If something is uncomfortable, but I can see learning/growth value in it, I will often embrace it and actively seek to learn from it.

After I read up, I think she was mirroring me, but could only mirror my personality traits, not my way of managing emotions, or mutual respect I give people.

After it ended, when I reflected, she brought out my worst issues, fears, and insecurities, and I was forced to confront them, so I found value in the experience.

Even though the relationship didn't work, it gave me what I needed to face myself and grow past a lot of things I'd been able to avoid.

I have always felt really anxious when people I'm close to behave in weird ways or in ways I don't agree with. It triggers some sort of abnormal defense mechanism in me, as if I'd just been verbally attacked. I then become critical to "protect myself" from experiencing hurt and sadness by replacing those emotions with anger. In that moment, the anger is much easier to deal with. And similar to what Anrea said, as a child I was raised to be a perfectionist.

I was treated very critically. Everything I said or did was judged. I don't mean harm when I become critical of other people. It's all I ever knew. When I lose control of myself, I feel more awful than I can put into words. I apologize each and every time but my behavior makes me feel even hell would reject me, so why should anyone else forgive me? My BPD manifests itself in an either very aggressive manner, or a very fearful manner (where I am willing to comply to absolutely anything so long as it means being accepted and loved by others).

It's extremely difficult to explain this to people who have seen only one of those sides of me. I can't speak for your ex but this has always been the case for me, and I can guarantee I have no ill will towards a single human being on this planet, (including my abusers) at the end of the day.

I guess I can relate to a lot of that. My situation was unique in my mom has a lot of BPD traits, made me feel insecure, worthless ("why would anyone want to be around someone who behaves like you?" etc.)

I was always walking on eggshells, trying to be good enough, fighting back with anger just so I let ppl know they couldn't push me around, and I would defend myself.

But when I was still young my dad got me involved in meditation and mindfulness that taught me how to release strong emotions and detach and observe my thoughts without reacting, which I think offset me. I can relate to what you're saying perfectly.

I can deal with criticism, opinions, and judgement. I've gotten it all my life. my brother, myself, and my dad are all uncommonly patient compared to most people I meet, which I don't think is a coincidence.

I can talk through emotions, listen to someone, and hear everything they'll tell me so I understand why they're doing what they do, and can deal with it the best way possible.

The only thing I couldn't deal with in her was when I would try to talk, ask questions, she would answer me, she'd make promises, and I'd constantly find out she lied/wouldn't keep promises, until eventually there was no other way than to stop talking.

And that's very understandable. Compulsive lying is a whole different issue in itself, especially since she seemed to have been doing so for self gain (like stealing). Sorry your relationship turned so sour in the end

"I was curious because my mom has traits of BPD, my ex did, but different. Most people with BPD I found just need respect to know you're making an effort to be honest and appreciate them, they're actually some of the most empathetic people I've ever met."

Thank you for this, thank you, thank you!