[Pastel Kitten]

Yesterday and the beginning of today have been very rough for me. I became extremely suicidal again, was hurting myself, and wasn't sure when I'd return to normal. I dreaded going to my appointment today because my therapist up until this point made me feel very anxious and judged for various reasons I posted about before. Today she told me some pleasantly surprising things that lifted my mood, however.

Most of the session was me ranting instead of our usual going over DBT material. I said everything that was on my mind, which I usually held back from her since she intimidated me. I really didn't care at this point because of how suicidal I was and was about to go home feeling practically the same until she told me that I've inspired her to learn more about BPD! I was shocked. She seemed so against BPD at first, but I guess I misunderstood her when she initially told me she disliked this diagnosis. She explained that she dislikes the fact many people are diagnosed with it simply for being difficult patients, when they often don't even have BPD. It's obvious to her that I really do have it and is willing to increase her knowledge in order to pull me out of these frequent suicidal mindsets.

She told me that I've so far shown a lot more will power than her other BPD patients and that she's proud of me. She said I've personally touched her and that it's proof I do have a reason for being here (since I was saying how there's no reason I've been put on this earth, that I'm a mistake etc). It really lifted my spirits, knowing other BPD patients of hers will likely receive better treatment from her now that she's willing to look even further into BPD! That sure counters my initial view of her. I was quick to judge, but I had been warned of the stigma surrounding this diagnosis long before, so I only assumed she was one of those therapists with a very negative view towards the disorder.

I'm glad that she is aware it's as biological of a disorder as bipolar, schizophrenia, etc. and is aware of its severity. She made me feel validated and more motivated to continue my homework. Overall, this is probably one of the best therapy appointments I've ever had, because normally they don't change my mood much.