[Gdorfus]

I have been in therapy, off and on, since I was misdiagnosed bipolar at age 9. Been through all the meds and different therapists as my family moved around.

I feel like I am drained of talking. I want the therapist to look over my history and just sum me up in this way - therapists do not want to do this, they want the exact opposite! They want you to describe, in your own words, why you're here and what's going on. An open session.

This is dreadful for me because I don't have any words to say. I could robotically repeat parts of my history, but which parts? There are a million incidents and facts about my private life I could begin with. I choke on words. I go back and forth, saying one thing and discovering that I disagree with it and taking it back.

Every time I meet a new therapist, I feel like I need to justify my being in their office. This open conversation feels more like a job interview. I see my DBT therapist for the second time tomorrow. Maybe I will tell him those words exactly. I have to say something!

Our first session was me going "uhhh", and he basically asked me questions like "Do you feel like you wear a mask around others in a crowd, or are you off to the side?" - "I wear a mask."

I actually don't wear a mask, I've off to the side, but this didn't occur to me until I got home. I cannot handle the pressure of speaking to someone who only has an hour to understand me each week. I'm trying to find a way to sum up who I am in a tiny space of time and it's absurd and impossible. You know more about me in this post than my therapist did in one hour.

What's going on, and can you relate?

[Unrigged64072835]

It's hard to sum up a lifetime worth of pain in one hour. Maybe write out the important things and take them to the next appt.? That way you're not having to do things on the fly.

[mindwrench]

I can relate. I met a new T this morning. I had prepared notes which I gave him, as I was half way into a panic attack when he got me from the waiting room and I couldn't articulate at first. He read some of them, and skimmed the rest and handed it back and told me things I already knew, but did have a few new observations. I feel like he has no idea who I am or whats going and I waited 3 weeks to see him. It is discouraging to think about having only an hour every week or two, I really want a T I could talk to till I've said it all, even if it took 12 hours strait, but 3-4 months will have to do I guess. Assuming he snaps out of the Ben Stein mode and can keep up with my maniacal jabbering.

[Gdorfus]

Originally Posted by Fharraige

It's hard to sum up a lifetime worth of pain in one hour. Maybe write out the important things and take them to the next appt.? That way you're not having to do things on the fly.

Yes, I've started writing very short notes as reminders, it was a good idea.

Originally Posted by mindwrench

I can relate. I met a new T this morning. I had prepared notes which I gave him, as I was half way into a panic attack when he got me from the waiting room and I couldn't articulate at first. He read some of them, and skimmed the rest and handed it back and told me things I already knew, but did have a few new observations. I feel like he has no idea who I am or whats going and I waited 3 weeks to see him. It is discouraging to think about having only an hour every week or two, I really want a T I could talk to till I've said it all, even if it took 12 hours strait, but 3-4 months will have to do I guess. Assuming he snaps out of the Ben Stein mode and can keep up with my maniacal jabbering.

This is where I am. It is very discouraging, and I have almost no hope any longer. I feel already prepared to walk in tomorrow "knowing" how it will play out.

After getting my own written thoughts handed back to me over and over again by therapists, I am too discouraged to try and write about myself anymore. It's humiliating and rejecting. Trying to reach somebody the only way you feel you can, and having them put your heart back in your hands after skimming it over in a minute or less.

Waiting a week or more to see somebody, and having it go no where, over and over again. At some point, with every therapist, I know they are just not interested in me, that I'm just another client.

I think that the hell of BPD is wanting somebody to know you so badly, wanting to know the you - the real you - acknowledged. Instead, therapy seems focused on problem solving and coping strategies, but what I really need first is acceptance.

When a therapist does listen, they nod their heads. I don't know what I want from these people, but I guess it's asking for too much. I always leave a therapy session distraught and suicidal beyond anything I feel in an ordinary week and that seems screwed up.

[Pastel Kitten]

I'm a bit weird when it comes to opening up in therapy. I go from being very vague to suddenly being too open, talking too quickly and going off on tangents that often don't have anything to do with our current topic. They typically consist of me recalling and describing abusive or difficult times in my life while laughing or smiling, out of nervousness. I start thinking "great, there goes 25% of our session and not much has been accomplished." I don't particularly get anything out of these tangents I go off on...and I end up straying from discussing my DBT homework with her. By the time it occurs to me that I should probably discuss it, therapy's about over for the day. I completely understand what you mean about desiring acceptance first and foremost. I try very hard to get her to understand and accept me. I've also noticed I tend to either put on an over-the-top positive guise for her, or I do the complete opposite and put 0 effort into being cheerful, if I'm feeling awful. After the sessions in which I put the happy guise on, I feel so annoyed at myself, like I'm not quite portraying the full severity of my problems.

[Gdorfus]

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

I'm a bit weird when it comes to opening up in therapy. I go from being very vague to suddenly being too open, talking too quickly and going off on tangents that often don't have anything to do with our current topic. They typically consist of me recalling and describing abusive or difficult times in my life while laughing or smiling, out of nervousness. I start thinking "great, there goes 25% of our session and not much has been accomplished." I don't particularly get anything out of these tangents I go off on...and I end up straying from discussing my DBT homework with her. By the time it occurs to me that I should probably discuss it, therapy's about over for the day. I completely understand what you mean about desiring acceptance first and foremost. I try very hard to get her to understand and accept me. I've also noticed I tend to either put on an over-the-top positive guise for her, or I do the complete opposite and put 0 effort into being cheerful, if I'm feeling awful. After the sessions in which I put the happy guise on, I feel so annoyed at myself, like I'm not quite portraying the full severity of my problems.

I can identify with you so very much. I have especially had a hard time with the smiling/laughing. I will be talking about something deadly serious/harmful/traumatic, and giggle. It's horrible, I even FEEL giggly, but I do not wish for it.

Happens a lot when I desperately want to tell the truth and be believed, I automatically laugh, smile, or giggle. Or I can't erase a grin off my face. What I get out of it is that growing up I really wasn't trusted, and in a weird cycle of behavior, I now laugh out of nervousness for predicting that no one will believe me, leading to people not believing me...

I remember trying to talk about my prescription drug abuse with one therapist, who told me that he "knows what addicts look like" and smiled at my smile like we were playing a game, but we needed to get back on track. So I just gave-the-****-up right there.

I have a enthusiastic, draw-you-in guise too. When I'm comfortable with a therapist, that naturally comes out, I really want to amuse and please them. I have a small knack for "reading" into people's personalities and knowing what makes them tick - in a good way. I can play off their own sense of humor and keep them interested in me. It's all attention, in the end.

And about being the complete opposite - flat, expressionless, hopeless, slouching in the seat saying nothing unless spoken to.

Therapy is so hard. There are so many insights we have into our own behavior, so many counter-productive behaviors that are both conscious and unconscious. It is truly a mess. I feel like at every moment, I live in THIS moment, and I NEED what I need RIGHT NOW. How I behave, how I speak, how I live in my head. I react, I don't think. I don't plan. I don't manipulate for attention, I just NEED that attention (reassurance, acknowledgment, likeability), etc.

Well, talking with all of you has been therapeutic in itself, so thank you.

(I take 200mg of lamictal, too!)

[Pastel Kitten]

Originally Posted by Gdorfus

I can identify with you so very much. I have especially had a hard time with the smiling/laughing. I will be talking about something deadly serious/harmful/traumatic, and giggle. It's horrible, I even FEEL giggly, but I do not wish for it.

Happens a lot when I desperately want to tell the truth and be believed, I automatically laugh, smile, or giggle. Or I can't erase a grin off my face. What I get out of it is that growing up I really wasn't trusted, and in a weird cycle of behavior, I now laugh out of nervousness for predicting that no one will believe me, leading to people not believing me...

I remember trying to talk about my prescription drug abuse with one therapist, who told me that he "knows what addicts look like" and smiled at my smile like we were playing a game, but we needed to get back on track. So I just gave-the-****-up right there.

I have a enthusiastic, draw-you-in guise too. When I'm comfortable with a therapist, that naturally comes out, I really want to amuse and please them. I have a small knack for "reading" into people's personalities and knowing what makes them tick - in a good way. I can play off their own sense of humor and keep them interested in me. It's all attention, in the end.

And about being the complete opposite - flat, expressionless, hopeless, slouching in the seat saying nothing unless spoken to.

Therapy is so hard. There are so many insights we have into our own behavior, so many counter-productive behaviors that are both conscious and unconscious. It is truly a mess. I feel like at every moment, I live in THIS moment, and I NEED what I need RIGHT NOW. How I behave, how I speak, how I live in my head. I react, I don't think. I don't plan. I don't manipulate for attention, I just NEED that attention (reassurance, acknowledgment, likeability), etc.

Well, talking with all of you has been therapeutic in itself, so thank you.

(I take 200mg of lamictal, too!)

Wow, I relate to you SO much. This sums up pretty much every single therapy session I have and yes it's so frustrating!! I currently have no insurance either, so on top of feeling like I'm getting off track, I feel like I'm wasting money. I know it's about getting better and I'm doing my best, but it's not cheap, even with sliding scale since I have no income.

I feel like I become the equivalent of "teacher's pet" with my therapists. You're right - I just want them to like me, and I want to entertain them so that I get reassurance and acceptance. How does one change this? Like you, I default to laughter and smiles around the darkest of topics and can't seem to shake it. The last thing I want is to feel rejected by my therapist...but I don't want to make it seem like I'm not as emotionally crippled as I really am I need help, badly, and I don't want to be seen as "okay" during the times I'm feeling FAR less than okay.

In fact, last therapy session my therapist told me I seemed like I was doing great. Yes I was having a decent day, but I felt she got the impression that most of my days that week had been great, despite the fact I had once again self-medicated with alcohol during a night I almost had to go to a hospital (she was the one who suggested it because of what I was texting her). Ugh!

Wow haha, same dosage too. I'm seeing a new psychiatrist on the 30th and I honestly wonder if I need a dosage change or another med added on top of lamictal. Med changes have always been scary for me because of past experiences with side effects, but I'm wishing for the best!

[Gdorfus]

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

Wow, I relate to you SO much. This sums up pretty much every single therapy session I have and yes it's so frustrating!! I currently have no insurance either, so on top of feeling like I'm getting off track, I feel like I'm wasting money. I know it's about getting better and I'm doing my best, but it's not cheap, even with sliding scale since I have no income.

I feel like I become the equivalent of "teacher's pet" with my therapists. You're right - I just want them to like me, and I want to entertain them so that I get reassurance and acceptance. How does one change this? Like you, I default to laughter and smiles around the darkest of topics and can't seem to shake it. The last thing I want is to feel rejected by my therapist...but I don't want to make it seem like I'm not as emotionally crippled as I really am I need help, badly, and I don't want to be seen as "okay" during the times I'm feeling FAR less than okay.

In fact, last therapy session my therapist told me I seemed like I was doing great. Yes I was having a decent day, but I felt she got the impression that most of my days that week had been great, despite the fact I had once again self-medicated with alcohol during a night I almost had to go to a hospital (she was the one who suggested it because of what I was texting her). Ugh!

Wow haha, same dosage too. I'm seeing a new psychiatrist on the 30th and I honestly wonder if I need a dosage change or another med added on top of lamictal. Med changes have always been scary for me because of past experiences with side effects, but I'm wishing for the best!

I wish you the best on the 30th. Seeing a new psychiatrist is always exciting and daunting for me. Will he understand? Does he read my records? Do I have to recite my life history before he will prescribe something I need, and am I able to speak clearly enough of myself? Everything is resting on how well I can express myself and my needs. It's stressful! I sometimes hold back with psychiatrists and try to play dumb in a way, like I don't know "too much", like I'm a sad puppy that needs a pat on the head and a prescription out the door. If I am too insightful, will he help me? Thoughts like this lead me to not be wholly myself to anyone that is trying to help me.

The "you seem to be doing much better", coming from a Psych or a Therapist, is crushing for me, too. Yes, in this hour and in this day I am doing good. In a few hours, I might go home and fall to pieces, and they won't be there to see how bad I am doing. How I bounce between the poles of light and dark at the twitch of an emotion. I usually hold myself in one pole during one session, like you.

I wonder if the "you're doing much better"s, are their way of trying to make us feel good about ourselves, like if they say it, we might see things a little brighter. Well meaning words that really drive a wedge between us and the therapist, because we feel even more misunderstood than ever. How can they possibly think you're okay after you had a crisis and almost went to the ER? A freaking cycle of miscommunication and years of sessions going no where! Except to comfort us in the moment and keep us from harming or dying.

If I am dark, I will sulk and turn down every single piece of advice or suggestion - NOTHING will console me. (It must frustrate the **** out of them.) In a way, I want them to see me like this. I want to be a brickwall they can't reach, because that's how I feel when I face my own self. I want them to know that I'm a hard block of Not Okay.

If I am playful and charming -- Teacher's Pet -- I want everything you wrote above, just like that. If I'm too needy, too sulky, I'll grate on their nerves. I am hyper aware of their reactions and I analyze every insight I can gather from their reactions. Sometimes this leads to dwelling on TINY things I said and wondering if the therapist now misunderstands me. I'll want to call and say "Remember when I said X? That wasn't true..." Wanting to be accepted and understood so bad.

I think sometimes that I have never healed, or succeeded in therapy, because I use therapists and psychiatrists as very temporary "friends". I have no intention of trying to get better, I don't believe in it, I just want somebody to be there with me. My ideal therapist-relationship would be somebody who just cared enough to let me into their office once a week to be the one who listened and consoled without conditions. It's unacceptable to most because what they want is for you to get better. They're goal is for you to stop coming into their office and be off on your own.

I suppose a lot of the criteria for BPD play into this behavior - fear of abandonment especially. Fear of rejection - needing to be the teacher's pet.

I think I would be whole if I could be my own therapist in my heart. If I could love myself. I think that is the core of BPD - we didn't feel love, we turned on ourselves, we can't even soothe ourselves without destroying our lives in the process. If we loved ourselves, wholly and without the need for anyone else's thought or input, we would be free.

I write so much, I know. It's okay, talking with you just makes me feel like I'm in the right place, talking to somebody who knows the pain and confusion of BPD so I spill it all out. It is really great to just read your experiences in therapy and psychiatry, as painful as they have been for you. Because I have been there, and I am there, and I feel hopeless. I feel hope that something will come through. I feel both. I'm still alive because I'm holding out, but I'm never okay - I think that is what I would want every therapist/psychiatrist to know about me.

I think a lot of us with BPD want our therapists to be the caretaker we never had, we search for a parent figure, or a friend, or a "soul mate" type relationship, platonic.

[Pastel Kitten]

Originally Posted by Gdorfus

I wish you the best on the 30th. Seeing a new psychiatrist is always exciting and daunting for me. Will he understand? Does he read my records? Do I have to recite my life history before he will prescribe something I need, and am I able to speak clearly enough of myself? Everything is resting on how well I can express myself and my needs. It's stressful! I sometimes hold back with psychiatrists and try to play dumb in a way, like I don't know "too much", like I'm a sad puppy that needs a pat on the head and a prescription out the door. If I am too insightful, will he help me? Thoughts like this lead me to not be wholly myself to anyone that is trying to help me.

The "you seem to be doing much better", coming from a Psych or a Therapist, is crushing for me, too. Yes, in this hour and in this day I am doing good. In a few hours, I might go home and fall to pieces, and they won't be there to see how bad I am doing. How I bounce between the poles of light and dark at the twitch of an emotion. I usually hold myself in one pole during one session, like you.

I wonder if the "you're doing much better"s, are their way of trying to make us feel good about ourselves, like if they say it, we might see things a little brighter. Well meaning words that really drive a wedge between us and the therapist, because we feel even more misunderstood than ever. How can they possibly think you're okay after you had a crisis and almost went to the ER? A freaking cycle of miscommunication and years of sessions going no where! Except to comfort us in the moment and keep us from harming or dying.

If I am dark, I will sulk and turn down every single piece of advice or suggestion - NOTHING will console me. (It must frustrate the **** out of them.) In a way, I want them to see me like this. I want to be a brickwall they can't reach, because that's how I feel when I face my own self. I want them to know that I'm a hard block of Not Okay.

If I am playful and charming -- Teacher's Pet -- I want everything you wrote above, just like that. If I'm too needy, too sulky, I'll grate on their nerves. I am hyper aware of their reactions and I analyze every insight I can gather from their reactions. Sometimes this leads to dwelling on TINY things I said and wondering if the therapist now misunderstands me. I'll want to call and say "Remember when I said X? That wasn't true..." Wanting to be accepted and understood so bad.

I think sometimes that I have never healed, or succeeded in therapy, because I use therapists and psychiatrists as very temporary "friends". I have no intention of trying to get better, I don't believe in it, I just want somebody to be there with me. My ideal therapist-relationship would be somebody who just cared enough to let me into their office once a week to be the one who listened and consoled without conditions. It's unacceptable to most because what they want is for you to get better. They're goal is for you to stop coming into their office and be off on your own.

I suppose a lot of the criteria for BPD play into this behavior - fear of abandonment especially. Fear of rejection - needing to be the teacher's pet.

I think I would be whole if I could be my own therapist in my heart. If I could love myself. I think that is the core of BPD - we didn't feel love, we turned on ourselves, we can't even soothe ourselves without destroying our lives in the process. If we loved ourselves, wholly and without the need for anyone else's thought or input, we would be free.

I write so much, I know. It's okay, talking with you just makes me feel like I'm in the right place, talking to somebody who knows the pain and confusion of BPD so I spill it all out. It is really great to just read your experiences in therapy and psychiatry, as painful as they have been for you. Because I have been there, and I am there, and I feel hopeless. I feel hope that something will come through. I feel both. I'm still alive because I'm holding out, but I'm never okay - I think that is what I would want every therapist/psychiatrist to know about me.

I think a lot of us with BPD want our therapists to be the caretaker we never had, we search for a parent figure, or a friend, or a "soul mate" type relationship, platonic.

Haha I actually recall a dream of meeting with my psychiatrist already, last night. It's been on my mind a lot because as you said, wording and expression are pretty important around them. I don't want to be prescribed meds I don't think I need based off of something I said that may not be entirely accurate due to the difficulty of expressing exactly what's happening in your head. But if I were to reject the med, I'd be classified as "non-compliant." And YES! If you're too insightful, it seems they get the impression you're not in as much need of help. It's so ********! Is it so wrong for us to research as much about ourselves/look into ourselves as much as possible in order to help ourselves and gain better understanding? Isn't that what the point of therapy is....?

Exactly! The day can begin alright, and end in a total nightmare. There is no telling when my mood will go to utter ****. Hearing "you seem to be doing better" scares me into thinking "great, will my therapy sessions come to an end now that I'm seen as "better"? will there be no one left to guide me?"

Isn't it funny how that works? We want people to see the full extent of our negativity, grim outlook on life, and our feelings of utter hopelessness, in order to be accepted. If they can't accept us at our worst, how can they accept us when we're at our "best?" It's not the full scope of who we are. Sometimes though, I do find myself throwing in little charms here and there to "lighten" the mood for her, even during sessions I've been primarily dark. It's not that I feel better, it's that I'm afraid she's going to stop liking me the more I continue being negative.

For example, a few sessions ago I told her about how devastated I feel about the fact I've always had a very shaky and unstable sense of self...no solid identity. Near the end of the session she told me "you're not a blank slate, or a whiteboard. you have an identity." I told her "You're right. I'm a blackboard because my soul is the color of ashes." She started laughing and saying what a great sense of humor I have. Being complimented, I naturally wanted to keep entertaining her so I threw in a few more jokes about how I'd become the world's darkest poet. What did this accomplish? Pretty much nothing, other than giving another false impression of not really being all that bad. What a tricky defense mechanism, huh.

I do try to get better but I often feel very hopeless about making long-term progress. There were plenty of times even outside of therapy in which I believed I was finally "getting better" only to have a major relapse again. What's to stop that from happening again? Even so, I try my best. It's true that when I go in for therapy, I'm going in expecting consolation and reassurance primarily. Someone to talk to face to face. I have so little of that in the real world. The only person in real life I speak to about these things is my boyfriend. I'm devastated when that one hour session has come to an end and I must go back home to my everyday life of unpredictability. Like you wrote before, an hour is nowhere near enough time to say all I've wanted to say...express everything I've wanted to express. I want to project my thoughts directly into her mind. Why does such technology not exist yet, lol.

I agree with you fully, that if we were able to fully love ourselves, we'd be free. It's so hard to love yourself when you weren't shown enough love. They make it sound so easy. "Stop being so hard on yourself!" How? Even if I don't SAY it, I still feel it. I still think it.

Don't worry about writing too much! Isn't that what these forums are for? A place we can let loose and fully express ourselves without fearing being judged or ridiculed. You've worded everything so perfectly and I just can't agree more! It's great not feeling so alone in these struggles.

[TishaBuv]

I think those are leading questions. To ask "do you feel like you are wearing a mask, or are off to the side'... I don't like that. You're supposed to tell the t you think that, not be given a multiple choice.