[goodluckguessing14]

Hello all,
I just joined this forum to seek out others who can relate to my situation somewhat (although I know everyone has their individual differences). I've done extensive reading into the symptoms of the different psychological conditions and feel that a lot of my symptoms overlap with sociopath, borderline personality disorder, and bipolar disorder. I would consider myself a highly functioning individual, and have been tested with an IQ score of 145. I'm 22 years old and and work as an accountant, and am doing my master's and my CPA. This is not a boast, but rather a bit of a background to my functionality, even though I feel like I'm mentally slipping and losing control of myself and there's no clear solution in sight, but I have not been diagnosed by a professional. I'm seeking help, but it's hard to schedule appointments with a therapist frequently as their schedules are mostly full. I take a cocktail of medications and ****, but nothing seems to really work entirely, although they do help (lamictal, valium, gabapentin, trazadone for sleep, and I finally got to the point where I said screw it, and started the SSRI zoloft and am about two weeks in). I hate SSRI's with a passion but at this point i'm desperate, and refuse to touch anti psychotic medications because of the short term and long term side effects.

To start, my biggest problem is anxiety. I would say I have generalized anxiety disorder, but my biggest anxiety comes in social situations--not knowing what to say, trying to plan my actions and responses ahead of time to try to fit in and be accepted, especially in a professional environment in workplace. I'm not sure if my anxiety stems from just trying to fit in and being worried about others perceptions, or from something else, but social anxiety is my most intense feeling.

I know I'm different from everyone else and try my best to hide my real self from showing. In my line of work, it would be unacceptable to act on the thoughts consuming my head. I experience pretty intense paranoia--I'm always very aware of my surrounding and plan A to Z three times over for every situation, and experience bouts of mania with elevated mood or extreme agitation and aggression in which I have to hold in, but I have a deep seated rage at my core and have no issues destroying anyone who gets in my way--in a passive aggressive way (i'm not physically violent). Such an example would be the way I feel towards my condescending boss. He always tries to make me feel stupid whenever I ask him a question, and I know he talks crap about me to the other people in my department and my life hell at work. I'm strategically waiting, planning, and waiting for the opportunity to present itself so that I can burn him to the f*****g ground, in a passive way (I'm just explaining some of the thought process). I don't really have patience for stupid people, or those that come off dismissive (such as girls with massive egos). I'm actually very good with girls and less anxious with them when i'm going on dates and such, and have very good success at making impressions and them wanting to go on second dates. The problem is that I usually just push them away, but I really don't care at the same time. I'm able to contain my rage in the workplace and (mostly) when I need to, but there's times where I just explode, and have punched a cement wall until my knuckles were black and blue, and bleeding, until the adrenaline wore off and the pain feeling began to come back.

I'm also extremely good at reading other people--from their body language, to their tone, but most importantly, the diction (word choice) they use in order to read them. I essentially have no friends because i've pushed any connections i've made away, usually through blowing up at them in a fit of rage. It's hard to describe the way I feel about friendships. It's like I feel lonely and times and want someone to talk to, so i'll reach out to some people to see how they're doing or to make plans, but then when they respond or agree to making plans, I really have no interest in actually following through with the plans, or their responses as to what's going on their life. The only people I really care about is myself, and my family if I am being quite honest. I would say that I experience love as I do love all of my family members and am close with them, but that I really don't care much about others outside of that circle of people, and generally when I don't like someone--they'll 100% know.

I feel I exhibit a lot of sociopathic traits but I also experience depression, usually in short intervals which I know is generally uncommon to that classification. I also always must have something to work at. I NEED a challenge, or I feel bored and discontent with my life. I like taking risks, I love a good challenge in anything I do, and I don't really have a 50%, half *** effort in anything I do. I'm 0% or 100% all in at whatever I do.

I see the world from a cynical point of view. Everyone lies, cheats or steals when the opportunity presents themselves and I see people as only really caring about themselves and what best suits them (I mean people won't even let you switch lanes in traffic--they'll speed up and block you out instead of letting you get ahead of them).

The purpose of me explaining all of this is to try to give you guys a better understanding of where i'm comming from. Again, I know I have issues, I can admit that and am seeking help, but I need to get a better understanding of the root of my personality disorder, which is why I joined this forum and spent so much time making this post. For those of you who did read through all of this, thank you.

I just want to find someone, or people who can relate to my situation, or feel what I feel. I feel like i'm going nuts, and need to correct it before I slip.

[Skeezyks]

Hello ggodluckguessing14: Welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

What is your opinion about the recent bombing?

[goodluckguessing14]

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

What is your opinion about the recent bombing?

I think it's tragic. Any attack on our country is tragic, and I hope the people who caused the bombing are found and have a slow painful death. They don't deserve the luxury of sitting in a cell with a bed, getting free meals off tax payer money. No, I hope karma comes full circle and eats them alive.

[Atypical_Disaster]

I can relate to quite a bit of this post. I can especially relate to your rage and your Machiavellian outlook on humanity.

We'll talk. Regards.