My 3 1/2 year online friendship with a woman ended almost 2 weeks ago. We both met in Myspace and had been emailing each other. No calls or texts and we never met in person at all. To this day, I never knew her last name, where exactly she lived or what she did for a living. In the beginning our emails were normal to flirty/ very explicit. We had alot in common, were both lonely and struggled with our daily lives. I did notice she would get upset over small things but I thought nothing of it and maybe she had some bad days. Other times, she showed kindness. One time, an elderly gentleman was on the subway with her and she offered him her seat. We had a total of 4 arguments during the 2nd to 3rd year of our friendship. I'm ashamed to admit it but I started all of them. 3 of them I initiated contact and apologized. I tried to set boundaries when we didn't speak however I caved and my codependency got the best of me. Whenever we argued, we never called each other any names.

What concerned me the most about her was after our 2nd argument, she started to complain more often, throw tantrums about a lot of things in her life, her family, her co-workers, admitting to yelling and arguing with strangers on the street (she even said one time while shopping she was close to cutting a lady at a store with a knife in her purse if she pushed her too far). She also complained about getting up early and going to work. It was draining but I tried to be as supportive as much as possible. Other times, our conversations were relaxing and mellow. During this period is when I started my codependency.

Alot of things happened in her in the beginning of this year, (pet died, more family problems and job problems). I tried to be stable for her. Unfortunately, I couldn't. My personal life wasn't great and started to get worse (parents separated, had a family member in the hospital, lost my job) and I suffered a nervous breakdown. My behavior was erratic and not normal for me during that time. She told me she was getting uncomfortable with me...It hurt and I understood so we didn't talk for almost a month. I started taking an antidepressant after my breakdown. After I apologized for my behavior, she informed me she disliked me throwing tantrums, complaining and my behavior made her uncomfortable. I was still recovering from my breakdown so instead of explaining and standing up for myself, I didn't say anything and tried to keep the peace between us. That's when things started to get worse.

She went ghost on me for 2 weeks. I kept messaging her because I was worried. Radio silence on her end. She finally responded. She was cheerful and said she had been seeing a guy she only knew a week and a half. She told me the gritty details about what they did. Still recovering from my breakdown I said I was glad she found happiness. She told me she wasn't in a relationship but she had needs and it was no-strings-attached. Another week goes by and again, she went out with this guy and tells me more gritty details. I didn't say anything. A few days went by, I finally had the courage to ask her why she is doing this, why didn't she acknowledge my feelings and what is really going in her personal life. She confessed saying her life is wrong, her family treats her badly, she's suffered from extreme loneliness and the guy she messed around with hasn't texted to her much and she started to fall for him but was fighting it. I tried to be supportive and accepted her flaws and all. Foolishly, I said that she may be suffering from BPD. She got angry, rightfully so. I shuldn't have said that. I apologized and tried to maintain contact with her and I tried to be supportive of her, accepted her flaws and that I cared about her, however, I couldn't handle what was going on in her life and mine. I suggested it would be a good idea for both of us to take a break from each other.

The break didn't last long. Only 40 days. My emotions acted up. I got so upset and initiated contact. We had a heated argument and I told her what has been bothering me all these past few months. I said that I felt used throughout the entire friendship, it didn't feel like a friendship and that it was one-sided. She retaliated and got defensive. She blamed me for not being a true friend (she's absolutely right about that) and said she told me all that because that what friends are for, to tell each other everything. She said what I told her doesn't make me right or blameless and she didn't do anything wrong and that and I needed to face reality. She brought up my erratic behavior from my breakdown and said she doesn't trust me anymore after that. She was still angry because I thought she may be mentally ill. She said she had enough of me and didn't wanna talk to me or be friends anymore. She also said the way I am would make people not want to be around me. It hurt but she was right. She ended the friendship and told me farewell. I emailed back and said that I wasn't afraid to lose her anymore and asked if we were just friends, why did we sent those explicit emails to each other in the beginning? I did apologize and took responsibility for my part of the friendship ending but she responded only saying not to message her anymore.

The past few days, I've been splitting her and feeling the effects of the friendship ending. I do blame myself for having no control over my emotions, not being supportive or stable enough. I shouldn't have diagnosed her since I'm not a doctor and as I've never met her in person however I feel deep down she may have BPD. I want to respect her wishes and stay NC. I don't want to upset/ push her away more. I've been trying move on with my life, work and focus on myself to be better. I'm also prepared that she she may never reach out to me or never return again. I'll be honest I've been thinking about her alot and feel extremely bad for not being good to her, I do take responsibility for my actions and admit I was wrong. I've been trying to let go but it's been hard because I was so close to her. My question is, will she come back/ initiate contact with me after enough time has passed? I know not to expect it or have hope for it. I miss her a lot already and I do hate myself for our friendship ending. I didn't her my best and I would love to try again in the future. I feel deep down she is a good person with a good heart and soul despite how she was with me.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Lil Rocky: The Skeezyks does not know the answer to your question. On-line friendships are difficult to maintain... especially when there's a romantic element to them... which it sounds as though there was in this case. One never knows what's really going on, in real life, with the person one is in contact with. I think all you can do, at this point, is wait & see what happens... but continue to try to put it in the past so that, if it does not resume, you can move on contentedly.

Hi Skeezyks. Thanks for replying and for the advice. Yes, I agree. They're very hard to maintain. I did the best I could because with her, it was the longest friendship I had maintained. Others lasted only 1-2 years. I'm going to try to put the past in the past and move on. Like I mentioned earlier, I'm prepared that she may not come back to me.

It's been 2 weeks and I still can't stop thinking of her. I don't know why. Today I looked at one of her pictures and broke down.

Today has been exactly 3 weeks since the friendship ended. The past 3 days in the morning I've been thinking about her. Part of me still wants to contact her and let her know I still care about her. Another part of me is trying to resist temptation. I'm still in the middle of healing and coping. I've had friendships end and I did grieve but nothing like this. I read a few blogs that once a pwBPD ends a friendship/ relationship, they paint the person black. My new question is, is there a possibility that my ex friend might contact me if she is lonely or depressed? She gets extremely depressed around thanksgiving and X-Mas. I'm not counting on it or expecting it. If she does, will I be able to regain her trust?

[Fuzzybear]

4 weeks and still healing. It took me awhile to realize that this friendship/ not friendship was not healthy for me. I also realized I felt used and manipulated. I'm not sure if she knew it or not. I do miss and think about her alot still and part of me wants to contact her and maybe get some closure as to why things happen the way they did, however, I don't want to make things worse as she may still be angry with me. I'll wait it out and keep doing what I'm doing.

I'm sorry that I keep talking about this. Today I woke up overwhelmingly numb. Tomorrow it'll be a month since I last spoke to her. I'm close to breaking down and contacting her, wanting to apologize profusely and mend things between us. Trying to fight this but it's hard.

Well I did it. I emailed her and told her I wanted to resolve things between us. Now just waiting to see if she responds. I'm not going to get my hopes up.

Just wanted to check-in. I'm doing much better the past couple of days than how I was when I started this thread. I'm about 60% better and starting to feel like my old self again. Nothing from my friend so I guess this may be permanent.

[Unrigged64072835]

Glad to hear that you're doing better.

[hazn]

Originally Posted by Lil Rocky

Just wanted to check-in. I'm doing much better the past couple of days than how I was when I started this thread. I'm about 60% better and starting to feel like my old self again. Nothing from my friend so I guess this may be permanent.

Do not be surprised if you relapse; it is to be expected. And if you do, you're going to have to fight the urge to contact her. Remember, every time you're in contact with her (even if it's just a one way thing), you set yourself back. These things take time, but there are steps you can take to help ensure you don't stay trapped in this situation for longer than you have to.

If you do get stuck, please do post here so people can try get you back on track before things snowball.

[hazn]

Even if she contacts you (and, there's a good chance she will eventually), I would suggest not engaging. Why? Because neither of you are capable of having a healthy relationship at this point. The breakdown of the friendship isn't your fault, or her fault, it's both of your faults. But even if you did everything right and ignored the fact you are a person and that you have your own needs, I can guarantee it still would have ended badly. Because everything you have said suggested she isn't friend material.

Also, I hope you are working on your self-esteem and codependency to save yourself from getting into situations such as this again. I've gone through something similar (you can check out some of my old threads), so I know how difficult this kind of thing can be. But with hard work you can overcome it and become a better and stronger person.

If you take emotions out of this, I think you know this person is toxic for you.

Originally Posted by hazn

Do not be surprised if you relapse; it is to be expected. And if you do, you're going to have to fight the urge to contact her. Remember, every time you're in contact with her (even if it's just a one way thing), you set yourself back.

I know myself and yea I probably will relapse again. I've been trying to distract myself with other activities and trying not think about her.

Originally Posted by hazn

Even if she contacts you (and, there's a good chance she will eventually), I would suggest not engaging. Why? Because neither of you are capable of having a healthy relationship at this point.

I'm aware I wasn't mentally strong and wasn't able to sustain any relationship with anyone at the time and possibly now. I have a grasp that I may have BPD. I'm going to see a therapist about this when I can. I have a feeling she may contact me again as well.

Possible trigger:

She gets very lonely/depressed around the holidays, Thanksgiving/ Christmas. She drinks alot during that time as well and was suicidal at one time.

A big part of me doesn't want to engage because she was disrespectful to me during the final moments in our friendship. If she truly wants to be friends again, I would like for her to put some effort into it. I would always put effort in the past. I will as long as if she's willing to and if she admits she has some issues with herself (doubtful, I know) then I may re-engage with her but I'm not getting my hopes up.

Originally Posted by hazn

The breakdown of the friendship isn't your fault, or her fault, it's both of your faults.

This.^^ I even told her during our final argument that was the case. I took responsibility for my part of our friendship deteriorating while she denies any wrongdoing.

Originally Posted by hazn

But even if you did everything right and ignored the fact you are a person and that you have your own needs, I can guarantee it still would have ended badly. Because everything you have said suggested she isn't friend material.

Exactly. I thought maybe if I was trying too hard to be the perfect guy, things still would've ended the way it did. I knew something was off when I 1st started talking to her and around this time last year. She wasn't as supportive as I was. I ignored those red flags which was my fault. I showed compassion. I wanted to try and tough it out and would have gone in it for the long haul, whatever she was going through. I managed to make a breakthrough a few months ago.

However,

Possible trigger:

sometimes I wished I hadn't got so triggered by thinking about what she did during her casual encounters with that random guy. I should've just stopped talking to her once she started telling me all those gritty details and moved on but I was just so upset because she knew I had genuine feelings for her and I felt used.

Originally Posted by hazn

If you take emotions out of this, I think you know this person is toxic for you.

Yes, she was. I guess I thought I could help/save her but I couldn't.

Originally Posted by hazn

Also, I hope you are working on your self-esteem and codependency to save yourself from getting into situations such as this again. I've gone through something similar (you can check out some of my old threads), so I know how difficult this kind of thing can be. But with hard work you can overcome it and become a better and stronger person.

I am. I've been working out consistently for the last 3 months and feel better than I had in years. I have been talking to a few friends I lost touch with. I was about to fall into the same trap with one of them but I managed to disengage. I'll be sure to check out your older posts. Thank you for the advice. I really needed it and appreciate it.

[hazn]

I wouldn't rush to label yourself with BPD... I did the same thing with myself for various reasons, but it wasn't that. Yes, if you engage with toxic people/relationships you're going to display disordered traits... doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you. Yes, I'm sure there are things you need to work on (we all do), but I don't think labeling yourself like that helps at this point.

Consider skipping seeing a therapist and just concentrating on making positive changes in your life and seeing how things go. It'll take time and effort, but it's worth it.

[hazn]

I'd also suggest not labeling others as BPD, or some other disorder. Because guess what... there are plenty of people who are unpleasant but don't meet the criteria for a PD. We usually just call them arseholes.

Accept that she is the person that she is right now, and take emotions out of it. Do you want to engage with someone who is angry, suicidal, depressed, etc? If so, why?

And I'm sure there will be some who read this and don't approve of what I've just said, but think for yourself. Having that kind of person in your life can do you a lot of damage. It will have an impact on you, and I can tell you have some codependency issues already. Invite people into your life who you can have healthy relationships with, and keep dysfunction and drama out of your life. That is your right, and it's nothing to feel bad about. Of course that necessitates you remove the dysfunction and drama from within your self first, though.

Originally Posted by hazn

Consider skipping seeing a therapist and just concentrating on making positive changes in your life and seeing how things go. It'll take time and effort, but it's worth it.

I probably will do that.

Originally Posted by hazn

I'd also suggest not labeling others as BPD, or some other disorder. Because guess what... there are plenty of people who are unpleasant but don't meet the criteria for a PD. We usually just call them arseholes.

Well, I learned that the hard way. She got pretty PO'ed when I told her she may have BPD.

Originally Posted by hazn

Accept that she is the person that she is right now, and take emotions out of it. Do you want to engage with someone who is angry, suicidal, depressed, etc? If so, why?

I have accepted her as the person she is. As soon as I told her I had feelings for her that's when things started to go downhill. No, I don't want to engage with someone who's displays that type of behavior.

Originally Posted by hazn

And I'm sure there will be some who read this and don't approve of what I've just said, but think for yourself. Having that kind of person in your life can do you a lot of damage. It will have an impact on you, and I can tell you have some codependency issues already.

I'm aware I have codependency issues along with not establishing firm boundaries. Last fall, I told her that I will be busy with things and won't be able to message her for awhile. She was ok with it, but she kept on messaging me knowing I was busy anyway. My codependency kicked in, I felt bad and re-engaged with her. So basically I didn't backup my words. I admit to that as well. I already know that it did alot of damage. It's just that the 1st 2 years of our friendship went pretty good. Then our personal lives took a wrong turn and both of us showed each other the bad side of ourselves.

[hazn]

Yeah man, I can relate to a lot of what you've said. I've had to - and still am to a lesser extent - dealing with the same kinds of issues. I'm here if you ever want to talk about it.

Originally Posted by hazn

Yeah man, I can relate to a lot of what you've said. I've had to - and still am to a lesser extent - dealing with the same kinds of issues. I'm here if you ever want to talk about it.

Thanks, man I appreciate it alot.

[leomama]

It sounds to me like she was the one in the wrong, that she cheated on you. A relationship does not have to be physical to be intimate. I hear a lot of self blame in your post. I wouldn't be yourself up for telling her she has borderline traits. It takes the strength of a saint not to tell a person that, and if you have borderline yourself (not sure if you do) it makes it doubly hard especially if you've had treatment and know what borderline looks like.

Originally Posted by leomama

It sounds to me like she was the one in the wrong, that she cheated on you. A relationship does not have to be physical to be intimate. I hear a lot of self blame in your post. I wouldn't be yourself up for telling her she has borderline traits. It takes the strength of a saint not to tell a person that, and if you have borderline yourself (not sure if you do) it makes it doubly hard especially if you've had treatment and know what borderline looks like.

No, I haven't received treatment yet. I went online to look up what are the traits of BPD and her and I fit them. Like I said, I'm not a doctor and I shouldn't have diagnosed her but I was concerned for her well being. I do take some of the blame because I wasn't mentally strong enough for her. I did the best I could. I did feel cheated on because this felt like a relationship even thought she said we were friends.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Lil Rocky

No, I haven't received treatment yet. I went online to look up what are the traits of BPD and her and I fit them. Like I said, I'm not a doctor and I shouldn't have diagnosed her but I was concerned for her well being. I do take some of the blame because I wasn't mentally strong enough for her. I did the best I could. I did feel cheated on because this felt like a relationship even thought she said we were friends.

There is a special forum for partners of people with personality disorders. Have you talked to a psychologist about your own traits? We can not help someone who does not want to get well. If you do indeed have bpd or bpd traits it will take a lot of hard work to get well and even then you will have challenges. People can be very cruel and insensitive and you will have to learn how to live in the world along side of them. My advice would be to focus on your own recovery and look for someone who can support you. If you do indeed have bpd you're going to need a lot of emotional support and it sounds like your friend is not going to be able to give it to you. What do you think?

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Originally Posted by leomama

There is a special forum for partners of people with personality disorders. Have you talked to a psychologist about your own traits? We can not help someone who does not want to get well. If you do indeed have bpd or bpd traits it will take a lot of hard work to get well and even then you will have challenges. People can be very cruel and insensitive and you will have to learn how to live in the world along side of them. My advice would be to focus on your own recovery and look for someone who can support you. If you do indeed have bpd you're going to need a lot of emotional support and it sounds like your friend is not going to be able to give it to you. What do you think?

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I haven't talked to a psychologist yet. I will soon. I will focus on my recovery. I'm fully aware that people can be cruel and insensitive. I dealt with one person last night and handled it pretty well.

As for my friend, I know she doesn't want to get well. I could feel her anger and denial when we had our last argument. Part of me wishes one day she realizes what she has been doing and hopefully goes to see a dr about what ever issue she has. I know she won't be supportive of me. She wasn't supportive when I went through my nervous breakdown months ago and that hurt me alot. It's just hard to fathom that she who seemed slightly shy and caring in the beginning can turn into someone completely different.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Lil Rocky

I haven't talked to a psychologist yet. I will soon. I will focus on my recovery. I'm fully aware that people can be cruel and insensitive. I dealt with one person last night and handled it pretty well.


As for my friend, I know she doesn't want to get well. I could feel her anger and denial when we had our last argument. Part of me wishes one day she realizes what she has been doing and hopefully goes to see a dr about what ever issue she has. I know she won't be supportive of me. She wasn't supportive when I went through my nervous breakdown months ago and that hurt me alot. It's just hard to fathom that she who seemed slightly shy and caring in the beginning can turn into someone completely different.

It sounds to me like you are going to have to let go of her if you want to get well. It doesn't sound like she's going to be able to help you. You have to help yourself before you can help others. It is said that we attract those that reflect our stage of development . I believe that if you deal with your own issues and get healthier you will attract someone healthier. What do you think? We can't get anyone into therapy who doesn't want to go just like you can't get someone sober who doesn't want to stop drinking.

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Originally Posted by leomama

It sounds to me like you are going to have to let go of her if you want to get well. It doesn't sound like she's going to be able to help you. You have to help yourself before you can help others. It is said that we attract those that reflect our stage of development . I believe that if you deal with your own issues and get healthier you will attract someone healthier. What do you think? We can't get anyone into therapy who doesn't want to go just like you can't get someone sober who doesn't want to stop drinking.

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That does makes sense. You're absolutely right about everything. She can't and probably won't help me. She probably will make me worse than before.