[Pastel Kitten]

I don't mean to hurt people! I'm hurting my boyfriend so much, by hating myself and feeling constantly suicidal. It destroys him inside to see me like this. To see how I've hurt my body. To see how apathetic I am at times and can't cry at all, despite what I'm feeling, and then seeing me cry for hours and hours at other times. Hurting him makes me want to hurt myself more and begins a vicious cycle.

He's been bottling it all up from his family and I had no idea that he felt so closed off from them because I have no idea how normal families operate. No one would ever open up to each other in my family. It was all chaos. This is all foreign to me, being in a normal family, and I can't pull myself together to meet with his family members or engage in his outside life at all. Being around other people gives me so much anxiety because I'm so unstable and prone to having a major breakdown at any moment. I don't want them to know about my mental illness because I'm so terrified of how they'd judge me. At the same time, I want him to be able to vent to his family and not bottle this all up inside. I want him to be happy. I'm not trying to stop him from doing the things he wants to do. I want him and only him and I'm draining the life out of him but I can't stop hurting myself or wanting to die, and therefore hurting him even more. He hasn't wanted to invite his friends over the entire time I've been here because of how unstable I've been. I want him to be able to see them. I feel like such a disgusting human being. I'm losing almost all control.

I'm 21 and I'm actually reaching levels of instability I never thought I'd reach. The last time I was this bad was when I was 16. My symptoms were somewhat quelled for the few years I was with my ex, but most likely because we're both mentally ill and provided for each others' unhealthy needs. The breakup has completely devastated me and I don't want my current boyfriend to suffer because of my brokenness. I love him so much. He deserves a healthy girlfriend who can be present in all areas of his life, other than hanging out in his bedroom all day for fear I'll lose my mind. I feel like running away SO badly but I'm equally as terrified of losing him. I feel like I should be alone forever to spare others of my insanity.

[DelusionsDaily]

Don't beat yourself up too badly right now. It sounded like you were starting with a new therapist trained in DBT. I think it will help greatly. While it's not a cure it can help greatly to manage BPD once you figure out how and where the skills work best for you.

[Pastel Kitten]

Originally Posted by DelusionsDaily

Don't beat yourself up too badly right now. It sounded like you were starting with a new therapist trained in DBT. I think it will help greatly. While it's not a cure it can help greatly to manage BPD once you figure out how and where the skills work best for you.

I will be but it's postponed because of a hurricane in our area sadly. It's hard not to beat myself up over it because I really, really hate causing stress or pain to the people I care about. I can't stop hearing my mom's words in my head. "How is Cory (my boyfriend) coping? Your breakdowns affect other people too."

[Starlana]

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

I don't mean to hurt people! I'm hurting my boyfriend so much, by hating myself and feeling constantly suicidal. It destroys him inside to see me like this. To see how I've hurt my body. To see how apathetic I am at times and can't cry at all, despite what I'm feeling, and then seeing me cry for hours and hours at other times. Hurting him makes me want to hurt myself more and begins a vicious cycle.

He's been bottling it all up from his family and I had no idea that he felt so closed off from them because I have no idea how normal families operate. No one would ever open up to each other in my family. It was all chaos. This is all foreign to me, being in a normal family, and I can't pull myself together to meet with his family members or engage in his outside life at all. Being around other people gives me so much anxiety because I'm so unstable and prone to having a major breakdown at any moment. I don't want them to know about my mental illness because I'm so terrified of how they'd judge me. At the same time, I want him to be able to vent to his family and not bottle this all up inside. I want him to be happy. I'm not trying to stop him from doing the things he wants to do. I want him and only him and I'm draining the life out of him but I can't stop hurting myself or wanting to die, and therefore hurting him even more. He hasn't wanted to invite his friends over the entire time I've been here because of how unstable I've been. I want him to be able to see them. I feel like such a disgusting human being. I'm losing almost all control.

I'm 21 and I'm actually reaching levels of instability I never thought I'd reach. The last time I was this bad was when I was 16. My symptoms were somewhat quelled for the few years I was with my ex, but most likely because we're both mentally ill and provided for each others' unhealthy needs. The breakup has completely devastated me and I don't want my current boyfriend to suffer because of my brokenness. I love him so much. He deserves a healthy girlfriend who can be present in all areas of his life, other than hanging out in his bedroom all day for fear I'll lose my mind. I feel like running away SO badly but I'm equally as terrified of losing him. I feel like I should be alone forever to spare others of my insanity.

I have decided to just be honest about my personality disorder. It's not your fault you have some issues, and when you really think about it, everyone has issues sometimes...you just have them consistently. Be honest with the family, be honest about how you feel about your bf to the family, and they might judge you and they might accept and offer help to you. You never know. They might need to know he needs their support, too.

[DelusionsDaily]

This may be hard but for the sake of your relationship and your bf's health you may need to sit with him and talk about sitting with his family and educating them about your BPD. Then explain the steps your taking to get the proper help you need but it not an overnight fix. You're willing to work hard to get better but starting this treatment has been delayed because of the storm. This could relieve some guilt as he would be able to relieve some of the pressure he feels by giving him a loving place to vent and it would possibly reduce judgment because they've been educated. Unfortunately there's no guarantee they won't judge but at least you've done your part to bring understanding.

I had to learn to own and accept my disorder. Now I don't go announcing it to everyone but to me a bf's(if serious)family should be educated about the situation in an attempt to bring understanding. It's not easy. I think honesty with them might go a long way in helping your bf not feel so isolated in this situation. It's not easy for anyone around those with BPD. Even therapists admit to a high burnout in those that treat BPD if they aren't properly supported by colleagues in there efforts and these are trained professionals.

Hell, I get exhausted with my BPD. The intensity with which we feel emotion, our self-destructive behaviors, and difficulty in relationships is quite the trifecta in a not so good way. Just some thoughts to consider.

[Pastel Kitten]

Yeah, you guys are right. I need to get over my fear of being judged and be honest about what's going on with me. Right now isn't a good time to sit down and talk with them because of the storm, and thankfully I may actually be able to see that new therapist as early as Monday, depending, so that shouldn't be too much of a problem in the end. But yes...I do think educating them about my disorder could really clear some things up. I also need to let go of the past and stop comparing everyone in life to my dysfunctional family. I need to learn what is normal and get used to it. I really do want to stay in this relationship and I live in a very healthy environment. I just want to become healthy too.

Today I feel a little more clear minded which may be very fortunate if I do end up having to evacuate from the storm (we'd be staying with my boyfriend's aunt and her family). I was dreading it because of my mental state, but hopefully I'll be able to appear normal for the time being until things can actually be discussed. I won't lie..I'm intimidated by my boyfriend's dad. Don't get me wrong, he's a really kind person but he's pretty reserved and doesn't always smile a whole lot. Ever since moving here I've interpreted this lack of smile (he's not frowning either though) as him being mad at me, and it's made me put on a really happy act in front of him in order to prevent him from being angry (even though he isn't angry, as my boyfriend has reassured me over and over...)

Thank you. Hearing it from you guys, who suffer similarly, has helped encourage me to stop hiding from everyone.

[Starlana]

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

Yeah, you guys are right. I need to get over my fear of being judged and be honest about what's going on with me. Right now isn't a good time to sit down and talk with them because of the storm, and thankfully I may actually be able to see that new therapist as early as Monday, depending, so that shouldn't be too much of a problem in the end. But yes...I do think educating them about my disorder could really clear some things up. I also need to let go of the past and stop comparing everyone in life to my dysfunctional family. I need to learn what is normal and get used to it. I really do want to stay in this relationship and I live in a very healthy environment. I just want to become healthy too.

Today I feel a little more clear minded which may be very fortunate if I do end up having to evacuate from the storm (we'd be staying with my boyfriend's aunt and her family). I was dreading it because of my mental state, but hopefully I'll be able to appear normal for the time being until things can actually be discussed. I won't lie..I'm intimidated by my boyfriend's dad. Don't get me wrong, he's a really kind person but he's pretty reserved and doesn't always smile a whole lot. Ever since moving here I've interpreted this lack of smile (he's not frowning either though) as him being mad at me, and it's made me put on a really happy act in front of him in order to prevent him from being angry (even though he isn't angry, as my boyfriend has reassured me over and over...)

Thank you. Hearing it from you guys, who suffer similarly, has helped encourage me to stop hiding from everyone.

Yes, you cannot blame yourself for the bad things that have happened to you in your life, particularly in your childhood. You are how you are for a reason. Times are also changing, and society is becoming more accepting of people with mental health disorders as we are beginning to better understand the cause of them.

[Pastel Kitten]

Originally Posted by Starlana

Yes, you cannot blame yourself for the bad things that have happened to you in your life, particularly in your childhood. You are how you are for a reason. Times are also changing, and society is becoming more accepting of people with mental health disorders as we are beginning to better understand the cause of them.

I can't wait for the stigma to be over. I'm glad people are becoming more accepting of mental illness, but it really does suck that BPD is one of the most stigmatized disorders and will definitely take longer for the stigma to disappear