[curiously1]

Try to keep the story short.

Was with my exBPDgf for 10months altogether. I was her longest relationship. She normally lasts mere weeks to 3 months on average with her past ones. She was satisfied with me until I triggered her fears of abandonment and didn't feel good enough for me. I didn't realise it at the time, but during that time, she was trying to find someone new. She wasn't happy with her new friend but she was willing to find anyone to get away from me because she felt too unstable when around me. She believes that I cause her to feel badly about herself. She told me to not contact her for a month, recontacted me after that month and that she missed and regretted ending things with me. After the 2 weeks reunited, we decided to repair things and get back together. During this time, her friend was still in the picture trying to pursue her and even tried to kill himself. One day my exBPDgf decides to leave me because she believed I had not changed.. (not do everything she says/ we just had a minor disagreement) and then later I find has tried to be in a relationship with the friend yet again. I was angry at the time because I felt as if the friend was preventing her from getting therapy and encouraging that it was clearly me who just didn't know how to treat her right. So the friend did everything he could to woo my ex. Did everything she wanted etc. and vowed that even if he didn't get anything back, he'd do anything for her out of love. I couldn't stand the guy. They lasted 3-4months and now she is alone again and drinking her pain away.
I wonder why because I thought she finally got everything she had wanted from me. She at least felt safer with that guy and got everything she wanted. Perhaps she got bored? No idea. I wonder if she ever missed me during her rebound.
I was told many things to believe that she could never love her friend and that it was me drove the distance between us. The second time we got back together, she told me that it felt wrong to be intimate with the guy and she could never do it again. That she just did all of this to get back at me because I upset her etc. That the friend is temporary, isn't who she really loves - me - but that I can never change for her. And yet, she still gave up on our r/s just like that and eventually tried with him again. I am starting to think that she said similar things to the friend. That she is trying to get away from me because I make her feel bad etc. Why would the friend see me as a bad guy unless she made me out to be that way. Why would he play rescuer? Did she only care about having attention from both people? Was her saying very nasty things about her friend just a way to mislead me to feel comfortable so she could have both of us the time we were together?

Do pwBPD grieve long-term relationships? Or do they keep looking for someone new and you mean nothing after that? I'd like to believe that I was the one she loved and she just couldn't face herself and getting therapy VS someone lovebombing her at the time we were trying to repair things.
I question what she valued but I also know that I make her feel badly about herself when I tell her to face herself.
The lovebombing from the friend was probably irresistible and what she craved to feel from me - even if she didn't really like the other guy (at least thats what she wants me to believe). Maybe that's just an ego thing I need to get over. Maybe she loved him too.
I wish I knew how she really felt about me and if she actually cared. Did she regret? Can she reflect?

[when_it_rains]

People with Bpd share certain characteristics but we are all so different just like everyone else. I did used to look for a new relationship to get over people. It was for the purpose of distraction so I didn't have to grieve. The pain was just too intense but now it's different. Now that I am older and more mature I just cant anymore. When I love someone and become so attached emotionally and then it ends I am in the pits if hell emotionally. My grief lasts so much longer than average. It can take years and it the thought of even touching another man is so hard for me. I feel like I could never love anyone else ever again. Having this condition means you feel every emotion so incredibly deeply whether it be happiness or despair. It is very intense for us

[when_it_rains]

That is not to say i may not get drunk and find someone to replace the emptiness but if I did I would have to live through the torture of my own guilt and disappointment in myself. I guess thats why I dont do it so easily anymore. I know how awful the regret will be

[Icare dixit]

The important thing to understand is that she's probably more confused than you are. Any certainty about relationships and people can be misleading. It's most likely not some clever, carefully thought-out, manipulative plan. She might say the same thing to you both, but it might be true in each case.

It's certain action due to great uncertainty with occasional false certainties. It's pain masquerading as callousness.

So: yes and no, probably. It's always yes and no. It's quite simple like the concepts of weather dynamics. But storms are highly complex, unpredictable. It's an emotional storm. It's always different and always the same.

Like with any storm, you can leave or weather it. We can't [edit: choose], but that's not your fault or responsibility.

Self-reflection is essential and difficult. Difficult emotionally and to see the dynamics. Why her relationships really fail. It's painful, but she'll have to eventually. A therapist may need to help her.

[curiously1]

Originally Posted by when_it_rains

People with Bpd share certain characteristics but we are all so different just like everyone else. I did used to look for a new relationship to get over people. It was for the purpose of distraction so I didn't have to grieve. The pain was just too intense but now it's different. Now that I am older and more mature I just cant anymore. When I love someone and become so attached emotionally and then it ends I am in the pits if hell emotionally. My grief lasts so much longer than average. It can take years and it the thought of even touching another man is so hard for me. I feel like I could never love anyone else ever again. Having this condition means you feel every emotion so incredibly deeply whether it be happiness or despair. It is very intense for us

I'll try and not compare myself to the friend. Yes she said a lot of things to make me think the friend is not her type but the ending was still the same. She still got with him as well. I guess there was something in both of us that she wanted. I probably had many things the other guy didn't, and he may have had something that I didn't and so it was hard for her to choose maybe and I of course, am the one closest to her and known her the longest which inevitably means that I give her the most pain. No idea. I hope that now that she is alone she is grieving our failed relationship. I believed she loved me but on the surface it looked as if she didn't even value our relationship and moving towards therapy over getting a lot of attention from somebody new to fill her up. Because facing herself is too hard, and feeling good and admired in the moment is easiest and means she can take 0 responsibility for herself. It's either she regrets what she has done to both me and the other guy, or she has completely forgotten about me now and just pitying that she cannot make things last with anyone. Either way, she left me.

[curiously1]

Originally Posted by Icare dixit

The important thing to understand is that she's probably more confused than you are. Any certainty about relationships and people can be misleading. It's most likely not some clever, carefully thought-out, manipulative plan. She might say the same thing to you both, but it might be true in each case.

It's certain action due to great uncertainty with occasional false certainties. It's pain masquerading as callousness.

So: yes and no, probably. It's always yes and no. It's quite simple like the concepts of weather dynamics. But storms are highly complex, unpredictable. It's an emotional storm. It's always different and always the same.

Like with any storm, you can leave or weather it. We can't [edit: choose], but that's not your fault or responsibility.

Self-reflection is essential and difficult. Difficult emotionally and to see the dynamics. Why her relationships really fail. It's painful, but she'll have to eventually. A therapist may need to help her.

All I know is she wants to feel stable and safe. She wasn't sure who out of the both of us could make her feel that way more I guess. I have had more arguments with her just because Ive been with her the longest. The advantage I had is that I know her well but the disadvantage is that I am also too painful for her to deal with and the person she pins all the blame on. I make her feel such and such whether its a good emotion or a bad. Every single thing she feels is all on me in her eyes. It makes her worse if I encourage her to do something good for herself such as therapy. She always opposes anything I suggest because I know she has to decide on her own. The fact that I mention it means she won't do it. She is just like that. She has to be the one to decide because that would make her feel better. One time I suggested something and she only did it during a break up of ours. When we got back together I asked her why, for example when she chose to go to gym and dress up a little nicer when she didn't want to join me last time and she said she can just change her mind when she wants to and it had nothing to do with me inspiring her to do anything etc.

[curiously1]

Originally Posted by when_it_rains

That is not to say i may not get drunk and find someone to replace the emptiness but if I did I would have to live through the torture of my own guilt and disappointment in myself. I guess thats why I dont do it so easily anymore. I know how awful the regret will be

That is all she is doing now. Getting piss drunk everyday. She has terrible anxiety. She has to get drunk just to get out of the house to do her grocery shopping. She is that terrified and badly coping in life right now. She would rather do all of this than to admit she has a deeper rooted problem. She would rather look for someone new and just hope it'll magically work out and as if someone else is capable of saving her from her. It is like she knows her pattern of failed relationship, and yet does absolutely nothing new to fix that.
The only good thing is that everything has ended now and she has only herself to face right now. She's not making the best decisions right now for herself but at least she isn't hurting and bringing people down with her. I wish she could just come back, tell me I was the one she loved and she wants to get better this time with me by her side and she effed up and shes sorry for all the hurt she has caused. But that is not reality. The word "sorry" or a real apology is not a part of her vocabulary. She has too much pride.

[shezbut]

I know that your ex-gf's behavior does not make much sense to you, curiously1, and that it hurts you deeply...I am sorry about your pain and confusion. I feel as though most things that I try to say will not be fully understood, but I will give it a shot.

As BPD's, we struggle with intense emotions that we feel we cannot control. We try everything that we can think of (in that moment) to relieve ourselves from the misery. The misery often comes in the shape of depression and/or anxiety. Our relief comes from positive and/or negative sources like: exercise, sleep, work, sex, drinking, drugs, etc.

Like everything else, we give ourselves completely to these things. As people with BPD, we don't believe in doing X half-arsed, we go all of the way! It can be a positive personality trait sometimes, but in this case, it's does not sound very positive. So, yes, based on what you stated, it sounds like your ex-gf does feel a lot of pain and misery inside. Hopefully, her life won't continue to spiral downward in confusion.

I hope that this outlook has helped you look at things a little differently. ((hugs)) to you both.

[curiously1]

Originally Posted by shezbut

I know that your ex-gf's behavior does not make much sense to you, curiously1, and that it hurts you deeply...I am sorry about your pain and confusion. I feel as though most things that I try to say will not be fully understood, but I will give it a shot.

As BPD's, we struggle with intense emotions that we feel we cannot control. We try everything that we can think of (in that moment) to relieve ourselves from the misery. The misery often comes in the shape of depression and/or anxiety. Our relief comes from positive and/or negative sources like: exercise, sleep, work, sex, drinking, drugs, etc.

Like everything else, we give ourselves completely to these things. As people with BPD, we don't believe in doing X half-arsed, we go all of the way! It can be a positive personality trait sometimes, but in this case, it's does not sound very positive. So, yes, based on what you stated, it sounds like your ex-gf does feel a lot of pain and misery inside. Hopefully, her life won't continue to spiral downward in confusion.

I hope that this outlook has helped you look at things a little differently. ((hugs)) to you both.

Shez, today I felt like I wanted to just run back to her and hold her. I miss her and just want her to know that she is loved. I know nothing is going to change though. Who knows how she feels now. It's been around 6 months or so already. She may be grieving the person after me too. I wouldn't know how she feels about me now. Whether that person was truly a distraction and just used to get away from me or if she also developed feelings for him too along the way you know? It's been too long to really know how she feels. Cos as you said, pwBPD tend to give themselves completely and as much as it hurts and hope it isn't true, it is totally possible that she gave as much of her all to him as well. She may have said he meant nothing while we were together and that she could never love another person like me but from what I understand about BPD, it is all about the present moment and that may have changed after we broke up. She may have been telling the truth that she would never love him but that was only for that moment. Out of sight out of mind right? She may have completely forgotten about me while trying to make the relationship with her friend work. I don't know how much has changed in her heart after her recent break up. If she prefers me etc. They were together for about 4 months or so and that must be plenty of time to move on from me. Running back to her would probably encourage another bad cycle, I don't know. I don't know why she keeps putting therapy on hold. That is what we were going to do together and then he came along trying to win her affection - which he managed to while my ex and I were still at a rocky place and building trust back and old hurts from our previous break up. There are times where she had mentioned she felt she needed therapy but she has still done nothing about it and probably felt a lot more validated by the friend at the time. All I know is that her being alone right now is probably the best thing for her and I should restrain myself from doing anything impulsive just because I miss her.

[when_it_rains]

Originally Posted by curiously1

That is all she is doing now. Getting piss drunk everyday. She has terrible anxiety. She has to get drunk just to get out of the house to do her grocery shopping. She is that terrified and badly coping in life right now. She would rather do all of this than to admit she has a deeper rooted problem. She would rather look for someone new and just hope it'll magically work out and as if someone else is capable of saving her from her. It is like she knows her pattern of failed relationship, and yet does absolutely nothing new to fix that.
The only good thing is that everything has ended now and she has only herself to face right now. She's not making the best decisions right now for herself but at least she isn't hurting and bringing people down with her. I wish she could just come back, tell me I was the one she loved and she wants to get better this time with me by her side and she effed up and shes sorry for all the hurt she has caused. But that is not reality. The word "sorry" or a real apology is not a part of her vocabulary. She has too much pride.

I understand your pain. My ex isn't bpd but he is cold and lacks depth or understanding and he cannot at all see how his actions and neglect cause me so much pain in fact he belittles me when I cry and calls me attention seeking and that I juat like drama which is so untrue. My pain is real. I am the Mother of his 5 month old baby girl and he still doesn't care or want to give me love and support. He leaves me alone with her and my other 3 children and never asks if I'm coping ok. It kills me inside how unimportant I am to this man.

You sound like an amazing person with so much love and support to give. You have tried your best, sacrificed your own happiness to try to help someone else. You have done all you can. I wish nothing more than my ex to come back to me and tell me he is truly sorry, that he realizes what he did and he will try to be more understanding and show more empathy but I know the chances of that happening a slim to none so I have to accept it now and put my all into other aspects of my life. You just never know what is around the corner in life. Just keep telling yourself you deserve a loving, caring partner and you will find whoever that is when you are ready, in the meantime do the things that make you happy x

[when_it_rains]

Originally Posted by curiously1

Shez, today I felt like I wanted to just run back to her and hold her. I miss her and just want her to know that she is loved. I know nothing is going to change though. Who knows how she feels now. It's been around 6 months or so already. She may be grieving the person after me too. I wouldn't know how she feels about me now. Whether that person was truly a distraction and just used to get away from me or if she also developed feelings for him too along the way you know? It's been too long to really know how she feels. Cos as you said, pwBPD tend to give themselves completely and as much as it hurts and hope it isn't true, it is totally possible that she gave as much of her all to him as well. She may have said he meant nothing while we were together and that she could never love another person like me but from what I understand about BPD, it is all about the present moment and that may have changed after we broke up. She may have been telling the truth that she would never love him but that was only for that moment. Out of sight out of mind right? She may have completely forgotten about me while trying to make the relationship with her friend work. I don't know how much has changed in her heart after her recent break up. If she prefers me etc. They were together for about 4 months or so and that must be plenty of time to move on from me. Running back to her would probably encourage another bad cycle, I don't know. I don't know why she keeps putting therapy on hold. That is what we were going to do together and then he came along trying to win her affection - which he managed to while my ex and I were still at a rocky place and building trust back and old hurts from our previous break up. There are times where she had mentioned she felt she needed therapy but she has still done nothing about it and probably felt a lot more validated by the friend at the time. All I know is that her being alone right now is probably the best thing for her and I should restrain myself from doing anything impulsive just because I miss her.

She will never really be happy with anyone until she tries to get better cos she will always want more reassurance than anyone is capable.of giving her. She kept you both wanting her by playing you against eachother, probably not intentionally but when she was with you she felt wanted by the other and vice versa.

[curiously1]

Originally Posted by when_it_rains

I understand your pain. My ex isn't bpd but he is cold and lacks depth or understanding and he cannot at all see how his actions and neglect cause me so much pain in fact he belittles me when I cry and calls me attention seeking and that I juat like drama which is so untrue. My pain is real. I am the Mother of his 5 month old baby girl and he still doesn't care or want to give me love and support. He leaves me alone with her and my other 3 children and never asks if I'm coping ok. It kills me inside how unimportant I am to this man.

You sound like an amazing person with so much love and support to give. You have tried your best, sacrificed your own happiness to try to help someone else. You have done all you can. I wish nothing more than my ex to come back to me and tell me he is truly sorry, that he realizes what he did and he will try to be more understanding and show more empathy but I know the chances of that happening a slim to none so I have to accept it now and put my all into other aspects of my life. You just never know what is around the corner in life. Just keep telling yourself you deserve a loving, caring partner and you will find whoever that is when you are ready, in the meantime do the things that make you happy x

Thank you. You deserve all the best too. You deserve a partner who is there for you and your children and simply gives a crap.
I don't know how my ex will perceive it if I just show up not necessarily knowing what I want with her. She'll probably be shocked to see me at the door. I just miss seeing her in person but I don't know if that's good enough to break no contact. Regardless, of what I do right now.. I am looking forward to a more loving and caring partner who also cares about improving herself. I really don't see that person as her right now or ever again. When she is alone and in the dark, that rescuer side of me just wants to always be there for her, because I know what it feels like to be left and feel unloved. That is my weakness. I feel like I have endless amount of empathy for her. I have treated her so well and I need to stop myself from continuously giving without getting much from her in return. I really should let her go completely.

[curiously1]

Originally Posted by when_it_rains

She will never really be happy with anyone until she tries to get better cos she will always want more reassurance than anyone is capable.of giving her. She kept you both wanting her by playing you against eachother, probably not intentionally but when she was with you she felt wanted by the other and vice versa.

Once the friend was in the picture, the more of a sick game it all felt. She did a good job of making us play against each other you are right about that. The more of that I saw, the less love I felt. She did not prioritise me as a partner above any other. It felt like she did not recognise nor appreciated my worth as a partner to do that to me while we were repairing things. But I know it's a bit more complex than that and coming from her insecurities to do that as a pwBPD because she already felt like she wasnt good enough for me and must always have a backup - in case I left her. But yes, coming from a non, it looked like I was no more important than the friend no matter how much she tried to convince me her friend meant nothing.

[avlady]

i think when it rains is right. we can not change others and we have to work with what works for us, and not worry about others before we work on ourselves. I say to try your best to let go however you can. Your ex sounds very unstable and will be unless she gets help soon.good luck

[curiously1]

I miss her but I cannot do a thing about it! I am still thinking of making contact with her but still giving it a few more days before I do anything impulsive. I have about 3-4 dates in the next couple of weeks which will probably be good for me to take my mind off of her..

[curiously1]

UPDATE
I may be dealing with a NPD or ASPD exgf and not BPD after this new information I have just collected from her friend and how things ended with them. She seems to lack a lot empathy than I initially thought.
She was very emotionally and physically abusive towards her friend. They were never together, but she still used him for sex now and again. The friend described her to be sadistic and that she would use violence as a threat for her to do things she wanted him to do. She told me that she would make sure that he did not make any new friends etc. Now, all of this amount of controlling and sadistic behaviour I have never experienced. My relationship with my ex didn't get that bad. All I experienced was some projection and silent treatment when she was pissy. Perhaps it's because I set good boundaries with my ex but that isn't the point. I couldn't imagine the extent my ex could abuse somebody else if they allowed her to do so. Now my ex has dumped the friend now that she has a new partner. She moved interstate recently to see the new person. Everything happened in such lightning speed I feel. Good luck to the guy. I have a big head about this, feeling like I know my ex best and nobody can handle her like I can but I really need to stop. I impulsively added her to see how she'd react and she accepted my Skype request. We both haven't messaged since the accepted invite and yeah its way too late (past midnight) to have a conversation. What am I thinking.. really to add her. She might be a narc or sociopath and if she is, there is 0 ability to change. I have the chance to start over with a much nicer girlfriend now. I wanted to stay civil with her but after what I have heard she has done to her friend, I just don't know if that is morally right anymore.