[shrekrulz247742]

My behavior is very impulsive and dangerous. For example, I was recently caught and ticketed for recklessly driving 110 mph. I don't know why I was driving so fast, I was on a road trip but wasn't in a hurry to get there or anything. I was aware that I was going this fast but I didn't care (I was in the middle of nowhere, so I was mainly putting myself at risk). I just don't know why I did it. I had been secretly hoping something would happen during the drive up that would kill me but didn't feel this way WHILE I was speeding.

-I take Sertraline, but constantly go off of it despite knowing it's necessary that I take it in order to function.

-I am unable to keep friends for more than a year at a time. Whenever I make new friends, I always just think, "I wonder when this one's going to end," because it's just a guarantee that I'm going to lose them. I've been through probably 3 different friend groups in the last year. I go from intensely loving people- always wanting them around and having nothing but positive things to say-to intensely hating them and wanting to cut them off completely for no apparent reason. This is why my friendships usually end. At the time that I start to hate them, I feel completely justified and go to ridiculous lengths to try and justify that hatred, but a couple months after cutting them off, I realize they did nothing wrong and it was just me acting up again. I don't even have a good relationship with my family, although they would like one.

-I impulsively dropped out of college despite how well I was doing. One day I just woke up, didn't want to go, and dropped out. Of course I regret it now.

-I've put myself through many forms of self-harm. In the past I've cut and burned myself. Recently, I went through a phase where I starved myself and forcibly puked a countless amount of times. I would stick the toothbrush down my throat, or take a dose over my anxiety pills knowing I would get sick and throw up. I lost about 20 lbs in a month because of this, and what scares me is that I would so do it again.

-I can have outbursts-I'm not violent towards people, but instead I'll break things. I smashed my phone with a hairbrush, regretted it, got a new phone and chucked it against a fence and threw it in the trash, regretted it, I've broken 2 of my laptops before, broken my door, kicked a hole in my wall, etc. etc.

-I have serious sensory overload issues. I can't stand noises or smells or anything that wouldn't typically bother a person. The sound of a door closing or a doorknob turning is enough to drive me insane.

-I have CONSTANT suicidal thoughts. I am always questioning my existence and don't see any true meaning in life. I am so unmotivated to do anything, not even because I'm depressed, but because I'm well aware that it won't matter what I do anyways because we're all going to die someday. I also want to die young, and don't want to allow myself to grow old because the thought of growing old terrifies me.

-Ironically, I'm terrified of death, despite always wanting to kill myself. I used to have panic attacks everyday for a good 3 months until eventually my meds helped. I went to urgent care a countless amount of times to just "make sure" I wasn't sick or dying. If I hear about someone else having an illness I become fully convinced that I have it also. I'm also paranoid about dying in mass shootings or bombings or whatnot and it's affected me to the point where I can't be in large crowds ever without having some sort of meltdown. I can never sit through an entire movie at the theatre because I just "sense" that someone is going to come shoot the place up, and it makes my friends mad because I leave them but they don't understand that I'm genuinely scared for my life. I'm pretty good with controlling myself when I'm in public from lashing out, but I still feel that I'm always on the verge of it. I hate standing in line, because of all the people, and I get really jittery and anxious and my blood just boils, and when I think I'm finally about to lose my **** I just say "Come on" to my friends and storm off, without getting whatever it was I needed to get. They never understand why. Same with public transportation or anything else, if someone I don't know sits next to me I get super antsy and irritated and there is a huge shift in my mood that leaves me pretty much ripping my hair out.

-I cannot make up my mind, ever. I'm never sure of what I really want, I contradict myself a lot. My friends never know what I want or understand what I'm trying to say because I give very contradicting responses. Or, if I'm asked the same question multiple times, I swear I give a different answer every time, and it isn't because I'm lying but more because I'm just trying to understand myself and can't.

-I crave love but push it away when anyone tries to give it to me, even though I secretly want it. For example, hugs are so hard for me and I NEVER initiate them, and when other people try to give them to me I very reluctantly accept it, if I do at all.

-I get angry over things that should not make me angry for any reason. For example if I'm talking to a group of my friends and one of them responds to something I said but she wasn't the one I wanted to respond to it or whatever, I start getting really angry and tell her to be quiet and act super hostile although I'm aware she didn't really do anything wrong. Of course this leaves my friends confused and angry as well.

-I have very random, frequent mood swings that can last for hours, or minutes. I can have 10 mood swings within 5 minutes.

-I tend to become overly attached if I like a person. I have an intense fear they will abandon me, so I constantly blow up their phone with text messages begging for reassurance that they don't hate me or apologizing despite having done nothing wrong. If the person doesn't answer in 10 minutes I get super scared and start sobbing and think they hate me. It makes me look insane and stalkerish, I send so many texts it's embarrassing. Usually what happens is they were taking a shower and that is why they didn't answer. I'm incapable of being left alone for even just 10 minutes without being convinced that the worst has happened. I always regret it afterwards but somehow always end up spiraling again and doing the same thing.

-I always alternate between "I'm better than everyone, and I shouldn't have to care for anyone but myself" and "I'm trash and need to kill myself." I can be very narcissistic at times, but I also hate myself so much that I can't wouldn't actually consider myself a narcissist. Empathy doesn't come very easily to me. Depending on who it is, I am just incapable of feeling empathy, but I'm good at pretending I have it. For example, my friend lost her purse with her valuable inside and started crying (I would have also, so I didn't think she was overreacting or anything), so I assured her it would be okay and comforted her and offered her some of my money and called some places nearby to see if they knew where her purse could be, but I was secretly annoyed with her the whole time for being upset and wanted to tell her to shut up. It wasn't because I thought she was being dramatic, because as I said I would've cried also, but it was because I just didn't want to deal with her. If anyone tries to confide in me I'll offer emotional support and act like I care but I secretly don't care about their problems. This really only applies to my peers, I am only capable of feeling empathy for kids, animals, and my parents.

-While I do crave love, a lot of the times I also just don't want to have any relationships with anyone sometimes (friendships, romantic relationships, etc.) I'm not a reliable person and turn on people at any given moment, and sometimes I hate having to care about anyone besides me. This mindset comes and goes, but the fact that it's there at all is troubling.

-Occasionally I pop pills (sedatives) when I don't need them for anything, and take them just because I'm annoyed, and have driven on 3-4 sedatives but luckily nothing bad happened.

-I have some obsessive and compulsive behaviors, like bathing about 6 times a day (no exaggeration there), constant cleaning, seriously being sent into a rage when people sneeze around me or anything else germ related, getting ridiculously irritated when I touch doorknobs and handles or anything like that knowing how much germs are on them.

-I can't share beds with people. If my friends stay over or I stay over at their place I just can't share a bed with them. I always end up sleeping o the floor despite the bed having plenty of space. I'd rather be uncomfortable have back pain when I wake up than sleep in a comfortable bed with another person. If somehow I do end up sharing one, I always get such a restless sleep, like my brain is trying to keep me alert to some extent.

-This one thing that bothers me the most is that I have lots of horrible sexual thoughts that I don't want but they always just invade my head and it drives me crazy. I could never enjoy sex because these thoughts are always popping up. I have such a negative perception of sex; I don't see it as an expression of love at all but more as something evil and mean and controlling. I don't mean that in a super Goody Girl way and I don't judge anyone for having or enjoying sex. I just can't understand why I have such a negative view of it. It isn't even that I'm like "oh, no, I'm not really into it" and carry on, but I actively spend my time hating the concept of it and having these horrible, traumatizing thoughts that leave me screaming into my pillow and practically ripping my hair out and it can really get in the way of my life. I can't recall ever being sexually abused so I just don't know.

I feel like most of my behavior matches up with Borderline Personality Disorder, based on what I've read about it. I've been going to therapy for years and have never been diagnosed, but that's because at therapy I mostly talk about the small day-to-day inconveniences of life, like work and whatnot. Rarely my thoughts or feelings, especially not my deepest and darkest ones. As far as my therapist knows all my destroyed friendships were justified, since she only sees my perspective of the situations. I tried to bring up the possibility of BPD at the last session but stopped myself because I almost started crying. It's so hard to talk about my deepest feelings with people I know.

I have experienced some abuse as a kid, up until I was about 12. Long story short, my mom used to hit and kick and scream & cuss at me, but CPS was called so she stopped and she's now a perfectly loving mother (She's always been loving but unfortunately used to have that abusive side as well.) I say this because I know it could easily be a factor in all my behavior. And mental illnesses of all kinds run in the family.

I don't know how I'm supposed to help myself when I can't even bring myself confide in my therapist or stay on my medication consistently. It has nothing to do with the quality of her work-she's amazing and I wouldn't want a different therapist but I just cannot talk about this stuff without crying or losing my mind.

At one point I thought I might have Bipolar Disorder given my mood swings. However, my behavior, although sometimes "psychotic", isn't quite psychotic ENOUGH to match up with Bipolar disorder. I did research and came across the page with information on BPD and it sounds a lot like me. I read something say it's called borderline PD because it's bordering psychosis and neurosis, and if I didn't know what BPD was I would have described it that way-it's like I'm insane, but also not.

Sorry for the long post, but what are your thoughts? Does this sound like BPD or another illness? How do I deal with this? Any advice at all will be greatly appreciated.

[Icare dixit]

I'd suggest you talk about how you feel with your therapist even if you can't really talk much because of the crying. The crying alone is worth it and it makes it easier to talk about your feelings next time. Your story is also sometimes contradictory. That could be the confusion you describe.

It sounds very complex. Looking at BPD might be a good starting point. It could very well be that your therapist already suspects it. But I don't think it's just that.

I agree it's reasonable to think how your mother responded when you were little/younger might have had a big influence. It's confusing if someone who loves you so much is so controlling. You can't really separate the two. It's probably as bad (and possibly worse) as emotional neglect. In a way, it's always a bit of both because both create confusion about and fear of emotions. That's negligence and abusive.

That's why you need to learn to talk about your emotions and to channel them in appropriate behaviour without (much) fear or anxiety.

[Skeezyks]

Hello shrekrulz: Well... we here on PC cannot diagnose you. (You probably knew that.) I think, somehow, you're going to have to find a way to share what is going on with you, deep down, with your therapist. I know how this is though. Whenever I've gotten in front of a therapist or psychiatrist, in the past, no matter how dismal I felt inside, I would just reflexively slap a smile on my face & say everything's fine. I simply couldn't do differently.

Is it possible for you to write your T a letter describing all you wrote in this post? Perhaps you could even make a copy of your post & get it to your T prior to an upcoming appointment. That way, you wouldn't have to sit there & try to figure out how to talk about it all in person. I know how difficult that can be. You wrote that your T is amazing. So it's not an issue of needing to find a different therapist. You simply need to find a way to convey all that is in your heart.

Anyway... I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Misssy2]

Have you taken the Sanity Score test on this website?

I found this test to be very accurate because it outlined that the critical areas I needed help in are areas I am treated for...such as Bipolar, PTSD, Borderline Personality, Depression and Anxiety.

I also think I will take these results to my Drs just to reinforce the fact that I need BETTER FRIGIN TREATMENT.