BPD and 3rd marriage.

--THIS IS SERIOUSLY LONG, AND NOBODY HAS TO READ IT, MOSTLY IT IS JUST GETTING THOUGHTS ON PAPER -- OF COURSE, ANYONE IS WELCOME TO READ AND RESPOND. BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO. I AM NOT NEEDING KUDOS OR HUGS. JUST OTHER PERSPECTIVES. --

I have BPD, BP, GAD. I am on my 3rd marriage.

1st marriage: after being stalked 21 months, I met a friend and lost a job, and got married because in the weakened state of having been stalked, I needed some support. On a Monday night, after begging me to marry him for 3 months - I said yes, and we did it about 4 hours later. Not because I loved him, I knew I didn't. But because it was Vegas, and if I didn't do something - he would want to watch the Simpsons that night, and I frigging hated the Simpsons. 10 years. I stayed 10 years because it was marriage. Never liked the guy. Tried hard to be perfect. He was very demanding. He liked me moldable, he didn't like me developing who I was.

2nd marriage: less then 1 year after my 1st marriage broke up, my best friend had terminal cancer. She was also my Sensei. I was nuts, my mental illnesses really reeking havoc, and I wasn't treating them. I lived with my Sensei/friend and rented out my place. I told her when she died, I couldn't live there anymore because it would be inappropriate, and she was angry and said that would be when her family would need her the most. I married her husband like 5 months after she died in some warped attempt to do some noble thing. He wouldn't stop crying. It was the only thing I could think of to fix things, and raise her son - who was his step-son, and he wanted to give the boy to some of her cousins to raise, because during her illness he has lost everything trying to care for her un-insured cancer.

3rd marriage: I really love this guy. He is funny and relaxing. I am smiling just thinking about him. First time I have been married to someone I chose, who I love, who loves me back. We have been together 9 years. I am 24 years older then he is. He never cares about my age. It is a non-issue, even though statistically it doesn't look good.

Here is the thing: we don't have sex - I think he is Asexual. So, not having sex is fine. I am past menopause so even though I still sometimes have desires, not having sex is fine. It took me a few years of feeling rejected and unwanted to learn that - I am loved and wanted, just not sexually - because he doesn't have those desires. If we slept together, it might happen more, due to friction he said, but we don't. Since we both create our own hours - creating our own sleeping spaces just happened organically. It is kind of freeing, never having to worry about sex. I do miss feeling desired sometimes. The emotional feeling of being wanted physically was satisfying and powerful.

He doesn't want children because the world is overpopulated. He prefers dogs, so that isn't an issue for his future. With the age difference, of course I worry about things he will miss out on, being with me. But, he isn't interested in propagating. Plus, with the age difference, he could have children for decades yet, if I pass, and he changes his mind. He says he can't see himself ever marrying again. I am too perfect, what we have is too perfect. He is in it until death. He says wonderful things like that.

I own a house, that I gave him half of last year, to protect him in the event of my death. I have been trying to get him to go to college, or somehow prepare himself for when I die, but he doesn't want to do anything. He says he can learn or teach himself anything. Not to worry about him. But really, what will a man who is maybe 40-50 do - if he never has a job, and just lived with his wife all his life? So yes, I worry that he will be unprepared to care for himself if I die.

So, here we are, with our dogs, and no car, living in this little house, and taking a cab into town 2 times a month for groceries. He lives upstairs, and I live downstairs.

It is kind of like just good roommates.

I like taking care of the house, and I cook and clean, because accomplishing tasks fulfills me. Plus, it gives me a needed feeling of contributing, and just being busy. I like to have my chores.

He does the lawn in the summer. And he shovels sometimes. But basically, I am wondering, "Is this all there will be?"

I mean, I am content. Safe, accepted, not threatened or abused or bullied. What I think, how I act, if I clean or not - all is accepted. That is huge. Being accepted for myself. But I kind of want some invisible more. He says I do this every winter because I get cabin fever.

I would like to put some dreams of something more on his lap, and have some feeling of hope for new stimuli. I would like to think that we are aimed at something, instead of just gaming and computers and living off my social security disability check. It would be nice if he got a job - even a temp job, to make it possible to buy more stuff. I would like just a little more. We usually end up fighting if I suggest it. I am not accepting him as he is. But, I can't work - well, I could and have begun to look, but I will never be able to work full time again. My disorders had gotten that bad. I understand my limits.

He also doesn't like me suggesting that he go to college, or anything about his life. So, year after year goes by and still we sit in the house, gaming. (We met online, on an MMORPG game).

I mean. I do love him. And, he loves me. And - we get along, but it is starting to feel like it isn't even marriage.

My ex (2nd husband) called me a week ago and basically invited me to join him in a retirement I would love. A motor home, travel. I think in his mind I am the one that got away. He outlines his pension, that he is fit still playing handball, that he will be set up quite nicely with a pension and ss, how much he has in savings and that he wants to buy a little motor home or camper, and travel around the country. That he misses me. My moods made things fun, and he would be leaving in June.

Basically he handed me my dream of retirement - but with the wrong leading man.

The only problem is, I don't love him. We get along. I like him. But the thought of having sex with him - blech. I had 7 years of no orgasm with him, and 10 years of no orgasm with the first husband. As rare as sex might be with this husband, at least I orgasmed nearly every time. Loving someone opened me up to allowing it.

I wouldn't mind the traveling. I even miss the super bowl with husband #2. We are nearer the same age - he is 10 years older then me, but I don't care about age. He is quite nice. He would be an equal, and it would be nice to be an equal instead of always the one handling everything. I could afford more. I could afford margaritas, and sit on a beach again.

He knew all the right things to say. I wanted that dream, but with husband #3 - who doesn't have that dream at all. He doesn't want travel, he just wants what we have here. He says this is a castle. Am I a fool? I never understood those people who could marry for money or position. Yet, here I sit, looking over the fence and thinking that grass looks mighty green.

The idea of living in society again. Living some life of more then just sitting here on a couch with a husband upstairs that I talk to a few times a day...

What is this?

Am I even married?

With my issues, I do like a lot of alone time. Alone time calms me down. The house is very quiet. I am alone maybe 22 hours a day or more. Cumulatively, I like it - it is restful, but it is also boring, and sometimes lonely. But then, sometimes, spending time with my husband is tiring. I can only take people in short spurts. When we do have a chat about once a week, it might be 2 hours. But there is very little interaction.

But, I am married to someone who has garbage on the floor of his room. He is stuck in some place. He really needs to be challenged.

But who am I to say that? I am not his mother. If that is what he chooses, isn't that respecting him and accepting him as he is? Maybe, - maybe marriage and relationships don't have a specific definition.

We work.

If my ex hadn't called me, I wouldn't be thinking about him.

I wish this husband had a little more giddy up.

I am more energetic then my husband, even though he is so much younger then me. I like to make thoughts and plans, and goals. But on my disability check, none of these things can come true. He says I do this every winter. Start complaining about wanting something more, and getting cabin fever.

I wrap my world around making him every pleasure I can from my life. I try to make sure he has soda, and chips. And I make the meals he likes. But, I don't feel the effort is reciprocated. I enjoy thinking of ways to please him, and he enjoys being pleased. If I wanted more happiness for myself, he tells me to find it. He says he doesn't make me do kind things for him, and if we can't afford soda for him, why do I buy it? I am not allowed to ask him to clean those rooms up there. We agreed to that this year. That I won't try to control his space. Also, I may not clean his areas.

I do feel loved. And I feel loving toward him. I feel like we work. But, I don't know what to call us. I guess, marriage is anything 2 people want it to be. People work out their own needs and rules.

Am I a fool?

It is the Super Bowl this weekend. I miss what my ex and I did on Super Bowl weekend. We had rituals. Holiday, and event rituals that older people do. Christmas trees, and hot wings on Super Bowl Sunday. This husband doesn't even like ritual events or holidays.

I do miss my 2nd husband at times. I even miss my first husband when something needs fixing. Both my first 2 husbands were old fashioned men who found projects. My current husband - well, doesn't find things to do. He did teach himself computer programming, and he makes music and games.

Am I married? Or ..... did I somehow surround my life with my children, and find a permanent replacement for them? Am I living a life of a perpetual Mom with no husband? Is that, for me, what I wanted?

It would be nice to be married to my ex again. For some things. Like, just having a man to count on for being the one with the final say. Being taken out to dinner.

Maybe I am just being bored, BPD, and wanting some excitement.

I don't want to make a mistake, and have more lost years I regret. I want to give genuine love, and I get to do that with this husband. I truly love him and want to help give him a happy life. But, having some kind of 'more' would be nice too.

I like this husband, but waiting for him to grow up is taking a lot more years then I thought it would. I don't understand why he thinks we are married, and why this is happiness for him. He thinks this is a castle, and we are so well off. He could never want more.

Usually, I find things to occupy myself, and I try to not want more too. In the summer, I can keep myself distracted.

But to have someone call me on the phone and offer a silver platter with my dreams.

But, I wouldn't want to leave my 3rd husband. He is the only one I loved.

I will keep waiting I guess. Waiting for my dreams to come true with this husband. Or, as I decided last week - I will try to change my dreams. Maybe, I have the wrong dreams of retirement. I have always been a traveler, and a wanderer. It is nice, having some stability. For me, with BP and BPD, stability feels boring sometimes. But, maybe other people might want more, even without those disorders.

My life just feels a little bit too small for me. Just a little.

I just want a little more money, to be able to maybe plant a little garden, and it would be nice to paint the shed without having to worry and scrimp over where I will get the $70 to do it. It would be just nice to be able to buy more things here and there to have a bit more joy in life. I wish my husband wanted a little more.

Am I wasting my years? Am I married? Is learning to be content with less going to eventually be reached? How do I unlearn an old dream? Statistics do not look good for a marriage of 24 years apart, and I am certainly not getting any younger. If this husband leaves me in 3 years, will I spend the rest of my life alone in this house, having missed a great opportunity to travel with a peer? Being left up in no mans land with nothing but taxi drivers to mingle with?