[Matt29]

Hello people,

I hope everyone is doing okay, I just thought I'd introduce myself and tell a little bit about my struggle. My name is Matt, I'm 25 and was recently diagnosed with BPD, it was kind of a rough patch to go by but it also made me feel better about all these answers I have been looking for.
I was affected quite a lot actually, all that anxiety and all these panic attacks, especially in relationships. I have been alone for years, I always felt unable to have relationships and still feel traumatized by last ones which were years ago. I feel very good about myself but feel unsafe, uneasy with my family and people who try to get close to me.
The thought of someone loving me makes me freak out.. as in feeling paralyzed and panicking. But, it is quite the contradiction because I also feel pulled by those who do like me, even tho I can't stand them.
And yet, it is quite funny because I'm a very social and loving person...go figure... I like people and they like me back, I just can't deal with these connections as well as I would, I feel so ashamed of myself it is very wearing.

I have a reasonable amount of friends which I chose very carefully over time. And Id say its fine, as long as they don't try to get too close. Some of them I wouldnt mind. Others? Not so much! As for women... Oh my, I just keep pushing them away.. I did kinda have feelings for one recently, but she was much older than I am and had a boyfriend grrrr..and I probably would have ****ed it up in some way, and I think I did... She hasnt been answering to my texts anymore kinda sad, we had a nice complicity... Anyway I need to concentrate on myself, even tho I feel like I've been doing this forever and I kinda lust for closeness. Thing is, another girl happened to show up out of nowhere, I don't want to get in the details but... We cuddled and kissed...which is... Apocalyptic for me. I was so so scared but luckily I was already buzzed on endorphin from working out plus that crazy amount of oxytocin for cuddling... I can't remember the last time I cuddled. Anyway....the day after.. I had an adrenaline rush at breakfast, so close to a panic attack. I felt so terrorized and then I spent 3 hours in bed, my body shaking... Im so happy I didn't have nightmares tho!

Anyway, guess I needed to talk about it, wondering if it would be a sign of post traumatic stress, because of my...other experiences, which I'm a little ashamed to talk about. Thank you so much for reading, it means a lot.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Matt: I'm sorry I am not really able to comment with regard to your concern. However, since this appears to be your introductory post... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

[spongie]

Hey Matt, thanks for your post
I don't know if it's the same feeling/behavior you are talking about, but I happen to be a very social and loving person also (well, not when social phobia pops in), however it has become over time very hard for people to get really close to me. I am absolutely terrified of the thought of someone loving me. I had a boyfriend for a year and a half until last december, and we had to break up partly because I developed relationship OCD (don't know if you've heard about it, but yeah, OCD linked to relationships, basically) and it drove me to doing several panic attacks a day.

Luckily, I only developed ROCD with him, so I guess in romantic relationships, and not with friends for instance. But when I look at myself when I'm in school, in social situations, I feel like I'm building walls between myself and others. I'm kind to everyone, I also feel like I love everyone somehow (sorry, may sound really cheesy ), and really like sharing love and helping others out. But I don't really let people in. I'm really bad in situations like parties and going for drinks. I didn't use to be though...but I became like that, I somehow feel very useless and ashamed of myself, which saddens me a lot because I know deep inside I'm a big partying girl...but I believe and hope it will get better.

I feel you...when you say "I like people and they like me back, I just can't deal with these connections". It's really how I feel.

And with my family, it's terrible. I really can't communicate easily. But I love them so much. And worse is, being unable to communicate makes me feel so guilty.

Anyway, I don't think my comment really helps, haha! Just wanted to react to your post because it made sense to me and I can relate. I hope you're having a good day. I don't know where you live and what time it is for you but for me it's nighttime, so I also wish you a good night

lots of strength!