[spongie]

Hey,

So this is eventually going to be by introductory post.
My name is Melody, I'm french (yay!), and live in the Netherlands, but luckily I also speak English fluently and it happens there are very few french speaking forums about BPD...

I'm 23. Been going through several (constant?) roller coaster rides since eight years now. Started with anorexia for five years, which I managed to fully recover from, but then understood it was only a subterfuge...for something else, that I could not control, and that is called as you know, BPD.
Funny fact is it was first diagnosed during my last hospitalisation in an ED clinic, then that diagnosis was kinda forgotten as I saw another psychiatrist who disbelieved I suffered from it. I was then diagnosed bipolar, which I personally never believed in, only to be "un"-diagnosed and "re" diagnosed borderline in the end, which is to me the only relevant diagnosis I have ever had. (well, of course anorexia could not be denied neither)

However it is a diagnosis that took me terribly long to accept. As a matter of fact, I only just started to accept it.
Back in my last hospitalisation in 2014 I was put on lithium and risperdal, then I never knew if it was the meds, or just me, or both, but I ended up regaining a lot of mental strength and I have to stay I had two pretty brilliant years afterwards, where I could finally lead a "normal" life again even though of course some symptoms remained... but they were livable, and I even met a wonderful guy by the end of 2015 with whom I had my first relationship. Which means a lot, because back in the teenage years I was absolutely incapable of being in healthy romantic relationships, that deep fear of abandonment always quickly ****ed everything up if I may say.
But yeah, I met him, first person to ever fall in love with me I think, which was a big deal for me of course. I realised with him how insanely terrified I am of love that is directed towards me.

I developed ROCD pretty quickly in our relationship; only the first year approximately it did not do much wrong to our couple. But it managed to grow stronger and stronger, until by last June panic attacks came back again, pretty insidiously. Panic attacks, social anxiety, and slowly I had to welcome back each of the symptoms I had thought to be free from.
He was an angel to me the first semester of this academic year. I almost lived with him, and even though I was mostly in a terrible state, he tried to help me as much as he could. I've always turned all my behaviors and emotions against myself, never to the others, or barely ever, but when I do it usually means things are REALLY becoming out of control. So I never deliberately hurt him, been angry at him, not anything like that. But we broke up, because he could not see me in that state anymore; he still loves me, but also tells me it has become impossible for him to bare seing me as changed as he finds me now, constantly either fighting against crippling anxiety and thoughts that everyone is against me, or against depressive and suicidal thoughts.

I'm doing everything that is currently possible for me to get better. I am seing a psychoanalyst since September as well as a psychiatrist, was put back on lithium two days ago, and will be starting DBT in one or two months depending on the waiting list. It will be my first time, and I am really looking forward to it.

I think I just realized what it means to have BPD. When I was diagnosed at first I really didn't believe in it, also because in my surroundings I've always heard stuff that this disorder doesn't exist, that it's just a name given to symptoms "everybody has", well you know, the typical ******** you can hear about BPD. At least in France we hear it.
I never took it seriously somehow, while when I was thought to be bipolar I did take it very seriously.
And now I get it. And as hard as it is, it is also good. Because I'm finally understanding I'm not a monster. I'm not crazy. I'm not a "manipulative drama queen", as my head often tells me.

But I also know I'm not accepting it already. I'm fighting against it, but what's the use? It's like I'm trying to push it away. But it won't go, it will heal. And I need to understand that.

But I feel ready to help myself. As hard as it is, because currently I am almost constantly fighting suicidal thoughts, deep anxiety and social phobia. But I'm in love. I'm in love with my ex and I won't accept to lose him. He has been the best thing that has happened to me since years, and I want to help myself, for me of course, for my family, and especially for him and for all the amazing time we have been able to spend together before OCD and anxiety first popped in.

I will be going to school tomorrow. I've decided that today actually. My psychiatrist told me he wants me to go every day, even if it is a total disaster. He thinks I need to accept that things may sometimes be a total disaster. And he's right. So I'm kinda petrified right now, it's 10pm here and I don't know how I'm gonna deal with...seing people, talking to people, even just saying hello how are you. And working. I have no concentration whatsoever.
Trying to tell myself it's maybe gonna be a total disaster and that that's okay. And it will be, right?

Anyway, thanks for reading. I was long.
And cheers

[Skeezyks]

Hello spongie: Since this is your introductory post... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit. (Hope you made it to school today & that it was okay...)

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!