No Sense of Self

When I took the sanity quiz and it highlighted BPD that came as a shock. For someone who LOVED studying psychology in school it's funny how every single thing I THOUGHT about myself was wrong. Like every single thing.

I was about to say "the thing that has been MOST detrimental" but I don't think I can say that. I don't even know what my BIGGEST problem is and right now I don't have the money to see a therapist. My therapist has offered to see me for free (here and there) but I haven't even followed up with him since the last time he reached out. He will again. I've been busy with school.

Here's the thing that I'm wondering if ANYONE else can relate...does anyone else feel like they have no clue who the fvck they really are?

I used to think that the reason I wasn't where I think I should be at this stage in my life was because of my ADHD. My impulsivity led to a lot of bad choices. Now I just feel like I'm not where I want to be because I have no effing clue where I want to be.

I'm technically married though I told my husband I want out. We don't live together. I probably shouldn't have been gotten in that relationship. I nearly lost my best friends making that choice for this relationship.

I'm in school. Just finishing requirements but my intention is to study criminology. I THINK I want to start my own re-entry program for ex-offenders. I THINK I want to get the laws fixed so that minorities and poor folks don't get the shaft.

But I go over and over in my head as to what i want. What I need. I don't kow. I feel like I'm afraid to make a move - ANY move because I don't know what the hell I really want.

Right now I do dog walking. I go in the middle of the day to all of these nice houses and take dogs for walks and I think, "I want a house like this." Other days I just want to build my own skoolie (schoolbus RV conversion) and I want to be able to do what I want. I then wonder if I'm wanting the skoolie because I don't think I can have the house? What about my ambitions? I want to start my own re-entry program? I can't even keep my own life on track and I'm supposed to help other people do that? Why do I want that? Do I want to help people? Or is it because I want to start the program so that I can prove that I'm SOMEBODY? If someone gave me ONE WISH, would I wish for that program or would I wish for my name in lights like I wanted ever since I was a kid?

I've been functional in society. And the entire time I was doing it I felt like I was faking it which made me feel like a fraud and HATE being there.

Over the holidays I had lunch with my 2 best confidantes. My sister and my friend Jeanne. And Jeanne said to me that I just need to figure out my...can't remember the word. NEED basically. She was talking about how she could live in a shack in the woods so long as there was electricity and running water but she knew her husband would need more. She told me I just need to figure out what I need and I don't know. Not only do I not know, but trying to sort it out - to ponder the question brings me to hysterics.

I've WISHED for an intervention. Part of me wishes I could be locked in a psych ward with intensive therapy so I could just have the time to sort all of this out and another part of me is sure that under those circumstances I'd NEVER come home.

Does anybody else know what I'm talking about?

Definitely. I would be thrilled if someone would study me along with me, but I want to know about me and not about the person anyone can see in the mirror.

I used to have an old bus that was partly converted and I definitely miss it.

Be sensible and do as you wish while staying within reality and without *ever* doing something just because everyone else seems to be doing it.

It's exhausting. I can barely have a conversation with my sister without crying. Our conversations often turn deep and it doesn't take much to get me going. Sometimes just hearing what she's up to - the fact that she seems to KNOW where she's going - talking to her - that realization will come to me and then I'll cry because I realize I have no clue where I am or where I'm going. And if for a fleeting moment I think I know where I want to go then I'll just cry because I'm certain I'm not equipped to get there. I think it's all just made worse by the fact that I'll be 46 years old this month and I feel like I have NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT.

I choke up constantly. Songs on the radio, TV shows. If the subject drifts anywhere near the ideas of self-worth or potential I'm tapping out.

I wonder what it's like to feel OK in your own skin.

Some people seem to make things happen, some people just go with the flow and the remainder of us wonder what is really going on. Someone once told me we could all soak our fists in a bucket of water for a lifetime and then pull them out quickly to see the kinds of impressions we leave behind. Both consciously and sub-consciously, I spend most of my time doing things to try to distract myself (or to keep me distracted) from wondering how the life of such an intense person could so often seem so meaningless. I have always wanted to be part of something somewhere and never seemed to get there, and yet I would not want to be anyone but me even though I know that means I might never fit anywhere anyway.

I think it would be great if people like us could form our own little community for working together at being certain everyone has a sense of worth, and I encourage you to just relax as best you can for now and while waiting and watching for something like that to come.

Yes, another uncomfortable soul here.

On one level, I really need a lot of emotional support, but I can't tell you why. More often than not, my emotions are like a blasted scorched wasteland. People all around are laughing, smiling and going on with life, and I sit there with the brooding black cloud.

Isn't it frustrating when people tell you to figure out what you want or need? It's well-meaning, I'm sure, but getting in touch with a psyche that has been repeatedly invalidated is harder than finding the Holy Grail. You are not alone in this, by any means.