Humpty Dumpty Fell Off The Wall...

Just found out last weekend my Father has a tumor the size of a baseball on his liver. They did a biopsy. It's cancer. We've had a love-hate relationship all my life but all I feel is love now and deep sadness. My father is dying. My father is a huge personality, a huge impact, he never loses, yet he is dying. It's blowing me away.

My best friend is jealous of my new boyfriend and is trying to break us up in subtle ways. Saying bad things about him to me to make me question the relationship. It's backfiring. I don't want to be around her anymore. She is bossy, manipulative and controlling, yet she was a good friend and now I'm having to distance myself. I don't seem to be able to stand up to her so now I have to go away. I told my bf what she said and he took up for her! This really hurt.

Im going through a period of spiritual seeking, Im reading new books, trying to glean wisdom. My boyfriend didn't like one of the books I ordered. It was Pagan. He thought it was evil. I explained that Pagan was nature Gods and various religion and deities and not evil, he just didn't know but I felt censored.

I am just getting sober again after yet another relapse-10 days Yay.

Yesterday I shoplifted a brick red lipstick pencil from the pharmacy. I haven't done this in 15 years. I had lost an expensive MAC one previously in Ireland and thought because of that I deserved not to have to pay for a new one. I felt I was going to hell anyway, would ask God for forgiveness later and quickly put it in my wallet and walked out. I have felt very guilty and ashamed. I did tell my sponsor in AA and she laughed and said we would make it up.

Last night I wanted to drink and take pills but I knew I could not. My father didnt sound good on the phone. He is high on pain pills and thank God for them. I cut my wrists. My boyfriend is upset about it but I needed a release so I self harmed. That's what I woke up to this morning My poor wrist. I'm a mess. I fell off the wall. I am broken. I'm afraid my boyfriend will leave me now.

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. It is a lot to handle.

Mobius, thanks for replying. I was beginning to think no one on this forum cared about me. I appreciate at least you took the time.

In our eyes, you're a filial daughter who shares a connection and love with her father and that is something that touched my heart.

Please don't give in like this, I have faith you can make a firm decision at a time like this. You're a tough person deep down, you got to do overcome this because there is no way to avoid.

I'm with you. Fear no one

Yes Lonlin, fear nothing and no one. F.E.A.R Fasle Evidence Appearing Real...right? Sometimes it's not fear that motivates me but pain and I want escape or numbness from the pain, hence the use of alcohol and drugs in my life. But opening the cap off a liquor bottle releases a demon, guess that's why they're called spirits...no good, always a bad trip, same as pills and other substances. I can no longer fool myself into thinking, this time it will be diffferent.

As far as my Father, he is in good humor, is still enjoying his life and taking it one step at a time. Hasn't given up, so why should I cave to the blade?

Thank you for replying Lonlin, thanks for your words of strength.