[IntentOnHealing]

Hello,

May I please ask a question about how to deal with being cut off by my best friend? She has the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder and has been working very hard in therapy, was always very honest, and, quite frankly, I just adored her. We first met and were good friends in high school, then lost touch until about 2012. When she abruptly ended our relationship without warning, my therapist pointed out that doing things like this are often common in those who suffer from Borderline. But he's talking from knowledge, not experience. I am hoping to get some insight/advice from people who actually have this if you don't mind, and that's why I'm posting here today. Here's the story, in brief:

After four years of us being really close (hanging out with each other or at least calling or texting one or more times a week), she completely cut off communication with me last October. I supported her in her journey the whole time we were friends (listening without judgment, chauffeuring her kids, cleaning her house, listening without judgment, visiting in hospital, taking to hospital, listening without judgment, yes I know I"m repeating, etc.).

Yet, when I became seriously ill for the first time in our relationship (I have bipolar 1), and did things that are inappropriate and hurtful (but not to her), out of character for me, but common with people who are sick with my disorder, she said, "You're not the person I thought you were!" and dumped me without discussion. This after my husband told her how sick I was. Her dumping me...It was extremely sudden, didn't reflect her normal conversational style (she was previously very articulate and assertive), and has absolutely broken my heart.

She has blocked me on her phone, Facebook, doesn't answer emails, or voicemails and has never once given me the chance to discuss or explain this. I am just now--after more than fifteen months of severe illness--feeling well enough to begin to grieve this loss--and consider possibly contacting her by letter. I imagine the chances are good she won't reply.

What ideas do you have about this? Do you need more info to be able to give me your opinion? Can you help me? What are your thoughts?

Thank you so much...

[lightbulb_cake]

Hi Julie,

*hugs* I'm sorry to hear about that. I know you must've felt extremely rejected and heartbroken after that. Friendships can be very intense; I hope after 15 months you are feeling better.

Context: I've exhibited extreme BPD traits during my first and only relationship. I don't exhibit those traits so much outside of that relationship, so my official diagnosis is "probably not bpD until it becomes a trend", but I feel like I can answer...

First, while BPD has a number of common symptoms and traits, no two people are alike. People are complex and individual, so while she has BPD, keep in mind that is only one part of her.

I feel like it's hard to answer without more details about what things you did that were out of character / inappropriate and hurtful, but I have the following thoughts:

- Was there more? Did you have falling outs? Don't just think of the most recent thing
- Was she struggling with certain topics, that you ended up doing or being involved in? (Hypothetically, not saying you would do this!! say she got cheated on, and then you told her that you cheated on your husband, for example)
- Was she dealing with major emotional or life crisis at the point? Things on her side can easily manifest / creep into your relationship with her, even if there's no relation

I feel like you should write a letter to her, even if she doesn't respond. You don't even have to send it. I think it will help yourself.

Unfortunately, sometimes you have to accept closure, even in the form of no closure. No friendships are alike, but sometimes things come to an end, and it's important to be grateful for what was and not dwell on what it could be (but isn't).

Best

[bluestar1]

Just let it go.

[LittleEarthquakes]

I don't think you should try contacting her anymore in any form. If she wants to talk she will approach you. It is sad that happened. I struggle really hard keeping friends.

[Daeva]

There's nothing to be done. I've done this quite a few times, and the more they tried to contact me the angrier and more annoyed I got until I DID contact them but only to say the most horrible hurtful things I could and then ended with me saying, "Do you need a clearer picture of how much I don't want you in my life anymore?"

Just leave her alone. Sometimes it's just over and it hurts alot. And thats all thats left of it. Just remember what she did add to your life that was positive and carry that with you as you go.

[Cinderinder]

I know it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but Daeva is right. The more you try and interact with this person, the more they are going to hurt you. I am speaking from experience.

[bluestar1]

Originally Posted by Cinderinder

I know it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but Daeva is right. The more you try and interact with this person, the more they are going to hurt you. I am speaking from experience.

Nobody can hurt you without your consent. That said - why even go there. Why not just respect someone moving on with their life which has nothing to do with BPD or anything bad or sick - it's setting a boundary. WTH does this have to be something that needs to be debated? Just respect her wishes and move on - grieve if you want - but sheesh - let the world continue to spin.

[IntentOnHealing]

Thank you. If you expressed compassion and/or offered heartfelt/objective/honest advice--it is more appreciated than you know.

I am also really grateful to all of you for the time you took to read my post and consider your answer.

Best of luck in your travels--