[jjh78]

Just a few days ago my girlfriend was given a diagnosis of BPD. It opened both of our eyes to explain how she has reacted to various situations and toward me. It could also have contributed to her cutting off virutally all of her friends.

She has started to receive individual therapy from a new therapist twice a week. Today was her second day of what was a very intense session, which left her emotionally exhausted.

I gave her time to calm down after the session. And things were going well for much of the night. But I could see her frustration bubbling up after finding a leak under her bathroom sink and the sound of my dog sniffing under my bedroom door -- we were watching television in her room. When she started to get mad over the dog sniffing I told her I was going to go ahead and go to bed because she was starting getting upset over my dog doing as they're wont to do. One of the sites I read in how to difuse situations with people suffering with BPD before they get bad suggests to remove yourself from the situation and explain with short sentences why you're doing so. This didn't go over well.

She got angry at me for leaving, saying "that's just great." I tried to calm her down again but it didn't work. It got to the point where we both started shouting at each other. I'm ashamed to admit it but I believe I was the first one to raise my voice. I hate myself for that. I calmed down and told her I was sorry for yelling at her but the damage was done for the night.

This is an incredible struggle for her. I know this and have done whatever I can to support her well before she found out what has been going on inside herself. But I can't discount my feelings either. The walking around on eggshells. Wondering which version of her I would get when I come home from work. Constantly looking at my cell phone to see if she texted me with any problems throughout my day. It takes a toll.

I'm willing to do whatever it takes to help her get well. I love her. But I desperately need advice on how to improve myself in how I handle the episodes when they come up. She deserves that. I deserve it too. I just want to make the both of us happy.

[Skeezyks]

Hello jjh78: Kudos to you for your efforts in this most difficult situation. I don't know as I have much of anything to offer here. However I saw no one had replied to your post. So I thought I would.

I've never been diagnosed as having BPD. (Actually I've never received a diagnosis from any of the mental health professionals I've seen over the years.) But I have often thought there was a time I could have been diagnosed as having BPD... probably not anymore. BPD tends to burn itself out as a person ages, I've been told. And I've definitely aged! One thing I do still have, though, is your gf's frustration & anger.

The difference between your gf & me though, it sounds like, is that when I get frustrated & angry, I just want to be left alone. And if I'm not... this just incenses me all the more! I could certainly see, however, where the advice you read about on the internet could inflame an already delicate situation.

Unfortunately I don't know if I really have any great alternative solutions to offer you here especially since I obviously don't know your gf & don't know how she might or might not react to things. My personal thinking with regard to this would be that even though two people, for example, might both have the same diagnosis, they are still both individuals. And what might work for one, might just inflame the other.

So my thinking with regard to this is that, if you can, you're going to have to find out from your gf how she does & does not want you to respond when she's frustrated & angry; if this is something she has insight into. If not, perhaps this is one thing she should work on with her therapist. (At some point, some couples counseling might be of some benefit if you can arrange for it.) The thing is... I hope you can find a way not to feel too badly about how you are handling these situations. I know from my own experiences that when I'm "in a state", so to speak, trying to be of any help or comfort to me must be excruciatingly difficult. I wish you both well...

[Trippin2.0]

The disengaging to diffuse my imminent explosions worked for me, difference is, I knew my bf was disengaging and why.

If he had just randomly exited or ended a conversation that would have made things a gazillion times worse.

Like the Skeezyks says, communicate, ask her how she'd like to be supported and discuss different methods together.

My bf and I even had an emotional safety word at one point, if I was heading in the wrong direction he'd say or text "peaches" and I'd know I needed a timeout and to really think about how I wanted to proceed.

See problem with everyone is, we tend to think, feel, act and thus live in our emotional minds when an upset happens, but for us borderliners, we are without that little window to allow rational mind to intervene before we react, IME rational mind only kicks in once we've calmed the eff down.

My bf helped me create that window, it was hard and painful at times, but necessary and I saw his actions for what it was, an act of love and patience.

Without communication and understanding, you'll just turn into another person she needs to cut off...

[crimsoncat]

Nothing to add except good luck and she's lucky to have you!

[Pastel Kitten]

Do you know if she responds well to hugs/affection while irritable? Personally when I'm starting to feel really frustrated and my emotions are spiraling out of control, a hug can diffuse me a bit. I think that showing affection even if it's not your natural instinct while feeling angry, can be helpful since it's the complete opposite of anger. If you respond with anger, it definitely can cause things to get worse. It's happened with my boyfriend and I so many times. I know some people really hate being touched while angry so even if you don't hug her, you could tell her something sweet like how much you love her and that you understand she's frustrated but that everything will be okay (doesn't have to be verbatim to that, but just an example). Maybe try to ease her focus back to the activity you're both doing in the present moment. It's great that you're taking the time to work on your reactions to her heightened emotional responses to things, to improve communication. Not every partner does that!

[jjh78]

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

Do you know if she responds well to hugs/affection while irritable? Personally when I'm starting to feel really frustrated and my emotions are spiraling out of control, a hug can diffuse me a bit. I think that showing affection even if it's not your natural instinct while feeling angry, can be helpful since it's the complete opposite of anger. If you respond with anger, it definitely can cause things to get worse. It's happened with my boyfriend and I so many times. I know some people really hate being touched while angry so even if you don't hug her, you could tell her something sweet like how much you love her and that you understand she's frustrated but that everything will be okay (doesn't have to be verbatim to that, but just an example). Maybe try to ease her focus back to the activity you're both doing in the present moment. It's great that you're taking the time to work on your reactions to her heightened emotional responses to things, to improve communication. Not every partner does that!

My instinct is to want to hug her or just rub her shoulders to try and calm her down. Unfortunately, she cannot stand to be touched when in angry. I will try to talk her down with sweetness when the next episode occurs.

I've noticed that most of her blowups happen during the night at home. I don't exactly know why but she piles everything that is going wrong in life at the moment (has no job - quit due to BPD, has no money, the shame of having me take care of the finances) to where it is overloading her mind. I sometimes can get her to calm down. Other times I have to just let the anger run its course.

One thing I have noticed over the last few months since she left her job is that she has become more distant. She's not as affectionate. She'll say she loves me, but it doesn't sound the same as it once did -- I don't know if that makes sense or not. When I suggested we just stay home, watch tv and cuddle during Valentine's Day, she said that she didn't want to be intimate and was uncomfortable with herself. It's hard not to take that personally, but I guess I need to understand her position more.

[jjh78]

I've noticed over the past couple of days, yesterday specifically, that she seemed quite distant to me. It felt as though we weren't dating at all.

She began reading up on her illness in a book, pointing out the whole "walking on eggshells" thing I alluded to start this thread. I'm guessing something within the book triggered her as she then went into the house to shower and proceeded to rearrange her bedroom for the umpteenth time.

I tried to get her to go out to take her mind off of things, but she was content to stay home and sleep around 4 in the afternoon.

I do admit it was nice to go out with my friends for a night, but I felt a different vibe from her when I got home.

I'm still feeling this out, so I'm not sure if this is a typical issue with BPD. I feel like she is starting to try to push away out of shame again. Need to address it with her tonight if she's feeling OK.

[Travelinglady]

I had BPD and was cured. But I was high-functioning. Encourage her to get into DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy).

And, she should not be reading "Walking on Eggshells." It will trigger her. It's for other people, not borderlines. Of course, she won't want to hear that.

[jjh78]

Hi, Travelinglady

That is fantastic to hear you were cured -- it gives me hope that she will beat it once and for all in time.

I actually bought that book the moment she told me she was diagnosed. Getting started to read that now after a book for myself on building shame resilience. She did say she wants to read it, but now I'm going to explain that it may not be the right thing for her to look through. I do wonder what did trigger her yesterday whilst reading.

She is currently undergoing DBT right now. Her therapist has her recording everytime she feels like she's losing control and the feelings that went with the moment. I'm believing that will be a painful thing for her to relive those moments, but it can only serve to shed light on the issue.

[jjh78]

It seems like I can't seem to get out of my own way.

Yesterday was a bad day for her with issues regarding her unemployment and trying to find a job whilst undergoing treatment.

She was kind enough to give my dogs a bath. She tried clipping their nails and cut one nail shorter than needed, causing it to bleed. She was distraught. I tried to calm her down but wasn't all that successful.

After taking her out for the evening, we get back to the house and the pup's claw is still bleeding a bit. I told her that some baking powder will work in a pinch since we didn't have styptic powder for the cut, so not to worry. She wasn't having any of it.

I tried making a joke of it, but she didn't like it and thus started another fight. A fight that ended with her pretty much telling me it's over and she'll pay me for what I've covered since she's been unemployed.

At least both of our therapist sessions are today. Should make them pretty lively.

I'm positively gutted right now. I want to be there for her, but this just makes the entire living situation awkward as can be.

I don't expect anyone to give me any advice. This is just me venting and fighting the urge to cry.

[crimsoncat]

Hi i know you said you didn't want advice but i could not say nothing after reading this and you can choose to ignore anything i say !!! i just wanted to say that people with this diagnosis generally feel things very deeply so the incident with nail cutting would upset anybody but multiply that by . ten at least for how much it upset her .seriously i know its hard to imagine but you wouldn't make a joke about someone who had just suffered something like a bereavement would you? Do you understand what I'm saying it was not your fault ,i have been with my h for 6 yrs and he is still learning about the condition it takes time ,having said that i have not had any treatment hopefully the dbt will help.

[jjh78]

I wish I would have read this two days ago. She had another major outburst that there was no way to talk her back down from that I could find. I tried to make a joke to lighten the mood but it was absolutely the wrong thing to do.

I never raised my voice to hear during the exchange, which I believe she wanted to get out of me.

I could smell the wine on her breath and told her that it wasn't a good idea to go out as upset as she was... I went as far as to say I would be forced to contact the authorities to look for her on the road as she was driving drunk. This probably broke things beyond repair.

I feel stupid.

She hasn't spoken to me in two days. Ignored my existence for the whole of today and was not home when I got back from some time out with my friends.

Why do I feel like I'm doing the absolute worst job at this?

[crimsoncat]

Oh ,I wish I could hug you right now ,it's bloody hard that's why,we are dammed hard work ,but we don't do it deliberately the confusion you are feeling ,she is feeling too , feel free to pm me anytime you want if I can help you I will,don't ever feel alone you are not

[crimsoncat]

P.s don't forget being newly diagnosed is probably making things much worse right now as it is hard to accept that you have this condition,certainly in the UK it carries a lot of stigma and misconceptions .

[StrawberryFieldsss]

Responding to your OP, I think it was saying to her that you were leaving because the dog was doing what dogs do. It may have felt to her that you were invalidating her feelings. Just a total guess, but I think a lot of borderlines were diminished whenever they expressed frustration over anything... or were told they were wrong... or someone else has it worse so therefore they shouldnt be feeling a certain way. Even if its not explicitly stated, it feels implied. Sometimes its nice to hear something like "I'm sorry youre feeling that way... can I help?" that will many many times diffuse it for me. This is just me personally maybe, but it gets me out of my own head somehow where I can then say.. "gosh, I'm sorry... I'm just feeling a little touchy right now" or something like that.

[BrianTx]

Are you me? this sounds exactly like what I am going through with my wife. I try to be patient and gentle, but often lose my temper and it really does feel like that is what her goal was. If I don't lose my temper, she accuses me of not caring and being disengaged. If I do lose my temper then she accuses me of being abusive. Its like I am in a no win situation. All I can say is I feel your pain.

[bluestar1]

The first thing you can do is validate her. That's probably the most important thing. If you don't meltdowns will ensue in one way or another.

The other is to stay optimistic, take care of yourself, set safe and gentle boundaries and limits. It's ok to say - this is not acceptable. Don't be a pushover - ever. If you show weakness, it's probably going to be used against you. Ultimately it would be a very good idea if you're serious about her and see a future together to go to therapy as a couple with someone familiar with the complexities of a relationship where one of the 2 has been severely traumatized.

[bluestar1]

How to Validate - Communication Skills
https://bpdfamily.com/content/commun...e-invalidating

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

The problem with BPD is we see things in terms of "all or nothing" and become very emotional. When it comes to relationships we almost instantly form a strong attachment - and the minute we get the "nothing" feeling in some kind of decision or look or etc - extreme emotions can arise - if from there it tenses into an argument - fear of abandonment comes into play... If at that point someone walks away to calm down or ends the relationship, the person with BPD can become very unstable.

All that being said - none of this is your fault nor your responsibility. Neither is it her fault - but it is her responsibility. You can, however, be a support to her - if she lets you. Some people with BPD will push anyone away that tries to support them in a healthy manner. Others openly invite it.

Things you can do to be supportive are:
Don't incite a situation if she becomes upset or combative verbally - just listen to her, let her wind down. Once she has done so - validate her but DO NOT allow her to believe this behavior was appropriate. Let her know you love her and you are willing to work anything through with her, but she needs to talk to you - not yell at you. (that means you can't start yelling at her first though either)

- make sure she knows you love her but also set boundaries of sorts "i need time to myself at times but its not because i dont love you, its just because i need time alone" etc

-when you hear her say stuff like "everyone always leaves me." correct her wording. Any absolute word should be changed to one that allows for exception. So... You would say:
"You mean 'Most people usually leave you.'? I am sorry to hear you feel that way. Can you tell me what happened to cause this feeling? You know I won't leave you, right?"

These are a few of the things that can help.

[Trippin2.0]

Excellent post!
S. P. O. T on!!!!

I love how you make me sound less crazy, like there's a method to this madness.

It took us lots of trial and error to reach the point you describe above, if only I had your post two years ago.

Enjoyed it, thanks COTM

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Excellent post!
S. P. O. T on!!!!

I love how you make me sound less crazy, like there's a method to this madness.

It took us lots of trial and error to reach the point you describe above, if only I had your post two years ago.

Enjoyed it, thanks COTM

Thank you so much. It took me a long time to figure out what exactly was going on with myself even after I was diagnosed - because neither counselors nor psychiatrists took any time to explain it. As a result, I was hospitalized about 10 times - 8 of which were from attempts. Finally, I gave up on the hope of finding out info from my docs and started research on my own - of the disorder, the treatments (especially DBT), and behaviours of those with BPD. Then I analyzed my own past and "observed" how I handled things at the current time. Eventually I started using some of the things I just mentioned on myself and I found the more I applied it, the easier life became. The hardest part - was getting in the habit of applying it when I wanted to rage, but now I am better able to deal though I do readily admit I still have things to improve upon.

Thank you for your compliment. ❤

[Trippin2.0]

You're welcome

Oh it does definitely take lots of practice.

After two years I've finally learned to NOT automatically push when i get scared.

My rage has been on a leash for a while now which I am super proud of!

My SO is a very adept explosives expert and has learned which wire is which in order to diffuse, and my daughter is the best motivation.

I'm proud to say I have not broken ANYTHING since 2015!

I also did most of my research in my own MH assistance proper ones are hard to come by...
But I've been fortunate enough to finally meet some knowledgeable Ts.

Sorry to the OP, I didnt mean to hijack your thread or make it about me me me, I was just blown away by how accurate and articulate COTM's feedback was. :0