[Daeva]

I am so sick and tired of people trying to fix me or as my friend has stated just now, "Steer you in a different direction." MAYBE JUST MAYBE I don't want to go in another direction? Do you ever think I'm perfectly okay wasting away to nothing, existing just to wait around and die? That is what I want, I have no will to actually live, I've tried to kill myself so many times and am just bad at it. So instead of the constant hospital trips, ambulance rides, psychiatric hospitals, I'm going to just exist as a breathing vessel who does nothing and wants nothing and doesn't freaking care.

I don't want a life, I don't want a friend, I don't want anything, so leave me alone about it *******. Just let me sit here and die slowly like a normal creature. Any other wild animal can just exist til they die, eat sleep and wait for death but suddenly cause you are invested in me--something I DID NOT WANT, I must be something I'm not. No thanks. I've checked out of life, I ain't coming back.

So stop it, or I stop communicating with you forever.

WHy is that so hard for people to grasp? it's a simple concept, let me be me.

[crimsoncat]

I hear you ,And I get It , but reading it hurt cos I know how it feels ,and I still can't help but want better for you (hugs) x

[mctone]

Isn't that all that any of us want? To be ourselves? Friends - who are real, caring friends - want the best for us, and we want the best for our friends. It's times when we feel at life's lowest that we reach out to others. I have been there; I know how it feels.

Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems like you are reaching out, hoping that maybe, just maybe, there's someone out there who cares enough to do nothing more than just hold your hand (so to speak, on here anyway), and tell you that it's okay for you to just be YOU. People try to change other people to be what they think it's best they become, but at the end of the day, what really matters is letting someone else know that you just care. That's all I'm saying - I care. I don't know you, never have spoken with you before, but I care enough to tell you that I have felt what you feel, and I know what it's like to have people try to make you into something they want you to be, not what you want to be. I guess the thing that helped me the most was letting go of what others wanted me to be, and just looking for what I wanted to be.

My life now has purpose, and meaning. Yours can too. You have to be the one to make it happen - all the good advise in the world can't make you become someone you don't want to be. Look for what you want to become - set a little goal, and try to reach it, and then set another little goal. Don't even try to set long-term goals, just make them simple; reachable. Doesn't matter how simple they are, that's not the point. I hope this makes a difference for you. Send me a message if you would like to talk more.

[subtle lights]

I think I understand. I mean, I've been there not long ago and it's not like I won't be back, possibly soon.
For me it's the pain of not being myself. But this, again, is not something one can come and "fix". Any fixing, even the fixing of suffering hurts. I know. As it has been said above, someone to just sit with you and your pain, just plain be there. Sometimes not even that. I don't know. Sometimes they just have to let us be in pain and slowly die (hopefully only metaphorically). I really get this.

[bluestar1]

Why don't you believe you're worth having happiness?

[Daeva]

Because I don't care. I don't want happiness, I just want to sit here and exist until I die.It's not a question of worth it's a question of do i want it? No.

[subtle lights]

Do you feel angry? I feel a lot of anger too lately...

[Daeva]

Only angry when someone tries to convince me to be something other than what I want. But angry bout other things? About how I am? No.

I am perfectly fine the way I am now. I feel like I've already died, that what was me is dead. And i'm just waiting for my body to catch up. So no, I feel no anger.

[bluestar1]

Originally Posted by Daeva

Because I don't care. I don't want happiness, I just want to sit here and exist until I die.It's not a question of worth it's a question of do i want it? No.

I know one thing and that it is pain talks and takes over. When that happens all the soul and inner child can do is stay hostage till something breaks.

Your pain side is talking. It's taken control of you. You can't make a decision because it's holding the reigns like a jailor to your cell. It doesn't want you to be free and well because then it will have to be subdued and weakened. Power is all it loves. And if there's pain and suffering, so be it.

That part of you that loves - is shut down and you don't trust so power is a good substitute for caring and love.

Just one question, was there a time in your life that you ever could love?

[Daeva]

Hmmm, I had to think about that one, Any love i felt for anyone for as long as I can recall has been fleeting and then gone. If I was asked do I love someone now? The answer would be yes, there is one person I do love. I don't want to cause it hurts to. I love him dearly, but he's married and it hurts to know that that one person I believe was meant for me is happily married with someone else and playing family and house with kids, with this other girl.

I could never break that up for them, and maybe this is another fleeting love but there's something about him that calms me and even in my darkest moments where I can barely ever be reached he can pull a genuine smile out of me and make me feel at peace, comfortable and at home all in one. And it doesn't take him forever, he doesn't even know he's doing it, It's so natural for him. For us.

But we can never be. I feel so much kinship with him like he's an anchor, a lighthouse, a wall of safety in a war for me. And he's the only one like that for me. So I get very jealous of his wife and his life with his family. And I selfishly think 'that could be me." and I hear all the time "It could be you if you tried, and got better and what not, you could find someone." but they don't understand. No one could EVER be like him to me. And they say "You dont know that how could you when you refuse to see people? When you refuse to go out?" etc.

But it's something I KNOW deep deep deep down. Like you know in your gut when something bad is going to happen or that feeling that someone is watching you and when you look up someone is. You just -know-. And I hear the 'if you were meant for each other you'll get together eventually' crap all the time, which is bs. Life isn't made pretty just for our convenience. It's never going to happen.

But the funny thing is, as I am feeling now, that isn't even the cause. It has nothing to do with it, it's simply a thing to be accepted and lived with. And compromising that I want him in my life so he can still be my shelter while knowing he can only be a friend. Which is not as much a struggle as I thought, there are only moment where the bitter jealous and sadnes about it overwhelm me but I sleep it off and Im okay the next day or the next moment he makes me smile.

This has just been a long time coming this shut down. I feel like the person I used to be has been demolished and everyone is trying to pick up the pieces and put the old me back together but halfway through they realized 'there's no putting her back together like she used to be' and so they did what they thought second best, which was 'lets put her back together so she can at least resemble a person, so she can at least live on her own and not attempt to kill herself'

like you know when you break a vase? You try to put it back like it was before but there are those pieces that'll never fit, so your choices are to throw it away or to get it as close as possible? They obviously couldn't throw me away (Though I wish they had thought that option over more), so they just tried their best to make it look like I was whole again but there's so many pieces missing i could never be me. And so many pieces missing it compromised the integrity of my entire mentality/stability, to the point where this collapse was only a matter of time.

And how are they going to glue me back together this time? I've tried ot keep myself together for so long, and I just keep cracking and snapping and falling apart. How many more pieces can I lose until I'm absolutely nothing?

I feel nothing in my future but a life as an emotional and mental vegetable.

[bluestar1]

Originally Posted by Daeva

Hmmm, I had to think about that one, Any love i felt for anyone for as long as I can recall has been fleeting and then gone. If I was asked do I love someone now? The answer would be yes, there is one person I do love. I don't want to cause it hurts to. I love him dearly, but he's married and it hurts to know that that one person I believe was meant for me is happily married with someone else and playing family and house with kids, with this other girl.

I could never break that up for them, and maybe this is another fleeting love but there's something about him that calms me and even in my darkest moments where I can barely ever be reached he can pull a genuine smile out of me and make me feel at peace, comfortable and at home all in one. And it doesn't take him forever, he doesn't even know he's doing it, It's so natural for him. For us.

But we can never be. I feel so much kinship with him like he's an anchor, a lighthouse, a wall of safety in a war for me. And he's the only one like that for me. So I get very jealous of his wife and his life with his family. And I selfishly think 'that could be me." and I hear all the time "It could be you if you tried, and got better and what not, you could find someone." but they don't understand. No one could EVER be like him to me. And they say "You dont know that how could you when you refuse to see people? When you refuse to go out?" etc.

But it's something I KNOW deep deep deep down. Like you know in your gut when something bad is going to happen or that feeling that someone is watching you and when you look up someone is. You just -know-. And I hear the 'if you were meant for each other you'll get together eventually' crap all the time, which is bs. Life isn't made pretty just for our convenience. It's never going to happen.

But the funny thing is, as I am feeling now, that isn't even the cause. It has nothing to do with it, it's simply a thing to be accepted and lived with. And compromising that I want him in my life so he can still be my shelter while knowing he can only be a friend. Which is not as much a struggle as I thought, there are only moment where the bitter jealous and sadnes about it overwhelm me but I sleep it off and Im okay the next day or the next moment he makes me smile.

This has just been a long time coming this shut down. I feel like the person I used to be has been demolished and everyone is trying to pick up the pieces and put the old me back together but halfway through they realized 'there's no putting her back together like she used to be' and so they did what they thought second best, which was 'lets put her back together so she can at least resemble a person, so she can at least live on her own and not attempt to kill herself'

like you know when you break a vase? You try to put it back like it was before but there are those pieces that'll never fit, so your choices are to throw it away or to get it as close as possible? They obviously couldn't throw me away (Though I wish they had thought that option over more), so they just tried their best to make it look like I was whole again but there's so many pieces missing i could never be me. And so many pieces missing it compromised the integrity of my entire mentality/stability, to the point where this collapse was only a matter of time.

And how are they going to glue me back together this time? I've tried ot keep myself together for so long, and I just keep cracking and snapping and falling apart. How many more pieces can I lose until I'm absolutely nothing?

I feel nothing in my future but a life as an emotional and mental vegetable.

Maybe this is your subconscious telling you that it's time to reinvent your life based on how you'd actually like it to be. Maybe that's what this is really all about. You don't want to repeat, that's understandable, you don't want to listen to other people's advice on how to do it, so it just seems that you want to change everything about who you are, you don't know how to do it and you're stuck in the pain.

When you wrote about your unrequited love, it sounded like you basically were never loved truly as you needed, your needs were left unmet, so this is the cycle you've repeated with pretty painful results. As someone on the internet with a few years of recovery behind me I can offer you some wisdom. That is basically, in order to love, you really do need to love yourself first. And to love yourself, you need a coach and a home team to be there for you to help you stay the course. Think of it less as a *fix* and much more of a rebirth.