[Ms.Lizette]

It is arguably going well with my new therapy (schema therapy).
I am normally against therapists, and I rarely trust they can help or that they care.

This therapist cares. And it scares the h** out of me.

I told him I feel bad about caring that he cares.
He said it is normal to care and that I should care.

I said I was afraid he will leave, die, change jobs, disappear.
He said: I am not going anywhere.

The fact is I like this T so much I wish he was my father. I want to be protected by him and never lose him. I want him to hug me and tell me everything will be OK. I feel so damn pathetic and bad about these fantasies.

I am trying to accept this process of therapy but it hurts so so much.

I hate caring and trusting because it always ends up bad and I end up alone and sad and scared

Wish I was strong and independent. Will this therapy work or will he be yet another thing I lose?

Scared.

[subtle lights]

I hope it will work out for you. I don't see why not. I think knowing that T cares is very important, maybe for everyone, but especially for people with BPD. I really wanted to hear my therapist telling me he cares and when he told me I felt like I was like a desert that has finally received a drop of water. I still remember him saying those words...Now I feel I need him to be closer and care more, though. In a way I'd like to have what you described with your T.
I have also the fear of getting close but I need it so badly...
Maybe we can learn to let people close but maintain our independence.

[Ms.Lizette]

Originally Posted by subtle lights

I hope it will work out for you. I don't see why not. I think knowing that T cares is very important, maybe for everyone, but especially for people with BPD. I really wanted to hear my therapist telling me he cares and when he told me I felt like I was like a desert that has finally received a drop of water. I still remember him saying those words...Now I feel I need him to be closer and care more, though. In a way I'd like to have what you described with your T.
I have also the fear of getting close but I need it so badly...
Maybe we can learn to let people close but maintain our independence.

I also feel this need to be closer and care more, and this is what is making me scared because I know he will start putting limits and I don't react well to limits

It is so hard. In many ways it feels like it is the way to heal, to trust, but easier said than done....

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by Ms.Lizette

I also feel this need to be closer and care more, and this is what is making me scared because I know he will start putting limits and I don't react well to limits

It is so hard. In many ways it feels like it is the way to heal, to trust, but easier said than done....

I think though, in my case at least, trust comes when I see the openness and the genuine caring from the other person. It makes sense to not trust someone who is too distant, I guess. But then there is this clinging that can happen, the fear that they would leave.
I hate limits too, but I'm usually respecting them because I don't want to scare the other person away or to seem desperate. I guess I respect limits sometimes out of fear so that the person will accept me.

[Ms.Lizette]

I guess I respect limits sometimes out of fear so that the person will accept me.

I guess I try to respect limits as well but then the neediness may come out in other ways, for example increase suicidal feelings or thoughts of self harm. Others may say it is manipulation, but I just really feel so much worse

I learned in schema therapy that this is some type of "pleasing mode"- we feel we need to please others to be loved. It is very hard because we have to push our true feelings back. So then the needs we have can't really be fulfilled.

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by Ms.Lizette

I learned in schema therapy that this is some type of "pleasing mode"- we feel we need to please others to be loved. It is very hard because we have to push our true feelings back. So then the needs we have can't really be fulfilled.

This is something I definitely do a lot. I wonder how to unlearn it. I think this is so automatic in my case, I function in this mode most of the time. I think it would feel like taking a huge risk not to "people please" anymore. I am so good at this pleasing that I even make it seem I'm rather hostile while in reality I'm in pleasing mode. Hard to explain.

[Unrigged64072835]

It's hard, when we've been broken by people who don't care, to accept caring as something besides a hidden agenda. It'll take time, but part of the process is building up the discretion to know who will care and who won't.