knife in my heart, knife in my back

i made myself high, now im happy

like i feel happy, its so nice not to feel pain and misery..

like, i just wish those things didnt happen to me.
its really not fair to have to live like this, there has to be a better way right?
its such a slippery slope, and im not going to think about it very much because im not trying to invite such feelings!

but finally... a sigh of relief, i can breathe

i just wish i could feel good all of the time, why cant i just feel good all of the time? be happy damnit!

im going to try to entertain myself and these good feelings, i just wanted to share..

experiencing these things is very confusing, one mustn't think much about it lest be sucked into the vortex of doom!

nah... **** this **** :/

i think im gonna quit therapy all together, atleast for now - i already know everything i need to know apparently, they all gonna tell me the same thing

How was your T appoinment? It's related with you wanting to quit therapy?

it was fine, i guess

i cried, of course, been doing alot of that lately

he talked about alot of things, talked for what seemed for ever, i think it was nearly 2 hours

basically ended up saying pretty much the same thing my current t is saying

i need to get out of my environment, too many triggers, im in the warzone; i cant get better as long as i am here

but there is no easy way out

this is ****ed up, im gonna **** **** up

re-writing the rule book, who needs the old one?

so i have a broken brain, traumatized, damaged, whatever, i dont care, bullhead the way though, i'll break the walls down stronghand - or die trying - i dont care anymore

now i wanna get high

now i gotta figure out how to conquer my fear of driving

now i gotta figure out how im going to pass that bloody test to get my G.E.D.

now i gotta figure out how im going to deal with some pathetic anxiety/panic attacks and get some wack job

now. NOW.

I'm tired.

whats the point going to therapy when they tell you that you have all the tools, you just need to use them, you just need to leave, you just need to get out.

i dont get it, atleast im not the crazy one

or maybe i am, i dont care anymore

I think they should help with pointing out the steps that are actually possible to take now without being overwhelmed. No one should expect you to do more than is feels possible to you now. Maybe you just need support and understanding first..Maybe you cannot make any move yet and that's okay.
Hopefully they'll be able to meet you where you are and offer the support you need right now

https://forums.psychcentral.com/comp...0073-numb.html

my case manager says that i can go to a shelter

but im afraid of that, i dont want to go to a shelter, why go to a shelter???????

you know??

im changing too fast... i cant handle it... im ok... no im not.. its ok.. i ****ing hate myself... its ok.. omg wtf... shut the **** up...do you know what i mean... up... down... up down... too fast... within minutes... im crying... then im fine... then i wanna kill myself... then im thinking its gonna be ok... i cant handle this... what is wrong with me.....

i ****ing hate this ****.... god damnit... **** **** **** **** **** **** ****....

is it because im getting high its making it worse? when im high i feel better though but i ****ing hate being sober cause i feel everything 10000000x more and i just hate my life so much i dont wanna do this anymore

im scared to go to the hospital...

i dont want to go inpatient any more... no more please

i hate inpatient......

Yeah it seems like a vicious circe, getting high/drunk seems to make it better in the moment but it actually makes the moodswings worse, it throws you out of balance. I'm in similar situation lately, just want to numb myself or get high but I am aware that it screws up the natural balance. Now the issue is, was there a natural balance in the first place. Not sure but I think it's there, the potential is there in everyone. I choose to believe that.

but thats the problem with me....

there has never been a balance....

ive always been like this...

i hate it....

something can happen... and it sets off the chain reaction....

it doesnt matter if im high sober drunk intoxicated elated or euphoric or whatever...

i start swinging like a swing on the play ground.. and its absolute hell... and eventually i get stuck in this ****ing depressed hell where i just cant take it anymore... it hurts so bad....

i just... im so tired of it.... so tired of going through this.... i dont know if i can keep doing this....