hospital

im trying to get the courage up to go...

sitting here in pain is not doing me any good

monday is coming fast...

Please go, and get the help you need and deserve. And please keep us posted on how things are going. You deserve stability and hopefully the hospital can help to provide that.

i just feel so many different things when i commit to going

anger

disgust

disappointment

fear

feels like a million thoughts telling me ways that its ok and why i dont need to go...

i dont like decision making... its overwhelming...

i hate this....

Elevated --

"My biggest fear is that someone else will see me that way that I see myself."

Wow. Exactly.

How are you doing tonight? Hope you are okay. Take care.

not good i think



im feeling... i cant do this

too much empty, too much full

brain fog...

****... delete ----

i'll be ok...

kinda chaos goin on... inside...

how do i make it stop, commit to going?

when i am fine, when nothing is wrong

yet something is very wrong

in a moment i will not be ok

but i will be fine, im always fine

i dont know if i can ever put into words what i feel...

so misunderstood...

i dont know whether to get pissed off, to cry, to feel despair, empty, content, malice... what in the hell... im just caught up in a vortex, swirling... pool... of thoughts... and emotions...

i don't know how to feel
or what i feel...
i feel everything, but i feeling nothing too...
i feel so confused

i want to go to the hospital to be safe and maybe have someone that can help...
but at the same time "I dont need help" "leave me alone"

Just go!

Thinking about doing something is always harder than actually doing it!

😢 fighting
I don't know what

Sorry to seem like I ignore everyone.... Im not....

I just feel like maybe in not bad enough to be in the hospital maybe...

But I think it's really really bad too at the same time....

But maybe it's not that bad....


I dissociate way too much....


Im trying to hold onto reality....
Because I feel I am about to lose myself forever... Whatever that means...
You know?
I don't know what to think... It's like my brain is being rebooted...
Everything is unstable....

You make complete sense. Dealing with the conflicting feelings/thoughts is difficult at best. Keep posting. How long do your episodes last? Is there anyone you can call? A therapist or friend? If a part of you feels like you need to go to the hospital and a part of you doesn't feel the need to do so, you know yourself best so make a decision to go or stay. I hope things get better for you soon.

What's an episode

I don't know what is going on really...

I just know that stuff like this has been getting worse forever...

I have been sheltered for a long time...
Had other people to do things for me that I needed...
Now it is different, there is no one

It is just me??
I do everything....

I am trying to learn to do everything a new way...

The new world... Without shelter, getting hurt... Scary people... Unpredictability... Being let down....

It is not working so well....

Maybe I am in crisis....

......................

this is what my mind says

. . . . . .

...................


. . .. . . . . .. . ..

...... . . . . .......... . ...

just be quiet, there is nothing i can say, that is all......

why do i have to feel like this

why cant i just stop it

one second its ok, and ill be ok, and then another second its not ok, and i am not ok

its making me sick
its making me so confused
its making me despise myself
its making me hurt
its making me scared
its making me feel silly, ridiculous too
its making me want to laugh because of how ridiculous it is...
its making me want to cry because of how serious it is...
its making me fall apart
its making me unsure of my own existence...

i think most of all its scaring me... because it wont go away...
and because i dont know what im supposed to be feeling...
so i feel like an empty shell... with a book of feelings on the floor... all the pages torn out...
blowing around the room...
but none of the feelings are mine...
unable to relate to any of the things going on inside...

i dont know if i have ever had a feeling of my own before...

i would of called my case manager yesterday but i had no phone...
maybe i will get a chance today, we'll see... im going to try to talk to her this week though... even if i have to wait i think i probably should go to the hospital anyway because this feeling isnt going anywhere...

sorry to complain...

i dont feel good....

i think im in a lot of trouble...

somethings wrong

im trying to pretend like everything is ok...

but im coming undone...

something feels physically wrong...

out of place, i cant explain it...

somethings wrong... you know...

is it that when things change in our lives...

this stuff happens...?

and we have to re-adjust...

because a lot of changes keep happening in my life...

and i dont get a chance to settle down...

i cant get my **** together...

and now the straw has broken the camels back...


am i going to be ok...?

GO TO THE HOSPITAL

I'm really surprised your treatment providers or your family haven't already put you there.

i called my case manager...
as soon as i got the phone...
she called the crisis stabilization place, but they are full...
she told me to go to the hospital ER and ask to be evaluated there...

my dad is not here right now so i am waiting for him to get back but he wants to work on his truck i know... i dont want to make him waste his evening...

and if i did go... what if i spend hours waiting and being evaluated only to be told there is nothing they can do...

he will be mad...

maybe i should just suck it up you know...?
i hate this... omg...

im gonna cry...

i feel so disconnected....
this is so wrong....

Hmmm.I'm not surprised at all by your post,I kind of expected for you to give excuses.You started this thread about going to the hospital,talking about how bad you are doing,now you have the chance to go and you think you should just suck it up and not go?

If you are doing as badly as you are claiming here,I highly doubt you would be leaving after an evaluation if you're honest with them.

I care about your wellbeing,maybe a little too much,therefore it's time for me to back away again,stop reading and responding to your posts for my own well being.

That may sound harsh but if you're not willing to do the things you need to do in order to help yourself then I can't continue reading or offering help and support.