hospital

im trying to get the courage up to go...

sitting here in pain is not doing me any good

monday is coming fast...

Please go, and get the help you need and deserve. And please keep us posted on how things are going. You deserve stability and hopefully the hospital can help to provide that.

i just feel so many different things when i commit to going

anger

disgust

disappointment

fear

feels like a million thoughts telling me ways that its ok and why i dont need to go...

i dont like decision making... its overwhelming...

i hate this....

Elevated --

"My biggest fear is that someone else will see me that way that I see myself."

Wow. Exactly.

How are you doing tonight? Hope you are okay. Take care.

not good i think



im feeling... i cant do this

too much empty, too much full

brain fog...

****... delete ----

i'll be ok...

kinda chaos goin on... inside...

how do i make it stop, commit to going?

when i am fine, when nothing is wrong

yet something is very wrong

in a moment i will not be ok

but i will be fine, im always fine

i dont know if i can ever put into words what i feel...

so misunderstood...

i dont know whether to get pissed off, to cry, to feel despair, empty, content, malice... what in the hell... im just caught up in a vortex, swirling... pool... of thoughts... and emotions...

i don't know how to feel
or what i feel...
i feel everything, but i feeling nothing too...
i feel so confused

i want to go to the hospital to be safe and maybe have someone that can help...
but at the same time "I dont need help" "leave me alone"

Just go!

Thinking about doing something is always harder than actually doing it!

😢 fighting
I don't know what

Sorry to seem like I ignore everyone.... Im not....

I just feel like maybe in not bad enough to be in the hospital maybe...

But I think it's really really bad too at the same time....

But maybe it's not that bad....


I dissociate way too much....


Im trying to hold onto reality....
Because I feel I am about to lose myself forever... Whatever that means...
You know?
I don't know what to think... It's like my brain is being rebooted...
Everything is unstable....

You make complete sense. Dealing with the conflicting feelings/thoughts is difficult at best. Keep posting. How long do your episodes last? Is there anyone you can call? A therapist or friend? If a part of you feels like you need to go to the hospital and a part of you doesn't feel the need to do so, you know yourself best so make a decision to go or stay. I hope things get better for you soon.

What's an episode

I don't know what is going on really...

I just know that stuff like this has been getting worse forever...

I have been sheltered for a long time...
Had other people to do things for me that I needed...
Now it is different, there is no one

It is just me??
I do everything....

I am trying to learn to do everything a new way...

The new world... Without shelter, getting hurt... Scary people... Unpredictability... Being let down....

It is not working so well....

Maybe I am in crisis....

......................

this is what my mind says

. . . . . .

...................


. . .. . . . . .. . ..

...... . . . . .......... . ...

just be quiet, there is nothing i can say, that is all......

why do i have to feel like this

why cant i just stop it

one second its ok, and ill be ok, and then another second its not ok, and i am not ok

its making me sick
its making me so confused
its making me despise myself
its making me hurt
its making me scared
its making me feel silly, ridiculous too
its making me want to laugh because of how ridiculous it is...
its making me want to cry because of how serious it is...
its making me fall apart
its making me unsure of my own existence...

i think most of all its scaring me... because it wont go away...
and because i dont know what im supposed to be feeling...
so i feel like an empty shell... with a book of feelings on the floor... all the pages torn out...
blowing around the room...
but none of the feelings are mine...
unable to relate to any of the things going on inside...

i dont know if i have ever had a feeling of my own before...

i would of called my case manager yesterday but i had no phone...
maybe i will get a chance today, we'll see... im going to try to talk to her this week though... even if i have to wait i think i probably should go to the hospital anyway because this feeling isnt going anywhere...

sorry to complain...

i dont feel good....

i think im in a lot of trouble...

somethings wrong

im trying to pretend like everything is ok...

but im coming undone...

something feels physically wrong...

out of place, i cant explain it...

somethings wrong... you know...

is it that when things change in our lives...

this stuff happens...?

and we have to re-adjust...

because a lot of changes keep happening in my life...

and i dont get a chance to settle down...

i cant get my **** together...

and now the straw has broken the camels back...


am i going to be ok...?

GO TO THE HOSPITAL

I'm really surprised your treatment providers or your family haven't already put you there.

i called my case manager...
as soon as i got the phone...
she called the crisis stabilization place, but they are full...
she told me to go to the hospital ER and ask to be evaluated there...

my dad is not here right now so i am waiting for him to get back but he wants to work on his truck i know... i dont want to make him waste his evening...

and if i did go... what if i spend hours waiting and being evaluated only to be told there is nothing they can do...

he will be mad...

maybe i should just suck it up you know...?
i hate this... omg...

im gonna cry...

i feel so disconnected....
this is so wrong....

Hmmm.I'm not surprised at all by your post,I kind of expected for you to give excuses.You started this thread about going to the hospital,talking about how bad you are doing,now you have the chance to go and you think you should just suck it up and not go?

If you are doing as badly as you are claiming here,I highly doubt you would be leaving after an evaluation if you're honest with them.

I care about your wellbeing,maybe a little too much,therefore it's time for me to back away again,stop reading and responding to your posts for my own well being.

That may sound harsh but if you're not willing to do the things you need to do in order to help yourself then I can't continue reading or offering help and support.

im gonna try to get my dad to take me tomorrow...

i don't really have much support in my mental health...

if he can't maybe my uncle will, i don't know...

i don't know what to think...

im scared...

im sorry...

i dont feel suicidal....

but i dont know what i feel...

nothing really is making sense right now

i just keep having these thoughts...

what if i am fine...?

what if im just exaggerating some weird feelings...

but then i have some even more weird thoughts...

empty thoughts...

they don't feel like my own thoughts...

like ok maybe i am sad.... but maybe its just sad...

not a big deal...

but maybe its more than sad... it 'is' consuming me...

or is it...? how would i know..?

i dont know... how really could i tell...?

i dont know if i could tell...

am i really feeling sad...?

what if im not feeling anything at all...

wait though... these are weird feelings...

something is really wrong with me...

i really need help i think...

but what if its just nothing at all...

what if im exaggerating nothing...

what if i dont feel nothing...

what does nothing feel like anyway...

why am i thinking like this...

this is so abnormal for me...

maybe the medication is just making me normal and this is what normal is...

maybe im just not used to being normal....

maybe i need to just breathe and forget about it all...

but it all feels so wrong...

everything feels so strange...

thinking like this must mean something is wrong...

im trying to be logical... but im afraid...

afraid that maybe something really wrong is happening...

im trying to be calm... because i dont know what to do...

my thoughts are not being normal...

atleast i dont remember what my normal thoughts were like...

i've never felt like this for so long before....

i dont remember feeling like this...

ever since they changed my medicines things started messing up...

ever since i saw that new therapist things started messing up...

ever since... i dunno whats causing things to mess up so bad...

so many life changes maybe... but its been happening for ever...

maybe im just realizing how bad things are... or maybe things really are just getting bad...

all the treatment people pushing me too hard maybe...

i dont know...

am i psychotic...?

am i going crazy...?

i think that i am numb... am i numb...?
is that a feeling...?

i think that i don't have a choice but to go to the hospital...
and to atleast try to get in somewhere...
im just scared... i guess no one wants to go to those places...
so i shouldnt really say anything....

i tried talking to dad about it and he said tomorrow..
but i hate asking him for anything...
he doesnt understand mental illness...
too many family problems happening right now...
why does this have to be happening right now...

i hate asking for anything from anyone...

i will be ok for one more night...

im just afraid of these feelings...

i dont understand them and i want them to go away...

im sorry for writing these things...

im just trying to stay present...

i almost feel like i keep leaving this world...

i dont know whats happening to my mind...

i've been really stressed out ultimately...

maybe its finally breaking me down...

sorry...

i hate this...

i feel ok right now, besides dazed and confused

i imagine my case manager will be calling soon

i just feel like a fool for posting any of this

why do i write down my thoughts anywhere...

this is why i stopped journalling...

because i just feel so retarded and invalidate my own self so much that i cant stand it...

i just prefer not to see or hear or listen to any of it too, much less show the world...

that is one of the reasons i was going to delete my account here...

but i feel like i really need the support because i dont have any support in my mental health out here besides the people in the clinic and they sometimes push me hard to do things that i cant do... like they have been just telling me that i need to get out of my dads house...

they tell me i can go to a shelter and things like that...

but i dont want to go to a shelter... its extremely triggering... and i dont know why they keep doing it to me... they know i cant do anything about it...

they know im doing everything i can... i just dont trust them so much...

so i dont have very much support... my family all have problems...

they either dont understand mental illness or have mental illness and cant help...
or both... whatever...

does that make sense..?

so i just thought maybe i shouldnt delete my account because people here maybe in the same position im in...

like.. maybe it could be helpful some how to have others around that i could trust... or something... i dont really know, you know..? i just thought something

but i feel so bad all the time... i have so much trust issues...

i write stuff here and then it makes me feel worse because i dont want to make other people feel bad or be sitting here lieing or exaggerating or whatever the hell is going on inside my head...

because i feel so unstable i feel like i dont want anyone around me... no one close to me... no one talk to me... that way no one will be hurt... besides me... and maybe i will not be so embarrassed... in the end...

i do not understand my feelings very well...

i am sorry for writing all of this though.... i wish i did not... i am embarrassed and feel really stupid... because i do not know if any of it is true or what is true or if it is all exaggerated or if im making it all up or anything...

im just going to tell my case manager the same thing...

i dont know whether to hate myself or anything right now...

i am ok...

im sorry... i don't think i'll ever do this again...

You don't need to feel sorry for what you wrote. A lot of us have written similar things, trying to figure out feelings and such.

Keep posting if you feel okay about it.

I also think that you should keep posting whenever you feel the need. Other people posting has helped me to allow myself to do the same when I feel the need. And I do feel the need often as well ( and I went through the same, thinking that I shouldn't have been so open...but maybe it does help others too, sometimes and most importantly it helps me)