Advice for replacing old unhealthy coping mechanisms / patterns

Hi all,

I need some advice from the community.

My go to coping mechanism for many years has been regression. I have my teddy bears, my blankies and my diapers... I struggle with shame and self-judgment when it comes to these things despite the fact that they provide a source of comfort and security and safety that I cannot find anywhere else. I call this safe place my little space. The problem is my little space keeps me in bed, and it keeps me there for long hours, sometimes days...

Basically I am spending too much time in little space and I am filled with guilt / shame and regret for not having a life worth living... It is keeping me from having the life I want and I need to make changes in baby steps. I try so hard to get out of bed but I really struggle because it is so comforting to me...

I am going to try and be mindful of and replace those automatic go-to coping mechanisms like little space, eating unhealthy food, video games, movies and relaxation, and replace them with more long-term and potentially healthier coping mechanisms such as exercising, new recipes, social outings, walks, music, exercising, reading, photography, hikes, journaling, etc.

Does anyone have any advice or insight when it comes to making these changes and ACTUALLY doing them? I am looking for insight into how to confront the urges to fall back and regress and how to overrule and actually move forward. How to stay present when I am feeling the urge to regress, etc.

Basically I need to accept that I am a man, that I can no longer be a child and that I have a responsibility to look after myself, because no one else will...

BIG change for me. Please help.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

Hello HD: This probably isn't going to be a real helpful suggestion. But (without going into detail) what has made the biggest difference for me is simply no longer being in a position to do things I once did. So much of this sort of thing, in my experience at least, is tied to our surroundings & the circumstances of our day-to-day lives. They become triggers that send us back around on our own personal merry-go-rounds, so to speak. So if you change your surroundings & daily-life circumstances, it makes it easier to no longer do the things you did that you wish to no longer do... if that makes any sense.

I don't know where you live, or what your day-to-day life circumstances are, of course. So it's difficult to be specific. But what I would recommend, based on my own personal experience, is to try to figure out some way(s) of changing things so that you simply no longer can conveniently do the things you no longer wish to do. In my experience, at least, it has been surprising just how easy it was to make these sorts of changes when the circumstances of my day-to-day life changed.

Now that doesn't mean you won't still feel the urges from time-to-time & still have whatever other mental health struggles you deal with. And so, in conjunction with making changes in your surroundings & circumstances, you also have to address the underlying anxiety & perhaps fear that caused you to begin doing these things to begin with. That perhaps means therapy or psych med's or some sort of self-help program or routine. I'm no longer on any psych med's nor do I see a therapist. Neither was ever of any real help to me. Instead I do about an hour-&-a-half to 2 hours of yoga & meditation daily. I also walk our dog a couple of times a day. And I cook & clean... that sort of thing. Oh... & I spend a bit of time here on PC. It all keeps me occupied & helps to keep my mind off of things I'd rather not dwell on.

Hi Skeezyks,

I absolutely loved your response and I have found it very helpful! I think this is a good way to tackle this issue and I appreciate you taking the time to write a lovely response.

I am struggling to make so many changes. I will try to adopt this concept that you wrote above. I believe it is a good place to start!

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

When I try to change something, I tend to be mindful about it for the first few weeks or so, until it becomes a habit. I really focus on doing (or not doing) it.

Skeezyks has a point, though: what's the reason behind this? Is there past trauma that needs to be resolved? I stopped chasing men around for "love" when I reworked my parental issues in therapy.

Here's my story.

I am made up of a conscious mind and subconscious mind. I used to play an old MMO game to relieve stress from everyday homework during 3-yrs diploma programme. I could play up to 10 hrs a day during holidays, and at least 4-5hrs from dinner time til it eats into my sleeping time during schooling days. I developed lots of pimples and it was made worse with constant lack of hydration and popping of pimples. I don't really fit well into certain groups as I prefer being myself and refusing to go with the flow most of the time. As a result I have 3 distinct group of people that hanged out with me: The one that agrees with my principles, the ones that only works with me when they need me, and the ones that will totally not want to work with me.

I was totally fine with this, whoever don't like me because they can't accept me, should just fk off. Whoever liked my style will stay. I was accustomed to this thought that loops me in this cycle of denial of what is going wrong in my life as long as someone accepts my beauty.

Everything changed when,

A bpd-date dated me and then promptly left me within 1 month, although we talked to each other for a few months before an official local bpd gathering.

She saw me for my beauty in coping with many emotional swings and ability to rise among the rest. However, I had no experience at dating. When I received my first kiss from her, I felt like I'm stuck between giving my presence to her and being myself. It affected our dating phase because my subconscious actions and thoughts took the lead and effectively she dated another guy while I was in military training.

She told me about something I never bothered putting focus on; communication. And it made me traced many instance of poor-communication between me and other people in my life.

She just left, and I never had the opportunity to see her again. I was beset with several major life issues at this point of time, and I could not ask others to solve them, only I myself can eradicate my own suffering. I dumped my feelings for her instantly, bite the bullet and overcome it with a mindset that;

"My issues are just temporary!"

"Overcome them now or overcome them later!"

"Time will not wait for me to grief over my loss! "

"Regardless, time will still move forward, I got to move forward with time!"

Few months later, I came across a free-seminar conducted for diploma alumni. It was about discovering the 4 types of personality (DISC), and I received a free ticket for a 1-1 diagnostic session which I attended later.

The diagnostician that I talked with, raised many questions about my lifestyle. There were 3 things I remembered fondly about this conversation:

1. He reminded me that he adjusted himself to speak in way that is able to connect with my communicating style.

This made me reflected about what kind of tone I used to communicate with other people.

2. He told me the exact time I can give him a definitive answer of my desire to change.

This made me reflected about certain mistakes that I kept committing without thinking about putting a stop to it. And when was I ready to learn and prevent myself from making the same mistakes again?

3. He told me the price of the coaching workshop.

I had no money or means to pay for this workshop, considering the amount of money i saved each month is equivalent to 1/25 of that course fee. I saw it wasn't a good idea to sign up for this perhaps life-changing course at this point of time. However, I told myself I am not willing to leave this session empty-handed, I got to work out a solution for myself even if I have no financial means to register for this course.

From here, I continuously told myself these;

I got to overcome!

It's my own responsibility and desire to plant my own garden, not for other people to take care of it!

I am responsible, I am not going to take this lying down and leave the rest of my life like a sheep!

I have to use my contrarian-thinking into useful purpose and not use it against other people for the sake of it!

I am going to prove other people wrong that they made a mistake of abandoning me!