[PressedPoppy]

Has anyone diagnosed with borderline personality disorder been able to ha d a stable, healthy relationship? Free of extremes and fear of abandonment? Did you self sabotage before? After? How did you know you might have BPD, what steps did you take in recognizing there was a problem, then fixing it.
I have a feeling I might suffer from BPD, I don't want to believe I'm just a terrible person who loves to be miserable. Please share personal experiences of evidence for signs of BPD. Really tying to figure this out.

[Skeezyks]

Hi PressedPoppy: I'm sorry I can't really speak to this directly. But I noticed no one has yet replied to your post. So I thought I would. (Sometimes it can take a few posts here before you begin to get noticed.)

There was a time when, I believe, I could have been diagnosed as having BPD. But I was never actually diagnosed with it. And I doubt I could be diagnosed as having it now. (I've been told that BPD tends to burn itself out as one ages. And I've certainly done that.) Under any circumstances, I've now been married for about 38 years, if that's of any help.

Anyway... I'll just let my reply go at that without going into further details. You wrote that you have a feeling you may be suffering from BPD. The best thing to do is get with a mental health professional (assuming you are not already doing so) & figure out what is going on with you. One thing I will say is that I armored myself in thick layer of denial for many years... decades really. And, in the process, I did more damage than I care to recollect. Perhaps having received some mental health treatment would have prevented all of the destruction... perhaps not. Unfortunately, when I was young, it simply wasn't available the way it is today. So I'll never know. But please don't follow in my footsteps. They don't lead anywhere you want to go. ...

I was diagnosed with BPD quite a few years ago, but no longer fit the criteria. At my worst, I didn't struggle with any of the relationship symptoms of the disorder, like fear of abandonment, so I didn't personally struggle with that. Hopefully some members who can relate can provide some input.

[Unrigged64072835]

I was diagnosed with BPD. I went through a lot of boyfriends looking for something they couldn't give me. I'm now on my third marriage and I feel better about this one. My husband doesn't cheat on me or drink to pass-out drunk. He's been there for me when I went IP and still goes to therapy and pdoc appointments with me. I'm there for him, too. He has MS and I go to his appts, MRI scans, etc.

I think getting older and no longer chasing love down has helped. I finally decided that I just want to have fun with somebody and be a friend first. That has worked out. I don't like he'll abandon me. We have our separate interests and treat this as going to work. He's now going back to college so I'm getting used to that.

I've been through a lot of therapy. I had CBT and DBT. Mostly it has taught me to be mindful, and watch what I was thinking. It doesn't mean I got over it completely, but I can manage my emotions better.

[HD7970GHZ]

Hi Pressed-poppy,

You said,

Has anyone diagnosed with borderline personality disorder been able to had a stable, healthy relationship? Free of extremes and fear of abandonment? Did you self sabotage before? After? How did you know you might have BPD, what steps did you take in recognizing there was a problem, then fixing it.

First off, Borderline Personality Disorder is NOT a life sentence of hell. It can be managed. What matters is your own willingness to recover. Whatever emotion(s) drive that desire to change and heal, identify what it is and use it. So long as it is a strong enough emotion, you can take advantage of it and use it as motivation to change.

Keep in mind that almost everyone in the world has traits of Borderline Personality Disorder. Relationships are extremely painful; love hurts. Wonder why divorce hurts? I bet almost everyone meets criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder while going through a divorce. In saying this, we can see that the illness can present itself in a human being given the right circumstances. In other words: all humans are vulnerable to having BPD. Don't let the social construct of ‘mental illness’ and ‘diagnosis’ distract you from the FACT that BPD is merely an intense representation of the human condition; to feel, to hurt, to love, to enjoy, to sorrow... All of this fits inside a neat little box that can be summed up in these words: "To be alive." Try to view yourself as a participant in a life whose foundations require you to emote and express your inner anguish. A lot of what we experience is a prerequisite and an inevitable part of a being alive and being a human being; seeing things in this light has helped me to accept that I am not alone in my suffering. Neither are you. Trudging through the mud of life is what life is about. Harness the pain and feel it. No sense avoiding it, because you can’t. Anyone who seems to live outside these pitfalls is simply better at hiding it.

To answer your question:

I have been diagnosed BPD. I have basically avoided relationships for my entire life. I also have PTSD, Avoidant PD and Dependent PD.

I had one short romantic relationship that absolutely devastated me. I have had very successful therapy where I was head-over heels in love with maternal, paternal and erotic transference; it was SO very painful and seems to follow me whenever I get close to someone. I first recognized these issues when I was a child and got attached to a cousin, but it wasn't until later on when I realized how big the issue truly was. Luckily my issues arose in a therapeutic setting and I was properly diagnosed and treated. Later on I had a VERY traumatic experience in therapy and it has set me back, but it was purely the fault of a group of very unethical therapists who were clearly unfit to help me. I lost faith in humanity as a result and have had to rebuild it in baby steps...

I cannot say that I have experienced a relationship free of worry and fear. In short, I think this is both elusive and dangerous to seek, despite the fact that ALL humans want it. I don't think any human being can honestly say they are in a relationship that is 100% free of worry and fear. If they do, perhaps they are under the illusion and or, spell of love, thus they hold their partner on a pedestal; which as we all know and come to understand, is a recipe for disaster... The harrowing truth is that humans are fallible, thus there is no such thing as pure 100% trust and lack of fear. This realization in-itself, can be and is the essence of loneliness for a lot of us humans. Perhaps we hope and pray that someone will prove us wrong... That there is someone who is an exception to the rule, that there is a perfect human. That eventually someone will come along who will meet all of our needs. Sometimes we feel that we give SO much to a relationship (and by God, we Borderline sufferers DO!), yet our significant others fail in returning the favor... Perhaps we expect them to mirror back in equal values of intimacy but they always seem to fall short and so we feel betrayed, abandoned, alone… I think our core issues of loneliness, abandonment and lack of self-esteem, (FEAR) keep us in the role of placing too much emphasis on the relationship in an attempt to keep others from leaving us, but unfortunately, our significant others lack the empathy and often misinterpret our attempts and ultimately abandon us. It is as though they see our desire for love as an outright selfish endeavor, when really, we think they want what we want (which is intense intimacy, attachment, losing oneself in the thick of love). Unfortunately, from the outside this is not what it looks like…

The trick (I think) is to give up on the idea that we will ever find this perfect human being, thereby we will lose the expectation that a human being will NEVER hurt us. Despite how painful a concept this is to accept, there is extreme value in it. Lowering our expectations from others will remind us of the importance to set boundaries and protect ourselves from the pain that occurs when someone we are attached to finally disappoints us; and disappointment is inevitable. I think this is a central issue for us Borderline sufferers; it is as if we need to be hurt time and time again in order to FINALLY realize that placing others on pedestals and expecting them to NEVER hurt us is a surefire way to becoming truly traumatized when the significant other finally makes a mistake and their inevitable human fallibility shows its face. One could argue that accepting this would mean that we are alone... How could others hurt us, we could never hurt them... Almost like we are attached to the notion that humans are capable of being perfect because to be without it means we will always be alone and we will never have our needs met... Just because humans are fallible and just because they can and do hurt us (intentionally and or not intentionally) does not mean they are bad and that all humans are untrustworthy. Nor does it mean that we are alone… In retrospect, it makes us all connected because no matter how perfect we think we are, we cannot escape our own human fallibility. It is part of our makeup. There is something endearing about the human capacity for doing good and doing bad. It is almost predictable. It is cute.

I have faith that I can change with the proper care and compassion. Lucky for us, the therapy world is increasing awareness around BPD and said issues. I believe that things will only improve for BPD sufferers, however, I believe that the healthcare industry needs a severe kick in the @SS in order to curb and prevent the increasing lack of accountability and abuses going on around the world. Healthcare professionals have the ability to help, but they also have a duty to uphold the ethics they promise to keep.

I hope I didn’t hijack and thread. This is what I thought about when I read your post. Hope it plants seeds in your mind and answers your question.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz