[Fromtheworst]

This is long I'm sorry...

I finally made an appointment with a therapist. And the whole thing kind of scares me. I've been to two therapists before and I've seen two psychiatrists. All of them bsically let me treat myself. Which at the time made sense, and they had all agreed with me, it sounded good, or whatever.

I had been treated for depression, anxiety, bipolar for awhile, then ADHD. My last go about was me believing I was an alcoholic and all of my issues were present because of the drinking. Then I quit drinking and the issues did subside a little but it wasn't long until it started again. And I didn't understand why. so apart of me kind of got used to being this way. I try my hardest to remind myself to just take it as it comes and not to do anything stupid.

I've read that both sides of our emotions are a symptom of BPD. So along with the good high on life, super motivated, fun loving side weve got equally parts that's aren't so fun
So I am afraid that my fun crazy side will go away and then what happens? I don't know where the symptoms end and I begin.

I've been stuck in my bad mode since Saturday. I have tried anything I can think of to snap out of it. So I honestly want to get better. Learn how to be an adult basically. I have always just sort of accepted that I would be miserable half or more of the time. What happens after I figure this out? I understand that I'm not going to magically be cured but things are already different now that I'm aware of the BPD so when I learn how to manage, I don't know. I already don't know who I am but at least it's familiar..
I feel hopeless either way I look at it.