[madzomoon]

Hi, this is my first post on these forums so sorry if its a little messy. I've been struggling with my mental health for years, my first therapy appointment was when I was 4 years old. I've been treated for Major Depression, Generalized Anxiety, and Social Anxiety. I've been hospitalized, giving almost every single anti-depressant, and benzo available, bounced around to different therapists on and off for years since my first appointment, just nothing seems to work for me. Because I've been so resistant to treatment I started to do some researching on my own last year. I read about all sorts of different disorders and couldn't identify with anything. I came across BPD and identified with every single trait, except possibly one. The more I read the more convinced I become that I am suffering with it. I have an extreme fear of abandonment and I've had it since I was young. As a toddler I needed someone to sit with me and be with me at all times. I never wanted to be in a room alone and would start panicking if I was. My parents divorced when I was almost 4 and I fell into a mild depression (hence my first therapy appointment) because I didn't understand why I was in a new house, why my dad wasn't there, I was scared and I felt abandoned and at the time my feelings were valid because I was. I continued to have that fear of abandonment, when I was 9 my group of friends I had established since 1st grade, had invited another "new girl" to be a part of our friend group. Me and this girl had a lot in common and I felt as if I was being replaced, I got scared and flat out told my friends it was either me or her that they could be friends with at that time and they chose her which again left me alone and abandoned. When I was 12 one of my best friends got close with another friend of hers and I again tried to make her choose for fear she was going to leave our friendship for the other one. Another similar situation happened with another one of my friends when I was 14. I always put then in a position of making them choose, not realizing I was pushing them away. My mom got a serious boyfriend when I was 11 that's been on and off since then (i'm now 20) and I used to get super upset when she would spend time with him. I would do everything I could so she wouldn't leave to go on a date, or I would create a scene when he was over to try and get him to leave. She once left to go on a trip with him for a week and the morning of her going I self harmed in front of her just to try and get her to stay after my other attempts at keeping her home had failed. I still struggle with this fear and it causes me not to want to make friends or maintain the friendships I have because I'm so scared everyone's just going to leave me. I can't stand being alone because I hate being with myself and my thoughts and I don't know who I am at all and the brings me to the next characteristic I identify with. I have zero sense of self identity. The only things I know about myself are that I'm creative and musically inclined but thats it. I have no idea what I want to do with my future and I end up choosing something that I think I'll like and then within a few days I choose something else entirely. I find myself copying other people's looks, mannerisms, and personalities because I don't know how to have my own. Sometimes I question what kind of person I am, am I good, or am I bad? I don't know. Which brings me to the black and white thinking. I see everyone and everything as either good or bad. Everyone is always trying to talk me in to seeing a grey area but I only see what I see. How I feel about someone is always based off the last interaction I had with them. If it was good, then they are amazing and perfect and the best thing that could ever happen to me and I'm so lucky to have them in my life. If it was bad, I hate them, they don't care about, they're a bad person, etc. I could go on and explain how I identify with every trait, and go into every detail of why I think I have BPD but the point of my post is, I have expressed all of this to one of my therapists (I've been seeing this one since December 2016) and he just goes "it's a good possibility, you could be on to something there" and then sets it aside saying its on his "short list of diagnosis". I still live at home I have extreme anxiety and my mom has been really supportive and helps keep me safe and listens and tries to understand me. I told her about all of this and she started to read up on it and buy books and now she's convinced I have it as well and we're both extremely frustrated that I'm not getting a definite answer. My other therapist doesn't want to diagnose me but she said I should start DBT which I know is one of the primary treatments for BPD and she says that it doesn't matter what diagnosis I get its the treatment that matters. But to me it does matter because I want to be validated and I want to know why I feel the way I do and I'm not sure if I should see another therapist or what to do. Any advice or insight would be helpful. Sorry for the long rant, thank you.

[Ennaira]

i think what you just described are definitely borderline traits but not enough to diagnose you as someone with legit borderline personality disorder. And its true that its the treatment for your main problems like anxiety and depression that matters but i get that you want confirmation and get diagnosed. If its really driving you crazy then go ahead and see another therapist but dont expect 100% that your gonna get an answer. Good luck and wish you the best

[Unrigged64072835]

My pdoc was the same way: treat the symptoms, no labels, etc. I've been BPD for a long time but never got proper treatment until a few years ago when I went to DBT. It does help.

You may want to see a pdoc who can better give you a diagnosis.

[madzomoon]

Update: I got the definite diagnosis today, he explained he wanted more time to be sure but confirmed it. Thanks for the advice and info!