[adashofhope]

Anyone here seriously struggle with blaming others? I know this is a problem for me. Me and my husband have been separated and in limbo for several months now and he brought up last week that he wants to move forward with a divorce. I felt this coming. Of course, this is difficult for me, but specifically what I wanted to express here is my anger and blame towards my husband. I hate that I have anger problems and I have worked on them over the years in therapy and self-help, but it is still a struggle. I quit my job and moved out of state to be with my husband. When we separated, I went back to my home state and have been staying with family. During the time we have been together, my husband has never expressed the desire to move here. He has moved a lot in the past several years and he is burned out....but so have I. I have moved a bunch of times as well. My thing is that I sacrificed a lot to be with him and I know that was all my choice. I took a risk. There is no guarantee that a relationship will last forever. I tried as hard as I could to have faith, but I never really did and my abandonment issues and anger issues, and my insecurities, are a large part of what has destroyed what we had. But I resent him, even though it was my choice. I go back and forth in my head ALL the time, wanting to blame him and feeling angry. I have so much negative energy and I don't want to be this way but my mind just keeps going back, and even though I try to redirect it and tell myself it was my choice, that this serves as a lesson for myself to make wiser choices for myself, and that I am where I am supposed to be in my life at this time (acceptance), I still will think the same thoughts later on the same day or the next day, and on and on and on.

One thing that bring ups these thoughts is that when I moved out of state to move in with him, I gave away a lot of my stuff. And now I don't have a job (I can't work right now because of my mental health and a shoddy work history) and I don't have a lot of things that I need. Even though, my life isn't the way I would like it to be, I know that I have A LOT to be grateful for.
I also try to remind myself of this. I could be a lot worse off right now. But yet, I get mad because I don't have all the things I used to have, and some of my things are still in our/his apartment (out of state). He still supports me though, and I remind myself of that too. He is taking caring of the dog we adopted together, even though I was the one who wanted her and we got her for me. I miss my dog like crazy but I can't bring her here (where I live) and I don't feel capable of taking care of her right now. Essentially, I feel like I have been rejected, abandoned, kicked out, and I took a big risk. I feel like a fool because he never wanted to move to be near me, even at the beginning of our relationship. I know he cares for me, but I get stuck on this issue. I see and acknowledge how much my husband has done for me and he still continues to provide me with support. So, the person I should be angry with is myself. I am responsible. But I continue to fall into blame. I don't want to be this way, but sometimes I also feel justified in it as well, and maybe that is part of the problem, that I give myself that permission because at the time it feels right to do that and other times I don't. I really struggle with not being black and white, not thinking either "its all my fault" or "its his fault".

I want to move on with my life. I was considering going to spiritual healers to try ayahuasca or kambo because I thought maybe it could help me move on. I've done so much therapy in my life and I feel so freakin burned out and defeated by all of it. I'm so tired of the mental health system and the healthcare system altogether that makes it so hard for people to get the help they need. I'm not swearing off therapy, I just know that I need to do something different. But then I realized because of a heart condition that I have, that I don't think I can do these treatments that I wanted to and I'm super disappointed by that. Just doing DBT ain't cutting it for me anymore. And I've tried different things like energy healing, acupuncture, and crystals in the past, but I thought psychedelics could help me make a shift (at the very least I thought it could help with my mood, energy, and overall physicalhealth) that I haven't been able to do with conventional treatment before. But I'm at a loss. I don't know what else to do anymore.

I am sorry you are going through this. Sometimes divorce is the right thing to do but it is such a traumatic life change from my POV.

When we are struggling and in a stressful situation, it is so easy to blame others. Life situations are so complicated and many of the unpleasant things we go through in life are not because someone had bad intentions yet in our quest to answer the question "Why" maybe it is a human reflex to want to find reasons for our pain. Kindness from others, prayer, and self forgiveness help me to blame less but when I am under stress I still blame way more than I should. You are trying the best you can. That is all you can do. Keep trying to become the best person you can be. You will fail a lot while you are going through this stressful life change but hopefully, you can transform yourself as a result of going through this. Hopefully, something good will eventually come from this. Keep looking for a silver lining and maybe, someday, you will find one--at least for a while. I hope things get better for you!!

[Fuzzybear]

I too hope things get better for you. I agree that it's sometimes easy to think someone who hurt us has bad intentions but in some cases it's mistakes they made. I think someone once said to me "honour your emotions but don't let them run the show" or something like that. I wish you well