Hi everyone, new here (possibly triggering)

Hi everyone, I’m new here and kinda in a tough spot right now.

I was diagnosed BPD a long time ago, then quit therapy because I couldn’t pay for it, went a long time without any mental health support and with a substance abuse disorder that was wrecking my life, including abusive relationships and a lot of other issues that are common with BPD.

My current psychiatrist diagnosed me with Bipolar I and I went on with it, I had a psychotic break years ago so it made sense. No one hardly ever bother to check my substance abuse disorder and how that could’ve influenced a psychotic break, but my new therapist now thinks it was a consequence from it, since the psychosis vanished over night and I’m on a very low dose of an antipsychotic without any psychotic symptoms.

I’ve been clean now for years, living in my mother’s house again (who helped a lot in making me accountable for my substance abuse) because I lost everything. I’ve been sober from alcohol since March and can’t even smell alcohol or I become nauseated, which I guess it’s a good thing.

A lot of stuff happened, but since the psychotic break and being put on meds for Bipolar (antipsychotic and mood stabilizer) my BPD symptoms seemed to be under control until very recently.

I was in therapy with another therapist, and because of my childhood and adulthood abuse, I had a trigger that sent me on a spiral and started treating the trauma right there. I think it was premature, and it was also very screwed up, that therapist constantly second guessed my experiences and minimized my problems, forgot important traumas and kept asking me to repeat them and even made a sexual remark knowing fully well about the sexual abuses I went through. He refused to aknowledge certain pathological symptoms such as a drastic increase in dissociation and suicidal ideation. So, I quit therapy with him after a month of thinking about it, so it wasn’t a rushed decision, and found myself a new therapist. She diagnosed me BPD on the second appointment, and seemed very annoyed that no one bothered or saw that it has been my number one issue.

I’ve been having passive suicidal ideation (without intent of doing anything about it) since May, with a lot of dissociative episodes, a lot of anxiety and completely terrified that my psychiatrist won’t be helpful with a change in diagnosis and maybe a tweak in meds. My therapist reassured me that she works with a good psychiatrist, but I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I’m just doing everything wrong, when logically I know I’ve been making the right decisions.

Maybe I’m just scared of regressing, since I made so much progress these last few years on my own (before starting therapy with that previous therapist). Or maybe I’m scared of actually starting to treat my condition. I do feel better since starting therapy with this new therapist, and she seems very competent and empathetic, which I really needed since I live kinda isolated and without much empathy in my life.

I don’t mean to sound like I’m whinning, maybe I am whinning a bit. Lol Sorry. I’m just very confused about all of this.

Thank you for reading

I acknowledge your progress, currently on the same track as you, my dear

My experience with passive suicidal thoughts (but not acting on it), was due to my stubbornness of perfection and not acknowledging negative emotions.

I've got past that phase, and I'm currently healing wounds by stimulating my own emotions, to find out what causes the fear-based feelings. It's like surfacing my wounds, cure them, and so that when someone touches the same spot, I will just shrug it off haha

Love to hear from you

Ha, you seem to be perfectly balanced with your emotions. So refreshing

Stubborness of perfection and not aknowledging negative emotions seem right up my alley. The aknowledging negative emotions epiphany came a few months ago, when I started thinking about quitting therapy with that therapist I talked about above. It made my anger return, which I promptly medicated lol New therapist is talking about how I may be overmedicated to treat emotions, and I agreed. I haven't been able to really cry in years, I tear up, but no tears ever fall. I thought it was a good thing, since for years and years I always cried too much, but maybe that's internalized 'other people's judgements' of me, and not my real emotions about it.

Thank you for your elucidating reply, very much appreciated.