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#1
Oct 06, 2017, 09:48 AM
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does this happen with bpd or anyone else...?
is it normal..? i have recognized that i tend to become manipulative with treatment providers mostly, during a meeting, while talking about things that are going on.. i feel myself starting to become anxious even before going into the meeting, but days before having an entire different mindset on what i want to do and say; sitting in the waiting room i feel the anxiety creep over me and i go in to see them i try my best to describe what i wanted to talk about, trying not to forget and even having notes in my pocket but i'll have many problems and thoughts go through my mind... scenarios and ideas... how i should and shouldnt be... what i should and shouldnt say... and everything changes and i end up having to be a certain way changing completely everything about myself even if i was depressed or very anxious.. i feel very spacey and i can realize that things arent right but im not really able to help myself at the same time... because at the time it feels like im trying to do the right thing, like i am telling the truth and being the real me and being honest... i really hate going through this because i feel so annoyed and confused by the experience and not knowing my own feelings or what im going through and not being able to explain things to the doctors and feeling guilty like i am manipulating the doctors but i dont know why i would do that as i have nothing to gain and only things to lose and hurt myself further... im really tired of it because i feel like i can't be heard for what is truly happening makes me feel like a liar, a fake, but im honestly not trying to be... makes me feel like blaming the doctors... but i cant do that because i know its not their fault... makes me want to give up treatment.. but im afraid of doing that as well... makes me want to stop existing, but there is so much i want to experience makes me want to just isolate, get away from everyone and be by my own self... solve the problem that way... but how can i survive? i have to get a job some how and make a living and get treatment... i really hate this... i dont know what is happening and why i do this..
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 Carmina, Fuzzybear, Lonlin3zz, Shazerac
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#2
Oct 06, 2017, 11:40 AM
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Hi. You said you are being manipulative unintentionally . I didn't here anything manipulative about what you described . I think you are just trying your best to get your point across . please don't be so hard on your self , I know that's easier said than done .
I've heard being manipulative can be a trait of BPD but I could be wrong there so sorry hope I don't offend anyone , I do have BPD my self . I'd like to think I'm not a manipulative person but maybe I have been at times unintentionally . my mum and my sister described me as manipulative once and I was quite upset about it . |
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#3
Oct 06, 2017, 01:01 PM
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im afraid to talk about it because i fear this may be another thread that gets me into trouble by not being able to express clearly what i mean...
i have a really hard time with "being present" .. if that means what i think it means... i feel really strange all the time, but i have felt this way all of my life so to me it is normal and i am just trying to figure things out... i do research a great deal and have come to a realization that my experience is probably not, most definitely not, the normal experience... its like trying to describe the color RED to someone i'll just end up using the same words that i have been taught by others the way they see it to describe it as the way i see it thus making it sound normal to them and making me believe its normal to me... does that make sense? i over analyze a huge amount... i really am and have been trying really hard for a long time to get better... and to convey the best i can my symptoms so that these "professionals" can help me... i guess maybe its not manipulation so much as it is losing the ability to be in control of myself and not having the strength to push out or through my mind what is my plans... plans failing, falling apart, other parts of my mind deciding that a plan is not safe and a fail safe kicking in to reverse damage... to pick up pieces and try to do cleanup and get myself out of the situation and back into safety as quickly and unnoticebly as possible.. often times going against what i desire and making me uncomfortable and causing backlash and what have you... i know that its because i dont trust them and it happens as soon as i get the first hint that they are pushing me towards something that i know wont work or something that i absolutely am not interested in, instead of being able to talk about why i dont want to do that or something it happens and i start to change because i have such a huge problem with conflict i can be extremely persuasive (without intent)... but its getting to the point where i just get so dizzy and unable to really feel anything like im just going to pass out or fall asleep or black out or something... since i have been having blackouts lately i am scared of it happening and dont want it to happen... because when i black out bad things happen.. i have been having a really bad time with my personality... with myself... trying to remain calm and keep from being overwhelmed because i just got out of the hospital on the 25th and trying to stay focused... but really i kind of just want to go back and stay there for ever because i feel like i dont think i can handle any of this any more
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#4
Oct 06, 2017, 02:30 PM
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#5
Oct 07, 2017, 02:23 PM
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i've been meditating on this a little more...
i think it stems from my fear of confrontation... losing control of the situation.. and not being able to predict outcomes.. its not that i become manipulative to gain anything, but using it as a tool to keep myself safe ... maybe manipulation isn't even the right word for it and persuasion is better word for it, maybe even causing people to have "made thoughts" as i steer a conversation or scenario but this is highly stressing... and maintaining such an activity is severely draining to me, the after effects and all.. i dont want to do these things at all and dont seem capable of just stopping it from happening... as i don't trust anyone, not even truly myself... i am not sure how human i really am or how real this all is, as has been for a long time, and i am trying to talk about it now, but its really difficult... i can read people quite deeply... and i just dont see the connection with these people that i am seeing now... i am feeling an intimidation and blocking that seems to keep pushing me down and away from them because i know they dont understand me which just causes more walls and blocks to keep them further from understanding me and i don't know how to solve it one would think that i am intentionally derailing the treatment providers, but i am not and feel really sickened and lost because of my dilemma...
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| Fuzzybear
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#6
Oct 08, 2017, 03:25 AM
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#7
Oct 08, 2017, 04:31 PM
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i have tried lists...
they dont work in my experiences... i have wrote letters... which also haven't worked... they hear my lists or read my letters and dont see the symptoms in me themselves and dont listen or believe because its not something they have experienced with me... they dont see my inside world because its not something that is allowed to present itself for the most part my chaos is my torture because it hides itself within me from the world to express as normal a human being as possible... which makes me sick because no one understands or believes... which makes me start to hate myself at some periods, moments... i want a new life...
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#8
Oct 08, 2017, 05:02 PM
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I had a support worker 2 months ago . she ran off with all my ID and quit her job . nobody bothered to replace her and now i have no support worker ! Not even a phone call. I could be dead and they wouldnt know it . |
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#9
Oct 08, 2017, 05:14 PM
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yeah...
its like they think i can do so much when im really barely capable of getting myself out of the bed to face the world... i tried to tell them that i feel passively suicidal for a long time and she said that she doesnt think im suicidal i mean... im the one living with these thoughts of death and not wanting to live anymore... what else could it be...? im tired of people telling me what my symptoms are and telling me whats wrong with me when they dont even listen or ask... im really so ready to give up but the only thing keeping me going is the desire to experience real happiness and the embrace of a beautiful girl that may truly love and desire me for who i am; thats all i want in life.. but at the same time it could be a double edged sword and lead to my demise, trying to find such a thing and being hurt once again may be the last straw but maybe not... i dont really feel anymore, my feelings are broken and i dont know what i am experiencing besides a large disconnection from my experience and just desiring to be reconnected to life... reconnected to feelings and to regain control over emotions... to gain independence and have a life of my own away from these problems so that i may thrive instead of being at the mercy of everyone else..
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#10
Oct 08, 2017, 05:26 PM
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I had a social worker before and I got dramatically worse and she didn't believe or understand me at all . she even said to me " if you love your kids you will get better " !!!! But its ok she's allowed to say that because she's very qualified and knows what she's talking about because she's been in the mental health field for years !!! No no no just know .
I guess this is the best place where people can listen and actually understand us. I'm so greatful for PC. I just wish it was a little more active . sometimes its so quiet . Hopefully you will find that beautiful understanding woman. And when you do maybe you can see if she has a brother for me . lol. But most importantly I just want to be well and happy , more independant for my children as well as for my self . |
| elevatedsoul
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#11
Oct 08, 2017, 05:42 PM
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most definitely understand
PC is a wonderful place... to be able to express oneself, i just wish that we could gather or something maybe... its nice to be with people who "get it" im surrounded by people who think there really is not anything wrong with me... they believe that i should be capable of working, which maybe i should be... i believe i should be as well, honestly... which makes me feel like total ****... but i know how i am... i get triggered so easily... i am just scared to even try to get a job and try to maintain one... i feel i would lose it almost as soon as i get it... and i just dont want a dirty record for one... and i dont do well with failure for two... failure is a huge trigger for me... the embarrassment... everything... and not being understood and having everyone think that nothing is wrong with me is also a huge trigger for me... just because i am a master of disguise and able to behave and act more mature than any of them doesnt mean that i am not sick... it stirs up hatred inside of me which i despise, i don't like feeling hate... especially against people that are family or supposed to be good friends... i want to just blow up some days and tell them all off, which i have done before, but it doesnt solve anything.. makes me look like an asshole crazy fool that is drunk or something and they just judge me and say i have a substance abuse problem or something and makes the misunderstanding problem even larger i am really so tired of trying to explain, i just want to stop trying... i dont like talking much anyway, i am a quiet guy and just want to sit back and relax ... how many children do you have? i don't know what happiness feels like really, i thought i felt happy with my previous relationship but it was a long distance relationship with a brazilian and she ended up manipulating me and lieing and catfishing me for 4 years and never meeting... i put a great deal of energy into it all learning much portuguese and stuff... but she lead me on for a long time and i thought things were going to be good but i was a fool and i guess since i have never felt true happiness i didnt know... i know im not supposed to look for happiness outside of myself, which i have been trying to work on being happy with myself.. but i just feel numb and empty... nullified and non existent... not real... not human... im damaged and broken... i never had a chance as a child to solidify a person inside of myself... to become a person... to grow ... i am a machine i suppose... built to survive and thats all  but i feel used and abused... everyone comes to me talking about their problems... as if i am a wise man with all the answers... i love to help.. but i just cant exist like this anymore...
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#12
Oct 08, 2017, 05:45 PM
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I think this is a good example of how harmful and confusing the judgemental and labelling language too often used to describe so-called diagnostic features of BPD can be (and some other PDs) - we need to reject these labels in my view
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#13
Oct 08, 2017, 05:48 PM
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 cryingontheinside
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#14
Oct 08, 2017, 06:03 PM
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Sorry to hear you was catfished for 4 years . that's not good at all. My daughters are 13 and 16 . they don't live with me but I see them a lot and they stay over . we have a good relationship . |
| elevatedsoul
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#15
Oct 08, 2017, 06:18 PM
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its ok, i learned a lot from the experience.. before i met her i didn't think that a girl could care for me, but after meeting her i guess i kind of feel like a girl can care for me i just have to learn to control myself because i can have some eccentric behaviors .. like becoming attached quickly :/ and maybe being a little obsessed
but i become obsessed with everything that i like and care for so i don't really know what to do about that lol :/ kinda giving meaning to that saying "love you to death" but i've grown and matured and think that the experience has taught me how to behave and let the other be their own person and give them room and all.. but its something that i worry about and hope that wont destroy my chances, again, as i did earlier this year with a girl because i did become attached quickly with her and wasn't really trying to develop that type of relationship with her but did find myself infatuated with her and ended up scaring her off and ruining the friendship because my mind got all twisted and emotions all messed up .. i was able to leave her alone though so i suppose that means progress, sigh - just sad that i lost another friend due to my problems, emptiness, and loneliness sorry about rambling, im in a strange mood... feeling really spaced and disconnected and wanting to be away from this house i am in and in a new life experience, really stressed out...
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#16
Oct 08, 2017, 06:20 PM
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children are amazing, i love kids.. but i dont think i'll ever be able to have my own because of my traumatic childhood; its so triggering you know?
im glad you have a good relationship with yours  thanks for the conversation
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| cryingontheinside
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#17
Oct 08, 2017, 06:34 PM
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| elevatedsoul
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#18
Oct 08, 2017, 06:44 PM
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don't be sorry, you seem like a wonderful person and one of the reasons i posted this was to see if anyone else could relate... because i feel alone with alot of my "symptoms" like they are all made up in my head and like maybe i am a fake/fraud like everyone says i am
people say that i am really good at expressing myself and really good with words but that makes me cringe because i feel like i am absolutely dreadful at it :angry: its like living in a fake world that doesnt see the real me at all and see's some version of me they want to see that is all good and smart and wise but cant see the damaged and broken me that is in pain and crying out for help at all so i am always ecstatic to talk with someone that can relate... so that maybe i can unravel the mysteries of my mind a little more... because living this way causes so much confusion for me, not sure whats the truth, who is the real me, what is the real world... what is real? it can be so lonely big hugs
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| cryingontheinside, psyghostis
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