[Juni35]

I have BPD and I fell madly in love with a man who had NPD. I didn't realize it at first. We just clicked. He wasn't seductive in anyway and didn't even try to win me over. We wound up becoming best friends and then just got closer and closer. Things were great for a while then they kinda of shifted. Nothing I ever did became good enough for him. To him it was like he was doing everything and I did nothing for our relationship. He would go to work come home to a clean house, supper, back rubs and we would snuggle and watch movies. I put all my focus into him and it was like he didn't even see it any longer. I didn't understand why so I just tried harder and harder. I didn't get help with cleaning, cooking or dishes and I basically lived to serve him. I gave him any money I had to help with the bills and stuff and even then he said I wasn't helping enough. That I needed more money coming in. I don't think I had ever tried so hard for someone ever. It was during this relationship that I found out I have BPD. I always knew that I had some sort of mental illness but wasn't sure what. I was misdiagnosed with bipolar when I was 16 and by the time I was 19 doctors were saying I didn't have that. 6 years with that man. He was my world. We had break ups when I would finally just get tired of it all. Tired of him making me feel like I just wasn't good enough. Tired of him taking advantage of everything I did. Tired of his rude and mean comments he would make and then no apology because he was always right and would never admit to having any faults. And only God knows he was Mr. Perfect and was always a winner. That is how it was. But when the break ups would happen I would feel like my world was being ripped apart. I couldn't see my life without him in it. Despite all of the stuff he had put me through. Eventually after a month or so he would try to talk to me again and I would fall for it and we would end up back together. This time things are different. Of course the break up is all my fault and he is the victim. He first accused me of being with someone else and I wasn't. Then he said he didn't like being around me cuz I changed and I hadn't. Then it turned into the you just needed to get more money coming in. That was all I wanted. You couldn't even do that for our relationship. You didn't try for us. We broke up at the end of July. I just finally got my things back from him last weekend. He was more or less holding onto the stuff. Which most of it was my deceased mothers things she left for me. I tried for 3 weeks to get it back and he kept saying he was busy so finally I said fine just keep it then. I knew there wasn't anything I could do. Well after getting his Mom involved he finally messaged and told me he threw the things away that I told him to. Even though I didn't. I didn't fall for it though and told him we both knew he didn't do that and after listening to him putting me down some more and stuff he finally decided to bring it to me. During this whole process I have been a mess. I don't even know how to cope. I just want him back. Even after all that. I can't get him out of my mind. I feel so much intense emotions with all of this that most the times I feel like I am going to snap. I do nothing but cry and am in a constant state of depression. I know he was crappy to me. I know the stuff he did wasn't right and I know that I don't deserve it. I just can't understand why I feel so hooked on him and I don't know how to deal with it. Is there any advice any can give on how to cope with this? I have to find a way because at this point my emotions are making me feel insane and I hate feeling like this. I would get some help at the mental health place here but their wait list is extensive. I tried back in 2015 when my Mom died and am still waiting. I am not on medication either. Not even sure how well medication would help with me because it always seems to have the opposite effect on me. I get worse on it and actually do try to harm myself. So the doctors get worried with putting me on anything. I just don't know what to do.

[TishaBuv]

Hi Juni and welcome to PC!

I’m having a hard time coping with a relationship myself right now, and will write you again later.

This is a agood place to sort out your feelings and you’ll get caring feedback.

It sound like you are going through h*** on Earth! Breaking up with a bf is like grieving so it is good to talk and post about your feelings. And breaking up with a bf you have lived woth must feel a lot like a divorce! You are still grieving for your mom and now him. You have a lot on your plate. Anyone, no matter what their mental diagnosis is would be having a hard time dealing with all this.
You understood he is bad for you and broke away. There may come a time you are tempted to contact him or he might contact you--you are going to have to guard against not getting sucked back in. Your mom's death and breakup with him are recent so despite everything that has happened you may be vulnerable to him if he tries to get back together with you. You are still attracted to him even though he is so bad for your mental health. I would keep my distance from him--from what you describe--he still has a lot of influence over you despite everything that has happened. If you can find some sort of engrossing activity to preoccupy yourself it might distract you from your pain to some extent. You will not feel insane forever but it will take a lot of time to get over him. It will be hard to date for a while because what happened has you all mixed up. Look for work, school studies, creative projects, adopt a pet, something like this to help you start thinking about other things. If you believe in God, express how hurt you are through prayer and ask for comfort. When you broke up, it left a big void in your life so you need to find something healthy to do or think to put your life back together. I have very mixed feelings about medications sometimes once you start them, it is hard to get off! So maybe it is not all bad that you are going without them. Do you have someone IRL to talk to? It will take a lot of time but, eventually, very slowly, you will get through this and find peace.

Was thinking about this post this morning. I assume you are young. Have you ever been on your own much since your mom's death? I am also in a confusing relationship but I am old now. I moved away from home at age 18 and was single until age 24 including not being in any relationship for the majority of that time. In the long run, I think it will be good for you to be on your own for a while. The first year will be tough but you may be surprised about what you can eventually accomplish if you live only for yourself for a while. And perhaps you are not BPD or any of that because it was just his treatment of you and plain old lust, attachment, reeling from your mom's death, etc. that is making you so insane. It is going to be hard to sort out until you are away from him for a while. I hope he does not try to make contact with you given how he has been treating you.

[TishaBuv]

I may be going out on a limb by saying this, but I think BPD people and NPD people tend to find each other and pair up. They feed off each other.

He was not that nice to you, he was very nasty and pretty abusive. So, it’s good that it ended. You need to require your partner to treat you better and not let abusive people get away with that kind of treatment.

It also sounds like you had been a great partner in that relationship. You did a very good job of it, taking into account you have BPD. How did the BPD symptoms show themselves within this relationship?

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I may be going out on a limb by saying this, but I think BPD people and NPD people tend to find each other and pair up. They feed off each other.

He was not that nice to you, he was very nasty and pretty abusive. So, it’s good that it ended. You need to require your partner to treat you better and not let abusive people get away with that kind of treatment.

It also sounds like you had been a great partner in that relationship. You did a very good job of it, taking into account you have BPD. How did the BPD symptoms show themselves within this relationship?

I don’t think you were the person at “fault” in this relationship. But this NPD person was fixated on making you feel “at fault” imho

Abuse is never acceptable

I also was wondering how the bpd symptoms showed in this relationship

[Juni35]

I think I always had bpd I just didn't realize it and was too scared for a long time to get a proper diagnosis. Back when I was 16 I lost my virginity and got pregnant and my parents forced me to have an abortion. I was literally held down and told welcome to womanhood when the clinic did it. It destroyed me mentally. I became extremely depressed and they put me on Zoloft. After a month of being on it I tried to od on it. They wound up commiting me at the hospital. Doctor saw me once said I was bi polar. Put me on 6 different medications. The two I remember were seroquel and lithium. I got worse and worse on the medication. My stepdad would always call me crazy and called me a crazy bi polar b----. It was always rubbed in my face that I had that and I wasn't like everyone else and I was crazy more or less. When i was 19 I started to see another councilor for over a year. She told me back then she didn't see me as being bi polar. Including unmedicated. I was actually happy and was able to tell my stepdad how he was wrong and I didn't have that and wasn't crazy. He always made having that stuff sound so horrible and I was just tired of being made fun of more or less. A while later the woman I was seeing told me that she believed I had PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and I knew already I have Trichotillomania. Then she told me she believed I could also have Borderline Personality Disoder. I thought back then it was like multiple personality disorder and it just scared me so I stopped going.
I am not overly young. I am going to be 35 on the 10th of this month. I met my ex after my husband and I separated in early 2011. A few months after we met I wound up getting pregnant. I miscarried our first son at 18 weeks in August 2011. Then I had another 18 week miscarriage in August 2015 and my Mom died 2 months later. It litterally has been a living hell for me. But the miscarriage is what led me to finally see another doctor back in 2011. And after a little bit she told me bluntly that I had Borderline. But with my relationship with him at the time I could never tell whether it was symptoms I was having and if I was right feeling how I did about things or if it was him. He was really good at making me feel like it was always me. We never really even fought but when we did it was usually because it got to that boiling point. Example his family always put me down. They didn't like me much because I wasn't successful like them. We were at a pool party at their place and his stepdad had me to the side and told me I should just leave him and get back with my husband. That I more or less was not good enough to be with him. I was upset. I tried telling him what was said to me and he wouldn't listen to it. Basically accused me of lieing. So I got my clothes and left. I just knew I couldn't be there anymore. I didn't even know how to get home at the time, it was dark and he just drove by me with 2 of our friends and left me walking. I managed to find a bar and I called my husband cuz he was the only person I knew and he came and got me. He was so pissed cuz of how I was left. I broke up with that guy then. Within a few weeks he started to talk to me again, made it all my fault said I should of just waited and got in the car to leave with them, demanded I got a job and I could be with him again. Of course I did just that. I don't think I had ever tried so hard in a relationship. I know I am usually selfish. I like things my way and I do what I want to do but with him I just wanted him to be happy with me. It was never good enough.
Right now I am back living with my husband. We both have a 8 year old son together and he wants to keep me away from that guy. He was around and saw a lot of the treatment and kept trying to get me to do the right things. I noticed my bpd symptoms more with my husband then I did with my ex. And yes I am saying husband because we are still legally married. We were seperated not divorced. It might make it easier to seperate who I am talking about as well. With my husband I wasn't a good wife and I know it. I blamed him for everything. We had a lot going on and things that happened that I couldn't let go of and I took it out on him. He really is a good guy and treats me golden and I know it. Everyone who knows us has even bluntly told me this. Said I should of never left him to begin with. He never wanted me to change, he didn't belittle me, he took me out places and tried to do things with me and he never made me feel like less. Even with the stuff that is wrong with me. He has been extremely patient with me. I know no one else in their right mind would of done what he is doing for me now. I am the one who put myself in this position he didn't have to take me back in. I went through a lot of swinging back and forth with him. Things were never balanced with me. I realize with the fail of that relationship it was my fault. I was too hard on him and I think I expected too much and when I would get let down I was really let down. My Mom would try to talk sense into me about things but of course I didn't listen. I left my husband for less and yet I put up with so much from someone who treated me so crappy. I have a few people I can talk to. Everyone has been trying to be there for me the best they can even though it is hard for them to understand. Most the times I just feel so alone. Like I can't even begin to explain the emotional pain I am in. Is like everything is at it's breaking point and now I don't have my Mom or my best friend (my ex bf) to talk to anymore. I know that was a long story. I was trying to kinda find a way to explain things to a degree the best way I could. With me it always seems like bad things are always happening. Anytime I do start to feel happy and content something bad happens to knock me back. So I usually am on edge. But I don't worry for no reason. I mean how many people can say I had an 18 week miscarriage on the same month not once but twice. The first miscarriage was bad enough. Back in 2015 when I got pregnant I thought maybe it would of been another chance. No way that would happen like that again. Sure did. Then the unthinkable a couple months later with my Mom. I have had people say Wow....How do you come back from that stuff and just be ok. I was already an emotional mess. This here with my ex is just the cherry topper.

Juni35,

You have had a LOT of trauma. Sixteen seems like a very young age to go through so much. I was 31 years old when I lost my mom, but, in my case, we weren't that close because I left home when I turned 18 and lived far away. However, she was very close to my sister and it seemed like it nearly destroyed her for a while. She couldn't stop crying for months and months. I know it is best not to bring our mother up when I am with her. It is still painful for her and it has been 22+ years. It is only occassionally painful for me. So if you were close to her the way my sister was--it can really rock your world when you lose your mother. I am sorry you lost her!

It sounds like you are very lucky that your husband is standing by you! And it sounds like your miscarriage is something your share. It was probably hard on him too!

Your fixation on this bf that treats you so badly will fade. I would go no contact. Given what you say about him and his family--Good riddance! Perhaps you have bad self esteem and wanted to find someone who confirmed your fears that you are a bad person? You aren't a bad person--you have had bad luck, trauma and made some bad decisions (self destuctive behaviour?) It is going to take time to process these demons.......You will. Hugs.

[Shazerac]

I'm kind of overwhelmed by all the horrible things you've gone through. I don't really know what to say other than I'm glad you reached out and came here to psych central. This is a very supportive community

[Juni35]

The miscarriage wasn't with my husband. I had the miscarriages with my ex. I wasn't with my husband since 2011 we were separated. He has just been around due to us having our son and well he is still very much in love with me.

And yes my Mom and I were very close. She was my best friend. This November will be 2 years since she died and to me it still feels like yesterday. I miss talking to her including at times like this. I was already an emotional mess before she died due to the second miscarriage. I remember cursing out everything. I use to have faith and I believe in a creator/maker/God but I became so angry with um over the miscarriage. I kept saying while I was pregnant that it would be cruel to have me repeat the instance of the first miscarriage during the same month I had the first one. So when it played out that way but worse I was furious.

My Mom wasn't a religious person but she kept trying to settle me and told me not to be angry with God. That she was still here. She could of died over that summer. I went back home to visit and while I was on the drive she went into cardiac arrest the first time. So when I got there I got the news she was in a medical induced coma at the hospital. They had to cool her then slowly bring her out and hope she would make it and she did. So her thoughts on it were that she was still there with me and despite the pain from the miscarriage I should be thankful for having her. The minute I started to have some sort of faith again and it took a few months.

I decided to pray which is something I don't usually do. It wasn't for me it was for that country singer who was dieing from Cancer. She wanted to be there for her daughter for her birthday. And I prayed that she would. I got the call 5 hours later from my Mom's boyfriend that she went into cardiac arrest again. That it was bad and she was at hospital. I live 20 hours away from my Mom. I sat here begging God not to take her completely helpless. When the hospital called me I had to fight with them to keep her on the respirators until my sister got there with my stepdad. I could hear the machines going off they said her body was shutting down. She was 52.

After it all I sat up that night with my boyfriend crying and crying and crying and I remember saying what kind of evil joke is this.....If it isn't one thing it is always another. I feel like I can never have a shred of happiness or peace because usually things like this that are out of my control happen. But to pray and then have something so tragic happen for a second time. No one has known what to say to me. Most of it is beyond belief.

I didn't stay with that guy because of self esteem issues. I really do love him. I am human I know I make mistakes but I don't view myself as bad. Unlucky yes bad no. It is almost like I let the good things outweigh the bad. I am not able to stay angry at people. I have never been like that. Most who know me say I am overly forgiving and I think that is where my biggest problem is. I never forgot the bad things with him but I clung onto the good things and that is what gave me some sort of hope.

My Mom thought maybe the miscarriages also helped with keeping me clung onto him. Because of the trauma we went through together not once but twice. Him and I did click. We got a long very well. We would have wonderful conversations and I felt like I met someone who kinda understood me. But we were opposites as well. I use to say we balanced eachother. He was logical and was able to keep me grounded. I was empathetic and would remind him that he needed to have emotion and just feel. Despite all the bad with him I was able to see the good. He never hit me. He didn't call me names.

The biggest issues were the never taking blame for anything he did wrong and always making me feel at fault. His constant need to always be on top and be the winner in everything. And his lack of acknowledgement of everything I did in the relationship. Sometimes I even feel like he was lieing to himself about things. Example was him saying I told him to throw away my Mom's things. I never would of said that pure and simple but he really believes I did. And I can argue it till I am red in the face and he still some how believes that I said that. Even in showing him the conversation he will say well you said it somewhere else. He will deny. I had noticed he had done that before with things that I knew weren't true but to him he believed it was. I don't know why I am so glued to him. I have asked myself over and over and I have tried to rationalize things and I usually come up with no answers other then the I connected with him.

As for my husband I am lucky to have him around. After everything that had happened he didn't have to take me back in and he has been trying to be there for me. His main goal right now is to help me stay away from the ex bf so that I can get my head straight and get myself back to being myself again. Including with our 8 year old son he doesn't want him around that mess rightfully and he is concerned because I have a 16 year old daughter as well and she doesn't need that either. Both kids are actually very happy to be living back at my husbands.

My daughter always looked at my husband like a father. and he was always good to her. She never cared for my ex bf much. She tried to get a long with him but when he would get me upset she didn't like that. Luckily neither of the kids never got to see him talking to me bad or anything like that. He never fought with me in front of them which I am thankful for. But if something was wrong with me my daughter always knew. She is a bright girl and knows me too well. She is also around to remind me that I don't need that treatment and that it would always be like that if I stayed. Right now we are in the best possible place we can be while I try to make sense of everything. I figured coming on the forums and stuff here would help since I always feel a disconnected with other people. Like they don't understand. And hoping talking about it will help some.

I am so glad you have found a refuge for you and your children while you come through the pain of your miscarriages and losing your mom. Two years is not a very long time when it comes to losing a mom. Both of our mothers died way to young. It is so unfair!

You must still be in a lot of turmoil from it. Your husband asked you to marry him, never divorced you and is taking care of you during your biggest time of need. They say that when you have something major happen in your life like the deaths of people you love that it is best not to make any major decisions. It is a good time for you to be self reflective, write, exercise, meditate, go to therapy if you can and slowly think about what things in life are most important to you. Losing your mom makes us realize that life is very short. We do not know how long our children will be around to enjoy. Your daughter could grow up and find a job or go to school in another town or she might marry and your son's elementary school days will speed right by. Enjoy all their milestones and find time to take care of yourself. To much stress is bad for your heart and for your children's sake, take care of yourself as much as you can. You WILL eventually find more peace inside. It just takes a lot of time. HUGS.