[Chewy8888]

I'm sorry if I'm rambling.. I just don't know what is happening to my life right now..
I'm a 33f, married and have a 6 year old. Things have recently come to a head with my mom.. I've been recently noticing more and more how her behavior isn't right. So, I'm gonna try to keep this short..
Backstory: I have very few memories of my childhood and absolutely none of my brother, which is weird. I used to call my mom queen of the silent treatment and guilt trips. I used to have severe social anxiety starting in early elementary school that lasted up until early 20's, but not as bad the older I got. Severe depression and suicidal ideation for a period of about 6 mos in HS because I never knew what my mom would be screaming at me for. It was bad. She used to say she had eyes and ears everywhere and my friends parents would call her and tell her things. Most of the stuff I never did. Every boyfriend I had she was nice to their face but really hates them and gave them all mean nicknames that she is actually still proud of to this day.... fast forward.. got engaged. Tried to talk me out of it. Made it known she doesn't like him because he's quiet and conservative, opposite of her, and not attractive enough, not rich enough. Makes comments when he leaves, like, thank God he's gone.. he was really getting on my nerves! Calling me to complain about how he hates her because he doesn't talk to her or smile at her enough.. complains about how he looks, doesn't make enough money.. claims he's being possessive over me if he gives me a hug or holds my hand..hes being possessive of our baby because he's holding him too much. Calling demanding I tell her how much he makes a year because she's just so worried for me. Demanding I take down stuff from Facebook because it embarrasses her. Actually accusing my husband of stealing me away from her. I could go on and on..
Anyway... a month ago I posted a pic to Facebook of my friend and I at a winery. She immediately called demanding I take the picture down because if her friends saw it would embarrass her. We took a picture holding an empty wine bottle. I had enough. I tried cutting her off and hanging up. But the more I thought about it the madder I got about everything. I decided to text her letting her know that this isn't ok and the way she talks to me about my husband, including nonverbal stuff, isn't gonna fly. I was as assertive yet non confrontational as I could be, even ended it with.. I love you mom. Let's just move forward from here.
The reply I got back left me speechless. She didn't address any of my concerns but immediately went on to say, well, your H did this and this.. and I told you he didn't want us to be a part of your life and I wasn't gonna let that happen but I guess it has anyway. Our relationship can never be repaired!
What the actual F just happened?! I've tried texting her, explaining that I was sorry if I hurt her feelings and that I was just trying to tell her how I felt so that we could resolve this issue. Sent her a pic of my son in his Halloween costume. Nothing. Silence. It's actually been like a month and a half now and with the hollidays right around the corner.. weird.. especially since she has major trouble sharing me for the holidays. She made me cry at my MILs house before because we were seeing her right after and we were taking too long.
I immediately put myself into therapy because I just don't know what is happening here and I don't know how to handle it. My dad is backing my mom, saying all she's guilty of is caring and if I want a mom I better get used to it.
The therapist believes she is exhibiting NPD/BPD traits.. though I think more BPD. She grew up badly and was on her own at 16. She emotionally dumps things on me she shouldn't, such as my dad's alcoholism and what he did and said to her (he's recovered).. my dad's emotional affair.. and her and dad's sex life. She started all this when I was about 14-16.
I'm a freaking mess. I feel abandoned. My brother is an undiagnosed bipolar alcoholic himself.. and I always listen to her cry about him because he IS abusive to them and they keep banding over backwards to help him. I suggested she go NC with him for awhile, she told me she could never do That! Since he was bad.. I always tried to be such a good daughter.. and the first time I say anything, I am discarded. Even if this silence is temporary I still feel discarded. If they couldn't NC my abusive brother, why am I so easily NC'ed? I just don't understand. I have no other extended family, they are all I have.
My wonderful H has been my rock through this. I've kept him in the dark about all this until this blow up happened.
Has anyone had a family member do this to them? Did they contact you again as if nothing happened? How did you handle it?

[Skeezyks]

Well... I can't really relate directly to this, although certain aspects of what you wrote sound familiar to me. (I'm an older person now. But, when I was growing up, I used to hear a lot about my parents' sex lives... mostly my father's complaints about how he didn't have any...) Unfortunately, I don't know as there is much I can offer you in the way of suggestions.

I think it's good you put yourself into therapy. That's probably the best place to try to figure all of this out. My personal perspective (as someone who's probably older than your parents) would be that your parents are unlikely to change much at this point in their lives. So, in the end, you may find that you'll either have to figure out some way of putting up with the abuse they dole out or you'll have to shut them out for the sake of your own well-being, your own family's & your marriage. That's what I ended up doing years ago.

By the way, just in case it might help, here's a link to a YouTube video by Family Therapist Kati Morton on the subject of how to deal with difficult people. Perhaps it will be of some benefit:

I wish you well...

[lucyjon]

I don't know if this will help you at all, but I am going to share with you what's been going on with me lately.

I have helped out three people in my life. Two of them continually contact asking for money or help, never anything else. It's gotten to the point that their relationship is toxic and I had to cut them out of my life, because they cause anxiety.
A member of my church choked me and I had to put a protective order on him, he is taking me to court over this. The memory of that night when he choked me and threatened to kill me weighs on my mind. I will have to see him in court and that memory will flash in my mind. I will again have to discuss what happened to the judge. I have a range of emotions regarding this man anger, terror, and hatred. I don't know what's going to happen. There's a possibility I may have to leave my church due to him. My priest is like my dad and the thought of leaving breaks my heart. If I leave the church I will have to start all over again and I am so mad at that person. He's a bully and he's calling me a liar. So I may have to leave my family there at the church if that guy is going to be going there.
Sometimes you have to leave people in your life, even family, if their relationship is too toxic for you. It's difficult, but you may be better off keeping distance from these toxic people. You will eventually meet some new people in your life to fill those lost relationships. Just hang in there and get better

[Chewy8888]

Thank you

I know they probably won't change.. and I need to decide if this is something I can accept. If they just acknowledge my feelings then I probably could. I feel so much guilt because I said something in the first place, and I know they see me as the bad guy, the one who started all this.. and so they think this is all my fault and so she is justified in her actions. All I wanted to do was let her know how I felt and discuss it like adults. But yet, I have so much guilt. I feel like I am codependent on her approval as well, I am trying to get over that.. but it's hard when it's your family.. My best friend is currently in a narcissistic abusive relationship with her husband and I feel like I understand her so much better now, lol. I'm just going to let things be.. and if she ever decides to contact me again, I guess I'll just have to deal with it then..

[Daisy Dead Petals]

Whatever her diagnosis might be, your mother sounds like a toxic person and her behavior toward you is horrible. I hope therapy can help you learn to make sense of and cope with your painful family of origin situation.

If you're a reader, I highly recommend the book Understanding the Borderline Mother. It greatly helped me understand my own mother's crazy-making, abusive behavior.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0765703319..._6JsfAbDGWS50Z