[andtheair]

I don’t know if this is the right place, I just didn’t know where else to turn or what to do…

I was diagnosed with BPD three years ago after being hospitalised for the second time. It’s clearly dominated the 10-13 years of my life in hindsight though. I had two years of psychotherapy with the most amazing doctor and I’ve really managed to get my feet back on the ground. It goes without saying I have my wobbly moments here and there, some much bigger than the other but with some good coping mechanisms, I can manage it a lot better than I ever have.

During the past decade, I have been in and out of the same relationships a few times. A not uncommon story, ultimately he became so exhausted with me, for both our sakes he had to go. Shortly after my diagnosis, we split and have only recently been back in touch. I am a much stronger person now and he’s been able to calm many of my storms wonderfully. In many, many, aspects I cannot ask for more in a relationship; he prioritises me, he loves and absolutely adores my children (which aren’t biologically his).

For the past six months, he has spent pretty much every waking moment with me; every evening and weekend. Yet he neglected to let me know that his friend was visiting from America this week, who he hasn’t seen in seven years. She would be staying with him and he’d effectively be off the grid for a week. He wouldn’t be seeing me much. He gave me about a weeks’ notice for this. I saw the importance of the visit and how much she means to him so tried very hard to be supportive of it – “go and have fun, I’ll see you soon”. And I genuinely meant that. Unfortunately, as with many people, the post-Christmas adrenaline crash is incredibly difficult for me.

Now within that, I had told him I’d had a couple of bad days. He was so distracted with his friend (off visiting sites etc.) he didn’t phone me to ask if I was OK and has been pretty distracted on messages. I honest to God have no idea how they’ve spent their days, what they’ve been doing etc. I knew the BPD demons were coming out, age old script; I’m not the centre of it, he doesn’t care for me, out of sight – out of mind, if he can forget about me… I’m clearly not that important and ultimately, wrote out the scenario that we were over. I knew on the other hand, it’s his best friend and he’s just swept up in it all.

Unsurprisingly, this boiled over and ended up in us having a massive argument how I felt he’d completely abandoned me and didn’t care for even a phone call to ask about my day. I had become very dependent on his time to help deconstruct my days and thought processes. I was absolutely vile to him, spouting things I haven’t said in the past few years and felt a real old being resurface.

On top of this, my Daughter who has also grown very attached to him (she has an anxiety disorder and attachment issues) also burst into tears about the fact he hadn’t been around. He rushed round to be there for her, to assure her he wasn’t going anywhere, it was just a badly thought out week whilst he’s friend was here. He’d be back soon.

I of course, wouldn’t hear any apologies even though he recognised that going from one extreme (seeing him everyday) to none at all, would be difficult for me. I insinuated that we were over, I had to leave to protect the children and me and well, ultimately, he’s going to anyway – why let it linger. My intimation much better than the out and out dumping I would have done a few years back.

Unfortunately in this, my phone has broken but there’s been no more effort to check-in with me, even after I had said how it was making me feel. I had explicitly said, we’d pick up the conversation after she’s gone but I just figured even with the argument and BPD out of the space, someone who cares about you would want to phone, if they knew you were upset?

I’ve tried very hard and spoken it through with my Mother (who is my rock) who has grounded me and my thoughts, using many of the methods I learned in therapy. She has done a great job of helping me to simmer down and I have told him this. He has thanked me and we’ve said we will talk on Thursday, once his friend has gone.

However, I may have said these words but I can feel every familiar feeling and desire to act in a certain way rising and I cannot keep it at bay. The very thought of being near him, around him, seeing him… fills me with so much disgust, anger pain, I can’t bare it. Nothing I am trying to do will work. I know the only way I can work on it is to see him but every part of me hates, cannot stand the thought of him.

I know it’s the BPD, I know it’s not rational. But I just don’t know what to do or to tell him to do to help make this one go. I know I’m going to sabotage and part of me dreads it, the other part really doesn’t care – feels like he deserves it. The problem is, things were so different this time that over Christmas we’d decided to move into his place together with the children. I’d been speaking to schools, looking at changing working hours, how to tell the children etc. and the timeline for that is meant to be six weeks from now.

I can see, I can see it all implode. I knew it wouldn’t happen, I never believed we’d truly get to live together but I know my behaviour is going to kill it, if hasn’t already.

I just don’t know what do… it’s not subsiding.

[Skeezyks]

Hello air: I'm sorry you're caught in this most difficult situation. I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I looked, in PsychCentral's archives, for some articles that might address relationship concerns from the perspective of a person who has been diagnosed as having BPD. However most everything seems to be written from the perspective of offering help to people who are in relationships with persons who have BPD. Anyway... here are links to 3 articles that may still be of some interest:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/thera...ent-rejection/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/careg...lity-disorder/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/living...lity-disorder/

I don't know, of course, if you're here simply seeking support with regard to this particular concern or if you plan to hang in here with us. However, should you be planning to continue on (we hope you do)... may I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

[LittleEarthquakes]

Hmmm... Really strange that he didn't answer your texts because he had a friend with him. I mean I understand if he didn't have his phone in front of his face and it was on silent but after a while you'd think he would check it and answer. I would expect my fiance to do that, but we do live together and I am sure our situations are different. But you guys are still in a committed relationship. I understand your anger.

And he didn't let you know this friend was coming to visit in the first place. That concerns me Why did he need to be off the grid for a week while having a friend visit? I don't understand. I am not sure, are you guys breaking up? You said he agreed to talk, I hope I'm not making assumptions. It is okay to feel hatred towards him. Your behavior is inappropriate, yes, but so is his. I really really want to know why he had to be off the grid for a week! I don't get it.