[amicus_curiae]

I am finding that I continue to do things that are detrimental to my well-being over and over again despite the fact that I am very aware of the harm when rational but completely forget the harm when I engage in this harmful behavior.

I am am bipolar and have BPD - the riskiness and impulsiveness of my behaviors seem to be intertwined, they seem married to one another. One is not dominant over the other.

The behaviors involve indulging in impulsive spending and impulsive sexual behavior.

I am currently -$1,100 overdrawn on my checking account and I have not paid my $500+ utility bills this month. It is impossible for me to explain the hyped-up feeling that I have when I shop (all internet shopping). I don’t even think about the consequences.

I don’t see my sexual partners frequently and I get into a frenzy and I use Craigslist to find people to satisfy my peculiar sexual needs.

I can’t predict these things but I cannot help myself, I cannot stop myself, from these behaviors. I feel weak and evil. Now. That’s what I feel now.

Does anyone else have the “I cannot help but to do that which I do” feeling? I’m not insane - I know right from wrong - I just can’t stop indulging myself.

I am headed for Craigslist now. Just to browse.