[Nick676]

Stuck in the bottom of an Abyss surviving, foraging, contemplating suicide, ever old ****** phrase “Why me? I don’t want this, I never wanted be here” working on repeat in my head. Too afraid to die too angry to live, stuck between a rock and a hard place, no way out but inside my head, that sweet feeling of dissociation. Looking at the world through the mouth of the Abyss at everybody living their lives but I can’t live mine because this is not me, I am somebody else, will always be. But I am a survivor or a coward, I don’t know which, maybe they’re both the same thing, two sides of the same coin.

I am 29 years old, I feel like the best years of my life has passed and I haven’t done anything much but battle these inner demons most of my life. My childhood was complicated. My parents’ marriage was hell. My Father and I never got along from a very early age. He was a man with a very irritable personality and a short temper. He beat me, abused me verbally and emotionally always comparing me with my other cousins or peers and letting me know of how hard they had it and how “fortunate” I was. Treat me like dirt buy me a toy, ups and downs, ups and downs, everything was forgiven inside his mind, for me I was lonely lost in my own thoughts, playing by myself, creating my own worlds to escape this ****** reality. For a long time I believed that I was the “problem”. It was all my fault, It was my fault, my fault….my fault. My mother was another complicated person, today I don’t feel as much anger towards her, I realized she was not ready to raise a child, she was fresh out of university when they got married. She was very neglecting and beat me whenever she had a bad mood and whenever I was “behaving badly”. She admired my “good looking older cousin”, all of my maternal aunts and uncles did, I was well the “odd” kid who hung out with him.

The situation through most of my childhood was hell, to escape it I looked up to my cousin, who I thought as my older brother. Of course till he sexually abused me, used me and made fun of me, But he was a good looking “cool fellow” I was not, I was overweight and girls usually ignored me, they still do. Even through this torment I carried on, there were fights inside my “home” all the time, for somethings as little as a piece of cake. But my parents were “professionals” to the world and I had to live up to it. I had to get good grades which I did and then puberty hit me.

I realised I liked girls, and then when I was 15 there was this special one in one of my classes. She was very pretty in my eyes, but also very shy and reserved. I never spoke to her because I realised it would never work. I later realised she was into older guys, not a fat abused piece of **** like me. I had trouble with my peers I realised I was a nerd, I liked reading books because it gave me a way to experience things other than my own life. The nerds I hung out with were not my “friends” they were all arseholes. There was this one cool nerd I hung out with who had good rapport with pretty girls and he felt like I was a threat to his coolness and always tried to show me as a lesser piece of ****. Why did I hang out with them? Because I didn’t know where else I would fit in otherwise, I was a masochist, but I was used to it. I passively accepted most of my suffering with bouts of very angry explosive fights with my parents and peers sometimes which made me look as a “spoilt brat”. The girl that I had a crush on moved to US with her family in December 2004. That day my life became the Adams Song by Blink-182……for the rest of my life.

Everything crashed inside me; I wanted to run, to fight, to die, to never be born. Then little by little I created my own personality in my head, my own world I can escape to, a different person, not me, not my pathetic life. I started to dissociate for the first time, and I liked it.

That was the starting point of my dissociation and Borderline Personality Disorder; I don’t want to bore anybody with all the details of my ****** life. To make it very short; I was diagnosed with A-typical depression when I was 19, I became a chain-smoker, abused alcohol and other substances. I couldn’t keep going if I wasn’t having a “good time”. After all it’s my ****** life, I realized I would be dead in a ditch somewhere on the side of a street, didn’t care. I neglected my health, I hated my past, I couldn’t begin to unravel all that hurt. I couldn’t face all those feelings of trauma. I hated sex because of all that sexual abuse. Never the less I had a few sexual relations I never enjoyed, which made me even more depressed and angry.

I went from job to job, just wandering this earth, my academic career became kaput even though there were many teachers who felt upset and told me how I was a very capable student but never committed my bosses told me the same. But I was satisfied in their disappointment, because I didn’t care. The disappointment in people’s faces when I rejected their feelings of affection made me “happy”. After all nobody ever cared about the villain’s feelings in a story, everybody wanted him gone. The ugly villain who gets bashed by the heroes of justice, I was never a hero, just an abused beta-male thinking he was special.

There is still a survivor in my many personalities. The part of me which dragged me through the harsh winter of humiliation and abuse, which was my life, this survivor (or coward) drove me to find a way out of this. I started to read psychiatric books to find out what was wrong with me, exactly. I saw a reputed psychiatrist who diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder, which I had already realized myself. My mother realized by this time after many years, that what happened to me was wrong, I began to speak with her more and it helped me momentarily.

I began to piece my life bit by bit, and it took many years from 2011 to 2018 (still ongoing), I felt like I was trying to repair something that was neglected and irreparable. Even though most of my symptoms today are much less than they used to be I still feel very uncertain, like I would let all of it go to hell any moment. I feel like this broken train trying to keep going on the railway tracks while most of my peers and past abusers and people in the world in general just whizz past me. My relationships with people are worse fragments of truth and total lies. As for romance I am the third wheel in the story, the one who has to die, so that the real couple can come together.

If you ever had the patience to read through all of my drivel, I just wanted you to know that, as depressing as it may seem, the truth is that you will probably never recover from BPD to have a “normal life”. Just like Frodo realized after destroying the one ring you can’t go back to the shire and live like nothing happened, all that is good and green does not feel the same afterwards. Because some wounds never really heal and you might have to take a journey to a place of your own choosing. But all in all I hope for the best for all those who have suffered like me or worse, why did I write this? Because I wanted someone somewhere to know, that this is my life, this is me.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Nick: Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry you've had so much difficulty in your young life. But, from what you wrote, it sounds like you're in a better place now. And that is to be celebrated! Anyway... I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

May I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!