[Ninjin]

I don't know how else to title this. It's a long *** story, and I've got nobody listening anymore.

So. Hello. For a guy who's evaded being tacked with a personality disorder diagnosis through several evaluations (and twenty years of professional psychiatric, uh, "help"), I'd say I'm pretty sure that I do have BPD, and it sure is ruining my life. I've been trying to get it diagnosed for a couple years now, but the thing is - ironically enough - my professionals keep leaving me. They tend to drop me like a hot potato, chasing a better job or a change in the scenery, or they get pregnant, which, like, yeah, cool, except that when they do they never actually get back to work afterwards. I've had more changes in my health care team within just the past two years than I count. I'd say every single person, save for my GP, has changed. My psychiatrist alone twice. So I don't get further than "hey I think I have BPD could we look into that" before they go and I need to start over with someone else.

I have a long list of other diagnoses that come and go, including depression, generalized anxiety, "otherwise unspecified" psychotic disorder, and a couple times in the past bipolar, which I don't have; my mania and my suicidal episodes last anywhere from two seconds to the thirty hours that I stay awake, and can and will stop in a blink of an eye... especially if he talks to me.

Yep. So. I met a guy. I immediately latched onto this guy. I developed a crush on the guy. It was all fun and games, alright? I haven't had a crush in a decade - some fleeting feelings of giddiness at best, nothing I'd remember later, so I was excited and let it go on. Then I stopped sleeping to talk to the guy, or rather, to be available at any hour that he wasn't sleeping or working and might talk to me. I stopped going to my rehab program for the guy, because my hours there coincided with the hours he would otherwise spend with me, and I couldn't have that. Alright - it wasn't all because of him; I was already struggling, let's just say that I have a hard time going to my own shower on a good day now so that was just the last straw. Anyway, I stopped thinking about anything but the guy. I stopped doing anything that didn't involve the guy because nothing felt like anything without him. I dropped all of my other relationships for the guy. My existence depends on the guy. Without him, I'm nothing. Every second that he isn't talking to me, I'm dying, either figuratively or, if he's gone for a longer while, very literally, as I tend to go on a suicidal fit the second he doesn't acknowledge me for a given amount of time, or if he seems upset with something, that something never being me directly, because he's too good to admit I'm wearing him out. The second something changes in his voice, it flips my mood over completely. If he's happy, I'm riding a damn high, nothing is bad, everything's good - if he's upset, irritated or sad, even to the smallest degree, the world is ending for me. The second he leaves, I stop talking and I stop caring about anything. Nothing else matters. We play games together sometimes, and while he's not there, I spend most of my time attending to his things so that when - if - he comes back, he'll see that I cared about him. I don't ask for anything in return. I devote my entire existence to him and all I want for him is to care about me in return, and I don't mean this in the context of romantic love, I just want to know that he cares.

Explicitly, because if he doesn't tell me I did good, if he doesn't tell me I was good, if he doesn't tell me that he cares or send me a heart in a text, remember that suicidal fit I brought up? Yeah, that happens. Because I let him down and I'm worth nothing and I'm good at nothing and I can't seem to fix myself to be good enough for him.

He doesn't know. God, I do my best not to burden him. He doesn't deserve this crap, the weight of it, the awful awkwardness of it, the creepiness of it, any of it. I don't go to him when I'm having a suicidal fit. I go to him when I know I can pull off a happy face, because all I want is for him to be happy, too, and for him to think that I'm okay for company. I just want to be around him.

My entire personality changed after I met him. I don't know who I was before then, but it wasn't anyone I'd been for long. I reinvented myself last summer, dropped everything and started over because my relationships and status no longer appealed to me; nothing felt like anything, nobody cared enough, so I left. Just that after meeting him, I'm not that person anymore either. I talk like him, I laugh like him, I use his words, I use his tone of voice, I dress like him, I mirror him, and none of this is conscious. I'll wear a specific pattern because it reminds me of him, and I have his voice stuck in my head all the time.

Creepy enough yet? Yeah, thought so. But like I said, I manage myself. I don't tell him this. I come across desperate enough without letting him know. I know I'm annoying and everything I do is effed up, everything I feel and say is just - I'm not okay, okay? I know that. I keep it to myself, because other people have their own crap to deal with and whatever this is, they really, really don't need to bother with it.

But he's still getting tired of me and it's killing me. I don't blame him. I blame myself. For everything. For things that I have no control over going wrong in his life, for the things that go wrong that I could have helped, for talking to him, for not talking to him, for everything. I'm trying not to apologise too much but I'm so afraid of losing him, of him being irritated with and tired of me, that absolutely everything I do and say feels like it needs an apology tacked onto it. I swallow it - most of the time. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes it's a tirade. Sorry for this, sorry for that, ha ha I suck, validate me.

He doesn't tell me it's not a big deal anymore, or ask me if I'm okay like he used to. Brings me to the next subject; I'm not sure if he's tired of me, or just busy. He went through some major changes in his life recently, he's still adjusting to the new thing. I know it takes all of his time. He's not present anywhere else either. But it's killing me. What if he's not talking to me because, what if he's avoiding me, what if he likes my friend better than he likes me, what if, what if, what if? I don't think about anything else. I noticed I've stopped eating, I'm too focused on this drama to remember.

So, that's that part. Other parts? Oh, yeah. I used to have a really good friend, friend that I was very invested in and spent most of my time with. That friendship was going great. Then I decided I no longer feel anything about that friend and now we don't have a friendship anymore, and everything he does annoys me, or makes me jealous. I had a really good community that I absolutely adored, that I dedicated my time to - well, I don't anymore. Flip of a switch, and suddenly nothing matters. I get so - tired of people who aren't the people for me. Everyone who isn't this one person is... not interesting. If they talk to me - my really, really good friends, that is - it'll annoy me endlessly because they're not the person I want to talk to. Nothing they say or do is interesting and the fact that they're trying to take my attention away from the only thing that matters frustrates me, like a fly buzzing by my ear. It's like I have a tunnel vision where emotions should exist, a blaster cannon that shoots all of my affection at a given person at a time and anything else outside that scope just ceases mattering altogether. It was someone else two years ago. It was someone else four years ago. Sometimes it flips monthly. I don't control this. I don't control anything in my life.

I realised today that what I'm experiencing isn't a crush, it's a symptom. I don't know if I'm relieved or not. Mostly, I'm annoyed. I don't want this. Any of this.

I play mindgames with - I'd like to say them, meaning people in my life, but it's mostly just myself. I'll feel bad and decide that nobody cares about me and then I go about testing it by disappearing, and I measure how suicidal I need to get over it this time by the amount of attention that my disappearance gains. Usually none. People don't really tend to notice if you go offline, or if you don't text them, call them, play with them for a few hours. Meanwhile, the self harm? I have hundreds of cuts on me just from the past two months. I don't know why I cut. It doesn't feel like anything. I just hate so strongly that I want to - god. You know how it goes. I get so angry. I'm never angry, except when I want to die, and the only guy I want to beat up is me. I don't drink, either, except when I have a breakdown like this and have an entire bottle of wine in 20 minutes. Doesn't do anything to my head but sure amuses me when I can't walk anymore, and amusement and scientific curiosity over the poisoned state of my meatsuit usually distracts me from whatever drove me on my knees on my floor to begin with. Everything else stays the same. The pain, my level of mental clarity, everything. Nobody notices the difference between a smashed me and a completely sober me, which, I guess, says something about sober me more than it does about the drunk me.

I have so much to talk about that I can't talk about with my outpatient nurse, whose appointments I haven't been able to attend in, I'd say half a year, due to illnesses and injury on her part, and my own mental health preventing me from leaving my apartment for, what's this? Three months now? There's so much more. So much more. The fact that I can't afford therapy even with insurance much less have the energy to go through the meetings to find a good one for me, the fact that my antidepressants aren't covered by said insurance and I had to drop them last summer because I couldn't get them out of the pharmacy anymore, being just some of them.

The point is, I'm not coping, and I'm not diagnosed, and I'm getting no help whatsoever, and I just wanted to scream this into the void that is the internet so that maybe someone can hear and say "oh, crap, wow" at the mess that is my head.

I feel like I need a serious disclaimer after the first part that no, I'm neither a stalker or a serial killer. I don't have a shrine dedicated to the guy hidden away in my closet, or a wall of secretly taken pictures of him with love letters written in blood pinned next to them, or any other movie-worthy things that you'd expect based on the description above. I'm just crying most of the time, and checking my phone every twenty seconds in case he'd sent me something. (He hasn't. He's asleep. He spent the whole day with me, I'd know.) I try to give him space and time to settle his life, only casually ask him to hang out and let him know I'm here whenever he wants to do so, but I keep slipping every time he talks to me. If he acknowledges me, I'm sucked into this black hole of desperation where I try to milk that conversation for everything it's worth - I'll always have the last word, because if I don't, I'm cutting short the possibility of having one more message from him.

I try to stop, I really do. But he used to get so excited when we talked, and now that he's tired and busy, I'm not... dealing with it. Which is why I wrote this thing. Like I said, there's more. I just don't know what parts are important anymore. Or if anything is more important than this.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Ninjin: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. Hopefully coming here to PC can be of some comfort & support. Although our situations are different, I know something about putting on a happy face so as not to allow people I care about to see how hopeless I feel. And I know it can be exhausting.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I don't know, of course, if you plan to hang in here with us. However, should you be planning to continue on (we hope you do)... may I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

[Ninjin]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello Ninjin: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. Hopefully coming here to PC can be of some comfort & support. Although our situations are different, I know something about putting on a happy face so as not to allow people I care about to see how hopeless I feel. And I know it can be exhausting.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I don't know, of course, if you plan to hang in here with us. However, should you be planning to continue on (we hope you do)... may I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

[link]

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

Thank you. I'm... not feeling up to talking about myself lately, so I didn't post an introduction yet. Perhaps later.