[MDDBPDPTSD]

Possible triggers


So I have been depressed literally for decades. After going through DBT classes, and learning some skills like distress tolerance and wise mind and mindfulness and radical acceptance and so forth, I sit here every night watching the depressive suicidal thoughts go by in my head. They still come all the time. The difference now, is that I don’t react to them. I’m not afraid of them. I don’t feel like I have to do anything because the thoughts exist in my mind. I just let them be and I recognize that they are what they are (radical acceptance). They are a manifestation of depression. But one thing they are not is me. I do not really wish I was dead. That is new information for me.

But decades I thought that because I have these thoughts and feelings that I must legitimately want to die. But I don’t. It’s just the depression. The depression talks to me. I still can’t make it shut up. I wanted to make it shut up for decades. But talk it does and continues to talk to me every night. But I’ve learned to just let those thoughts that the depression speaks flow by and just watch them as if they were leaves on the top of the water of a river flowing gently slowly on downstream. Those leaves of depression don’t upset me nor make me fearful nor make me sad. They just are; they just float in my head downstream. Until I cannot see or hear them anymore.
But knowing they will probably be back tomorrow. Or the next day.
I still have to be watchful and aware of my thoughts but I don’t have to let them define me. They are not me. They are just thoughts.

Does anyone else know what I mean? Has anyone else experienced this!

I never tried to stop mine--only thought it was weird and kept it to myself.

"...But decades I thought that because I have these thoughts and feelings that I must legitimately want to die. But I don’t. It’s just the depression....I don’t have to let them define me. They are not me. They are just thoughts. .."

I really like this way of thinking about our suicidal thoughts. I know for many people, these thoughts really do seem to equal wanting to die but, for me, mine are mostly, what you have described here. Thanks for your insight.